


I wanna let him take control

by spoiltmilk



Series: Nielwink files [1]
Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: A hell lot of drama, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Drinking, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fuckboy! Daniel, Humor, M/M, and i mean full blown smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 18:54:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 80,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11538387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spoiltmilk/pseuds/spoiltmilk
Summary: Jihoon meets Daniel again three years after they broke up.Daniel remains unchanged-- handsome, bold and charismatic. But underneath the confident mask he puts on around people, he is still the same person he was before. Tired, restless and constantly craving approval and assurance from other people.Jihoon, however, is very much different. He's more careful and alert now, hiding behind a wall he'd built over the scars Daniel had left him with three years before. Unfortunately, he's still the unluckiest guy Samuel knows.





	1. From the moment I saw you, my eyes were fixed on you

**Author's Note:**

> uh I know the summary sucks. sorry
> 
> **this is not beta-ed so please point out any mistakes you find, thank you!**

Jihoon had always suspected that he was probably the unluckiest guy there ever was, but from the moment he laid his eyes on the infamous Kang ( _fucking_ ) Daniel again after three years, he was ultimately assured that he was born cursed. _Cursed._ He must’ve done something really bad in his last life to deserve something like this now.

 

They-- Jihoon and Samuel-- had just gotten their keys from the administrative desk and they decided to take the longer route to their building just for the sake of familiarizing themselves with the campus when Jihoon spotted a figure that made his blood run cold.

 

He stared at his ex-- who evidently hadn’t spotted Jihoon yet-- with his mouth hanging wide open, jaw practically unhinged. _No fucking way_ , he thought to himself. _Oh my fucking god._ He turned his head sharply to the right to check if Samuel was looking at Daniel as well. He was. And with a pure evil smirk playing on his lips. Jihoon could already see the wheels in the younger boy’s head turning quickly, a ridiculous and idiotic plan undoubtedly being put together piece by piece in there.

 

 _That little bitch_.

 

“Whatever it is you’re thinking, I’m not going to do it,” Jihoon said first, just to be safe. He hooked his arm around Samuel’s and tried to pull the latter away and out of view from Daniel. “Oh my god, how could this happen to me?” he asked-- more to himself than to his friend-- in a panicked, hushed tone.

 

“I have an idea,” Samuel announced loudly. Jihoon clamped his hand over his best friend’s mouth. He led the both of them to the back of a nearby tree frenectically and prayed that they were obscured from that asshole’s vision.

 

“ _No_ ,” the older boy said firmly. Samuel raised his hand to take Jihoon’s one away from his mouth and grinned widely.

 

“Look, Jihoon, just listen to me before making a decision. This could be a good plan-- you’d never know unless you gave it a chance, at least.” His smile broadened considerably when he saw Jihoon slowly relenting and letting himself be convinced. “Alright, so, the plan is that I pretend to be your boyfriend--”

 

Jihoon held up a hand to Samuel’s face, his lips pursed together tightly. “Okay. You can stop there now. There’s no way I’m going to do that. And with _you_ , no less,” Jihoon said monotonously and started to walk away hurriedly in the direction opposite from Daniel. His best friend caught up with him effortlessly and swung an arm around Jihoon’s shoulders.

 

“Oh come on, there’s nothing wrong with dating me,” Samuel whined. “And you haven’t even heard the rest of the plan,” he continued to complain.

 

“ _Hah_. I can already guess that the part that comes next in the plan would be something like trying to get him jealous of us and it’s not going to work, Samuel. He gives no shit about things like relationships. He probably doesn’t even remember me anymore,” Jihoon admitted bitterly and looked away, trying desperately to shrug off his best friend’s arm. He took a deep breath and forced himself to say, “Besides, I think I’m over him.”

 

“Emphasis on _think-_ \- it means you’re not sure. And when you’re unsure, it means you’re lying to yourself. You’re never getting over Daniel, Hoon-ah.”

 

The older boy stopped in his tracks to stare at Samuel, scowling. “ _Wow_ ,” he said. “Thanks a lot. I thought you were on my side.”

 

“I _am_ on your side. I’m probably the only one on your side about this thing right now. I mean, I’m literally your only friend.”

 

Jihoon’s face hardened and his frown deepened. “You are so _not_ my only friend.”

 

“I so _am_ ,” Samuel insisted.

 

“I also know and meet up with Daehwi and Jinyoung regularly.”

 

“Jinyoung left you for Daehwi and you know that.” Samuel looked to Jihoon with something similar to pity. Sadly, they both knew that there was only one _solid_ , consistent reason as to why Jihoon was so convinced that he was cursed, and there was actually prove for it. He had a chain of crushes throughout his entire life of 19 years and none of them had ever ended or progressed _decently_ , to put it simply. Somehow, to go into detail about his string of ill-fated relationship fails, every single one of his crushes would always develop feelings for one of his close friends and Jihoon would end up being the third-wheel of their relationship.

 

That was partly why his originally large network of friends had dwindled down to a pathetic number indeed. Samuel was the only one he contacted on a daily basis now.

 

The only exception to this ‘ _curse_ ’ was none other than Kang Daniel.

 

They dated. He turned out to be worse instead.

 

“You didn’t have to rub it in,” Jihoon finally decided on saying. He shoved his hands into his pockets and resumed his walk to nowhere again.

 

“I’m sorry,” Samuel winced.

 

“It’s okay, I’m over it,” Jihoon said blankly. Samuel couldn’t tell if the older boy was lying or not, but he fell into step beside Jihoon easily on instinct. “I’m over Daniel,” Jihoon said again, this time with his voice layered by something that sounded like assurance. Samuel knew that Jihoon had said that more for his own sake than anyone else’s, so the younger boy decided not to question the statement.

 

_Yet._

 

He had a plan brewing in his mind-- a bad one with a bunch of loopholes, if he was being honest with himself-- and he wasn’t ready to give up on that before managing to ruin Daniel the same way that guy had done to his best friend.

 

  
\-----

 

 

Daniel raked a hand through his newly dyed hair just to draw some attention to it. Seongwoo’s eyes caught the action and smirked.

 

“Feeling dandy, Daniel?” he asked.

 

“A little,” Daniel admitted with a small smile. He had a mop of dirty blonde hair before, and everyone assured him that he looked _hot_ with it, but then he’d decided that he needed a change and dyed it dark brown the previous weekend. And he thought that he had never made a better decision.

 

Despite the confident mask of a person he  put on around most people, Daniel was actually very insecure and constantly on the edge, worrying about what everyone thought about him. Maybe that was why he fucked around so much-- to make himself feel appreciated and wanted. He couldn’t say the same for the people he’d dumped, but to be so looked up upon by people he didn’t even know, it made him feel power. Assurance.

 

And he liked to feel that-- he _craved_ assurance and approval from other people. And that was possibly due to the fact that he lacked that when he was a child, pressured by his parents and siblings to chase after perfection since a tender age-- something he had never achieved, at least not by his family’s standards.

 

Anyway, since he changed his hair color again, he’d felt more _sure_ than ever-- self-approval or something along that line.

 

“Going to the party this Saturday?” Seongwoo asked, patting the spot next to him on the bench, a gesture inviting Daniel to sit beside him.

 

“I don’t know, really,” Daniel said, planting himself beside his friend.

 

“There will be tons of freshmen there.”

 

“And why are you telling me this? You know I don’t have a particular interest in them.”

 

Seongwoo hummed and nodded with a small smile. “I’m not so sure about that-- I know of _one_ freshman you’ll definitely be looking forward to see around campus and I think he’ll be there this Saturday.” Daniel could tell something was off by the way Seongwoo was evidently excited to announce the piece of news he’d somehow managed to get his hands on. The younger boy relented and raised an eyebrow, prompting Seongwoo to continue. “Park Jihoon.”

 

And that was it. Seongwoo was perched on the edge of his seat like a bird about to take flight, his eyes fixed on Daniel’s, waiting for the explosive reaction he’d expected. He didn’t go much into detail about Jihoon’s case because he knew that the name itself would be self-explanatory enough. But there was nothing. Something flickered uncertainly in Daniel’s eyes and the younger boy’s expression went a little blank and indifferent, but that was all. Seongwoo’s smile fell. He was hoping that this semester would be a little more interesting than the last but it seemed like Daniel really thought of Jihoon as nothing more than another one of his casual flings.

 

“So?” Daniel asked flatly.

 

“God, you’re such a bitch.”

 

Daniel looked away and shrugged nonchalantly, as if the news of him possibly meeting Jihoon again wasn’t a big deal. He exhaled heavily, feeling kind of vexed and not knowing why. “Yeah, thanks. I already knew that.”

 

“Are you going to go?” his friend continued to pester him insistently.

 

“I was going to up until you told me he might be there. You know I don’t like running into my exes, Seongwoo.”

 

“Huh,” Seongwoo murmured to himself. “Judging by how much you fuck on a weekly basis, I’d thought that you would have already been with half the campus by now.”

 

“I didn’t date them,” Daniel hissed.

 

“Ah,” Seongwoo crooned annoyingly, “so Park Jihoon was an exception.”

 

“ _No_ ,” Daniel growled, furrowing his brows together, still refusing to look at Seongwoo in the face. “Park Jihoon…” _meant a lot to me_ , was what he wanted to say, but he stopped himself short before he could get there. “Park Jihoon was a bad decision,” he decided finally.

 

Because it wasn’t a complete lie-- Jihoon was a bad decision, but he definitely wasn’t a mistake. No matter how many sleepless nights Daniel spent in bed with his brain ridden by thoughts of the boy, he could never find a fault in him.

 

Park Jihoon was innocent, he was pure. He was like the first day of spring.

 

And Daniel was far too tainted to be with him.

  
  
\-----

 

Unfortunately for Jihoon, he ended up being stuck as Samuel’s roommate.

 

He saw this coming, of course. After all, they both requested each other for roommates on the matching questionnaire and they had similar habits and preferences. Plus, it was definitely better than having to be introduced to a new person and put up with whatever weird tendencies the guy had. But still, Jihoon was kind of disappointed with the fact that he wouldn’t be fully exploring the ‘ _new' a_ spect of this chapter to his life thoroughly.

 

“I’m taking the nicer bed,” Samuel said. “And _you_ do the unlocking-- I already put my key away.”

 

“You’re so annoying,” the older boy complained with a frown.

 

“Just hurry up.” Jihoon wasn’t happy being bossed around by his younger friend but he settled with muttering a few choice words under his breath and immediately set about unlocking their room door, anticipation coursing through his veins. The door opened with a small click and Jihoon pushed it ajar.

 

“ _Well,_ ” Samuel finally spoke. “That was more anti climatic than I thought it would be.” They walked gingerly into the room, inspecting every inch of it with their eyes. There was some dust on the desks, wardrobes and shelves but other than that, it was pretty standard and normal looking.

 

Normal was familiar, Jihoon could make peace with a room like this.

 

The sheets on the beds looked freshly changed and were in pristine condition, so Samuel hopped onto the bed on the right side, then hurried to the other one, testing both of them out. Jihoon should put a stop to it and start nagging the younger boy but he was far too drained of energy for that.

 

“I’m taking the one on the right side,” he finally declared.

 

“Fine,” Jihoon sniffed and dumped his bag onto the chair on his side of the room.

 

“Should we start establishing ground rules?”

 

“Let’s get the rest of our stuff before someone steals them. Also, your dad is probably getting impatient.”

 

The younger boy scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Screw him.” Jihoon wasn’t shocked when his friend had answered-- he knew about the strained relationship between Samuel and his father and after meeting the man a few times, he decided that he couldn’t blame Samuel for despising his own father so much. “No one wants your smelly ass plushies, Jihoon,” the guy added.

 

“No one wants your smelly ass, Samuel,” Jihoon shot back. Samuel feigned hurt but Jihoon was already halfway out the door.

  
  
\-----

 

They moved the rest of their stuff up to their room together quickly enough, thanks to the fact that Samuel wasn’t too hung up on saying goodbye to his dad. After taking out his fat, new expensive textbooks and dropping them unceremoniously on his desk, he started putting them into place on the shelf above the table. Needless to say, Samuel was less enthusiastic about starting to unpack. He’d been disturbing his best friend for the past few minutes, trying to get Jihoon in on the idea of going out to get coffee or some small snacks.

 

Jihoon ignored him straight on.

 

After folding and hanging up all of his clothes in the wardrobe, Jihoon started what he thought was the most important and fun part of unpacking-- personalizing his side of the space.

 

“Jihoon,” Samuel whined.

 

“What.”

 

“I’m bored. Let’s do something interesting.”

 

“Like what?” Jihoon asked, falling right into the trap.

 

The younger boy sat up straighter on his bed. “Like… _gossiping._ Talking.”

 

Jihoon turned back to the box labelled ‘books and pictures' and started unloading the contents of it onto the floor, careful when handling each item. He was already disinterested but just to keep Samuel in a decent mood, he went along with it. “Sure,” he agreed, mustering up all the eagerness he could into his voice, which honestly wasn’t much. “Let’s talk. You start.”

 

“So. _Daniel_.”

 

“Okay, stop.” Jihoon stood up and faced Samuel with a serious expression. Everytime he heard that name, he could feel his old wounds and scars reopening and reaching deeper in him than ever. Not literally, of course-- almost all the signs of self-harm he’d inflicted on himself before were nearly healed. Scars on skin mended and got better, but the ones on his heart had yet to do the same. “Like you said earlier, I think we’re really going to have to make some rules if you want to continue living with me.”

 

Samuel opened his mouth but Jihoon continued speaking first, “First of all, no talking about that guy. Second of all, from now on, I want to pretend I don’t know him. _Please_.”

 

“Yeah, so you’re just going to run away from your problems like you did before? Smart plan,” Samuel argued, his words carrying on a sarcastic tone.

 

“Yes, I will,” Jihoon replied seriously.

 

“Really, Jihoon, what makes you think that’s a good strategy?”

 

“Strategy for what, Sam? This isn’t a fucking game we’re playing right now. It’s my _life_ and that guy ruined it. All I’m trying to do is make everything better but every time you say his name--” Jihoon’s voice broke and he struggled for a few seconds to recollect his calm demeanor. “Look. Point is, Samuel, I’m trying to recover from what he did to me. I’m not going to deny the fact that he probably fucked me up so badly it’s beyond repair, but I’m doing my best at forgetting that asshole for good, so I would like it if you could stop bringing him up.”

 

Samuel was frowning, clearly showing his disapproval of Jihoon’s plan.

 

“You can’t just… _forget._ Memories don’t go away that easily.”

 

“That’s why I’m trying so hard.”

 

They were silent for a few heartbeats, and Jihoon turned away from his friend before he started crying again. He knelt down and reached into the box, pulling the last of its contents out of it, his actions dragged out but purposeful.

 

“Fine.”

 

Jihoon ignored him, focused on arranging the framed photographs set on his desk. There were only three in total-- one of him with Samuel and the latter’s dog Cooper wagging its tail between the both of them happily while another showed Jihoon and his older brother each cradling a bouquet of flowers in their arms, smiling brightly at the camera. Jihoon smiled a little as he looked at it, the picture flooding his mind with nothing but good memories. It was a nice change. In the last photograph, Jihoon, Jinyoung, Samuel and Daehwi were hugging tightly, as if they never wanted to let go. It was a testament to their close friendship, and Jihoon cherished that picture very much indeed. It was at the graduation ceremony of their high school and Jihoon remembered how ecstatic and free he felt on that day.

 

However, a good two weeks after they took that picture together, Daehwi and Jinyoung (dubbed as Jinhwi by Samuel) announced their newly founded relationship to Samuel and Jihoon. They were so thrilled, Jihoon couldn’t bear to express his disappointment to the duo. Instead, he started to distance himself from the two, coming less and less frequently to their post high school graduation gatherings. Samuel had been right by his side throughout that whole period of time, choosing to prioritize Jihoon’s feelings over anything else.

 

“I won’t talk about _him_ anymore.”

 

“God, please don’t start saying it like that. You make it sound as though this is some shitty cliche-d romance novel.”

 

“Stop criticizing romance novels,” Samuel said defensively. "If you don't want to talk about your ex anymore, _fine._ But I want to make sure you won't bring up or insult my book genre preferences anymore." Jihoon relaxed and laughed lightly at that, refraining himself from mentioning his best friend's all time favorite novel-- Twilight. The sound of Jihoon brightening up again brought a smile to Samuel’s lips automatically. He could never stand seeing Jihoon sad. 

 

“Thanks. I appreciate it,” Jihoon said genuinely.

 

“That’s what friends are for, you dipshit. And since you only have one left, I figured I should make myself as helpful as three friends combined.”

 

The older boy smiled softly at that.

 

Samuel cleared his throat. “Anyway, since I’ve been so tolerant and nice to you, I insist you stop unpacking right now and come have coffee with me downstairs.” He stood up from the bed and hooked his arm around Jihoon’s to pull the latter up forcefully. “Let’s go, you lil fucker, we have a lot of things to do.”

 

Jihoon groaned as he let himself be dragged from his spot on the floor. “Remind me why I put up with your shit.”

 

“Making amends, remember? Grab your stuff and hurry,” Samuel rushed his friend impatiently.

 

Jihoon only thought to bring along his phone and room keys.

 

Before Jihoon closed the door behind them, Samuel turned back just in time to see Jihoon’s gaze lingering on the picture of the four of them clinging on to one another.

 

 _I’m the only one he has left now_ , Samuel realized sadly. He couldn’t imagine how lonely that must feel.

 

 

\-----

 

 

They were at a cafe called _Java Flava_ and in all honesty Daniel thought that it was a little lame and tried too hard to look like Starbucks, but Seongwoo had demanded to come here so in the end, Daniel gave up on arguing about which place to eat at and went with his friend’s suggestion. Jisung and Woojin both tagged along with them as well.

 

He should’ve known that a place called the _Java Flava_ would of course attract Park Jihoon. As the latter walked into the cafe, Daniel couldn’t believe how similar the boy had remained in terms of physical appearances. He was just as pretty as before, with his smooth, milky skin and full pink lips. Daniel’s gaze immediately flitted over to the younger boy’s eyes-- a habit he just realized that he never got rid of. He had loved looking and staring into them for hours on end back when they were together, mainly because when people said that Jihoon had stars in his eyes, they weren’t exaggerating at all. But something about the boy had shifted-- _changed-_ \- but Daniel couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

 

He did a double take when he realized that the other boy-- golden, tall and handsome-- who came in after Jihoon was _with_ Jihoon. And that guy was none other than Samuel, Jihoon’s best friend since high school. Daniel would be lying if he said that he didn’t feel a sharp, jealous stab to his heart when he saw how close the two were with each other.

 

His hands gripped the edge of the cafe’s wooden table tightly.

 

“What are you looking at?” Seongwoo asked him, then followed his line of sight and spotted Jihoon as well. Daniel knew he was fucked when Seongwoo's shit eating grin appeared. He laughed loudly, surprising Daniel and gaining the attention of Woojin and Jisung quickly. They stared at him curiously, trying to point out what Seongwoo had found so hilarious. He prodded Daniel in the stomach and gave another short burst of laughter. “Oh my god, you’re literally like a Park Jihoon magnet,” he exclaimed.

 

Daniel glared at Seongwoo with fire in his eyes as the rest of their company tried to figure out what was happening. Daniel shot his friend a warning look but was blatantly ignored without second thoughts.

 

“Hey Woojin, you know that Daniel used to date that guy from your class before, right?”

 

“Daniel dated a lot of guys before-- which one are you talking about?”

 

“Short, very pretty and a model student. Has the ‘ _most stunning eyes anyone has ever seen’_ ,” Seongwoo described, eyes darting over to Daniel when he quoted the latter. He rolled his eyes hard. “Ever heard of this guy?”

 

The redhead looked confused but nodded anyway. “Yeah… his name is Jihoon, right? I wasn’t very close to him and we very nearly never talked. I have a feeling he’s kind of intimidated by me. Weird guy,” Woojin mused to himself.

 

“And did you know that he’s like, actually _here_ , right now?”

 

“Who is Jihoon and why haven’t I heard of him before?” Jisung asked automatically, turning on his big brother mode. It only ever appeared when Daniel got himself a new partner, which was pretty often because he didn’t really like sticking around just one person for too long. Jisung turned his eyes onto Daniel and pursed his lips together tightly, definitely about to demand an explanation from the boy. _God, he reminds me of my mum,_ Daniel lamented to himself.

 

“Ask Daniel yourself-- he’s still heads over heels in love with him,” Seongwoo answered in a breezy, sing-song voice that pissed Daniel off to no end.

 

“Fucking die, Ong Seongwoo,” Daniel muttered under his breath.

 

Woojin was still puzzled, but his interest had been undoubtedly piqued. “He’s here?” he asked loudly. “Where is he? Is he coming over?”

 

“I’m not head over heels in love with _anyone_ ,” Daniel tried desperately to explain to Jisung. “Really, I swear to god I’m not hiding anything from you. You find out all my secrets eventually anyway,” he said as convincingly as he could, which was apparently not enough because Jisung still had his eyes narrowed at Daniel, the older boy scrutinizing him, searching for the tell tale signs of lying in Daniel’s eyes.

 

“Then why don’t I know about this Park Jihoon?”

 

“ _Because,"_  he nearly shouted, “you never asked!”

 

“Where is he, where is he,” Woojin kept on chanting under his breath, practically climbing the seats to search for his high school classmate. “I can’t see him. Seongwoo, do you see him?”

 

“Can you guys like, shut up,” Daniel replied in a low, dangerous tone. Much to his surprise, they quieted down obediently (which Daniel found weird, but decided not to mention). Even Woojin stopped trying to scale the sofa. “Since you guys want to know who Jihoon is, I’ll tell you-- he’s just another one of the people I fucked around with and then dumped because I only ever wanted one thing from him and I got it eventually. He means absolutely nothing more than that to me and I have no idea why Seongwoo thinks he’s any different from my other flings, okay?”

 

He leaned back into his seat and closed his eyes for a few seconds, giving himself some peace. Then he opened his eyes, the uncomfortable silence finally creeping him out enough. He looked around the table and stared at their frozen frames, as if someone had used the pause button on all of them.

 

“What?” he asked.

 

He frowned deeply and turned to the left, and met the eyes of Park Jihoon, who happened to be looking straight at him as well.

 

Judging by the dark expression on Samuel’s face, Daniel could already tell he’d fucked up with Jihoon for the second time.


	2. He's nothing and everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS I'M SO STUPID I FORGOT TO ADD THIS HAHAHAH  
> Jihoon is 19-freshman  
> Daniel is 22- junior  
> Seongwoo is 23- junior  
> Jisung is 24- senior  
> Guanlin is 21- junior  
> Samuel is 19- freshman  
> these are all their international ages so to know their korean age, just add 1 year to the numbers  
> enjoy ^^  
> ask me anything in the comments if you guys are confused or smthg :>>  
> and yes, I lied. the angst comes early. the middle part is fluffy though so prepare for that <3333  
> *** this is a nielwink fic ***

"Park Jihoon," Daniel breathed out, his throat tight and his brain convulsing with spasms as he tried to comprehend the  _realness_ of the situation he was stuck in right now. Samuel's glare drilled holes into his face as he felt his entire head being set on fire. His ears were burning, and he had no doubt that they were already red with embarrassment and regret. He couldn't even bear looking at Jisung, who was definitely judging him at the moment.

 

"Kang Daniel," Jihoon said in greeting through gritted teeth, his face red as well. Daniel couldn't tell if it was from anger or embarrassment and he didn't want to even try guessing.

 

"Ong Seongwoo." Everyone at the table turned to look at the guy. Seongwoo was smiling widely, holding out his hand for an introduction. "I'm your ex's best friend."

 

"Slash fuck-buddy at times of emergencies," Woojin muttered under his breath, earning himself a hard smack at the back of his head from Jisung. Daniel was still too ashamed and shocked to reach over and slap Woojin, eventhough he wanted very much to do so. Daniel only hoped that Woojin had said it quietly enough for the statement (not untrue) to pass by unnoticed. Unfortunately, he caught the change of expression in Samuel's  _very expressive_ face and he started to scream at himself internally.

 

"What, so you're his current fuckmate?" Samuel asked with venom and disgust dripping from his words.

 

Seongwoo seemed to consider this with care for a minute before nodding and shrugging, saying, "Yeah, I guess so. Only on most Sundays, though-- Daniel's social calendar is full most of the time, if you get what I mean."

 

Jihoon's best friend sneered at the comment, clearly appalled by how unexpectedly straightforward Seongwoo was. Samuel's hand snaked over to Jihoon's and held it tightly-- it came so naturally to him, he didn't need to put in any effort to make it seem instinctive. The warmth from Jihoon's palm was spreading over to Samuel's cold hand and the latter had felt so at ease knowing Jihoon was beside him, he felt some tension rolling off his shoulders and back. Seeing this, Seongwoo retracted his hand and smirked, looking somewhat triumphant. "Well, for your information," Samuel started to say, looking straight at Daniel, who was still refusing to lift his head up, "Jihoon doesn't want anything to do with you either."

 

"Well, to be honest we didn't ask, but okay. Noted," Seongwoo hummed infuriatingly.

 

"Samuel, let's just go back," Jihoon said pleadingly, urgency lacing his words. Daniel's eyes snapped up when he heard Jihoon finally speak and their eyes met by accident uncomfortably. The corner of his lips twitched downwards ever so slightly when he saw how Jihoon tugged at his and Samuel's interlocked fingers, clearly seeking the latter's attention. Daniel tried to desperately disguise the fact that he was practically  _bursting_ to reach out and hold Jihoon as well. " _Please_?"

 

"Not before you tell us why you came over," Seongwoo insisted slyly. "Do enlighten us with your explanation, Jihoon ssi. I'm sure it'll be interesting."

 

Woojin raised an eyebrow while Jisung leaned forward, his searching brown eyes incredibly focused on Jihoon. The youngest among the four of them sat back instead, trying to figure out why Seongwoo was so weirdly insufferable today. Could it be that he was feeling threatened by Jihoon's reappearance?

 

"I heard myself being mentioned," Jihoon said. Daniel noticed the defiant tone of his words, the little upward tilt of his chin. "I wasn't even planning on speaking to any of you, but it took me by surprise so I stopped walking for a moment."

 

"I don't see why he has to answer to you," Samuel pointed out coldly.

 

"You were shocked because you didn't think Daniel would remember you?" Seongwoo continued to ask, paying no heed to Samuel's remark.

 

Jihoon pursed his lips and took in a deep breath before answering. "Yes. Seeing as how insignificant I was to him, I didn't think he'd still remember my name. Really, I used to think that we were dating but according to Daniel, nothing of the sort ever happened. Happy now?" he asked.

 

"Yeah," Seongwoo said, smiling to himself.

 

Jihoon shifted his weight from one leg to another, trying to decide what he should do next.

 

"Can you leave?" Daniel suddenly spoke up. His expression was dark and shadowed, his eyes steely and set on Jihoon. "I'm not in the mood to deal with people like you today." Jihoon stared at Daniel with something like disbelief, but it was gone in a second, replaced by anger instead.

 

"Gladly. I don't want to associate myself with a fuckboy anyway."

 

"At least I'm not the easy one here," Daniel blurted out, and immediately regretted it. He saw the hurt flash across Jihoon's face and he realized for the second time that day what an asshole he was. He stayed frozen in his seat as he watched his ex leave the cafe with a fuming Samuel in tow, as did his other three friends. Daniel shut his eyes tightly, rewinding what he just said to Jihoon in his brain. He had called Jihoon easy.

 

 _Fuck_.

 

"Well that was awkward." As expected, Seongwoo was the first to speak.

 

"I wonder what Daniel ever saw in him," Jisung put in. Woojin was the only one among his close friends who didn't speak, choosing instead to sip at his coffee undisturbed. At that moment, Jisung turned back to Daniel, staring at the boy he always considered as the younger brother he never had. "What  _really_ happened between you two?"

 

"Nothing," Daniel replied, tired and feeling like he wanted to cry. It was once again another half-truth. Almost nothing phenomenal or unexpected happened between the both of them, but at the same time, Daniel felt as though  _everything_ happened over the span of five and a half months in which they had 'dated' each other. He squeezed his hands into fists and willed himself not to think of the boy whose smile could light up his entire universe. The boy he ran away from.

 

Park Jihoon was nothing and  _everything_ to Kang Daniel.

 

Funny how these things normally unfolded.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

"That fucking  _bitch_ ," Jihoon all but screeched into Samuel's ears the moment the door closed behind them. They were back at their room in record time, thanks to how fast Jihoon could walk when he was outraged.

 

"Okay, okay," Samuel muttered nervously under his breath, angry at himself for wanting to pull Jihoon out of the safety of their dorm room in the first place. "Ground rules-- no talking about Dani--"

 

Before he could finish saying the last syllable of Daniel's name, a pillow hit him square in the face from across the other side of the room. "Don't  _say_ his name," his best friend hissed venomously. "There are rules," he reminded Samuel (not that Samuel was the one between the both of them who needed the reminder). "In this room, no one talks about that asshole except for me. I made the rules and clearly there should be exceptions as to who they apply to."

 

"A fucking hypocrite! I can't believe this," Samuel exclaimed to himself, throwing his hands up.

 

"You don't get to criticize me as long as you still write Twilight fanfiction," Jihoon said.

 

"I thought we talked about this before. You can't mention my preferences for books, remember?"

 

"I was talking about your  _fanfiction_."

 

" _Fine_ ," Samuel relented, falling spread-eagle on his bed. "Go on. Rant to me about big dick guy."

 

"Big dick guy?"

 

"You dirty little shit. I bet you saw it before didn't you. He's big, right? Don't even try lying," Samuel said. He lifted up his head a little just to catch a glance of Jihoon's expression and it brought a smile to his lips immediately. Jihoon was blushing furiously (he'd always been one who resorted to blushing very easily) and his cheeks were all puffed up and red. Samuel thought that Jihoon slightly resembled a chubby, rather harmless squirrel. One that was prone to quick anger.

 

"Well,  _yeah,"_ his friend admitted grudgingly. He was flustered and caught off guard, Samuel could tell. He knew every single one of Jihoon's expressions. Bitterly, he wondered to himself if Daniel ever bothered to do the same. He was somewhat a bystander back when they were dating and he watched every stage of their relationship's development with his very own eyes, but Jihoon never filled in the blanks of the things Samuel was still perturbed about. Not that he would ever ask, of course. If Jihoon had wanted to tell Samuel about it, he already would have done so. Samuel would never pressure his friend into doing anything he didn't want to do, unlike a certain Kang Daniel.

 

Samuel snickered to lighten the mood in the room. "Okay, so tell me about him. Big dick guy."

 

"Samuel, please stop that. It's very disturbing."

 

"Then what should I call him?"

 

"Don't call him anything. Just listen and be a good friend for once," Jihoon said. Samuel thought that it was a bit unfair, calling him a bad friend, but seeing as Jihoon wasn't in a very good mood, he decided not to fight his friend on that. Samuel nodded, and stared at Jihoon, who was seated on the bed directly across from him. He looked serene and calm and angelic with his eyes closed (not that he was any less beautiful when they were open), long eyelashes fanned out over his flawless, pearly skin. His brown hair caught the sunlight and highlighted some parts a gorgeous honey brown. Samuel's heart did a little backflip. "What do I do, Sam?" he finally asked, his eyes still shut. "We're studying at the same place-- it's obvious we're going to meet on campus at one point or another. I just don't think I can face him anymore without punching his face after what he said just now."

 

At the mention of  _just now_ , Samuel's blood started boiling. Who did Kang Daniel think he was, going around calling Jihoon  _easy_ in front of so many people. It wasn't as though Jihoon was the one who fucked just about everyone he knew.

 

"I don't know if you realized, but I'm kind of inexperienced in situations like these," Samuel confessed hesitatingly.

 

"You write fanfics everyday, you should be useful in situations like these," Jihoon whined.

 

"I'm sorry," Samuel said softly, almost like a puppy's whine. His heart thumped uncomfortably in his chest cavity and for some reason, it felt out of place. Because for once, he was lost. This wasn't a story he was writing. He wasn't the god of this thing. He was one of the characters being arranged and played, and he couldn't do anything to make it better for Jihoon. If he could, he would have already done so. Everyone knew.

 

For Park Jihoon, he'd bring down the moon and stop time just to see him smile.

 

He glanced at Jihoon, who was frowning deeply with his brows furrowed. Jihoon would get over Daniel soon. He had to. Samuel looked away, finally realizing why Jihoon refused to open his eyes. Because he was going to cry, but he didn't want to let Samuel see him break down over Daniel.

 

 _Again_ , Samuel reminded himself.  _He doesn't want me to see him cry over Daniel again._

 

He crawled out of bed and went over to Jihoon's side. Gently, he moved the older boy so that Jihoon's head was resting against his chest, possibly hearing Samuel's every single heartbeat. Samuel hoped that he did, because one of the reasons why he was still alive and breathing was because of Jihoon. He couldn't leave his friend alone, not while Jihoon still had so much to live for in his life.

 

Samuel might have nothing left, but Jihoon had everything-- he just didn't realize it. Jihoon  _was_ everything. To Samuel, at least.

 

"It's okay to not be fine sometimes," he whispered to Jihoon. He watched as a tear rolled down the side of Jihoon's face. At first it was just one, then another appeared. And another. He watched Jihoon cry and the feeling of knowing that he could do nothing to stop it carved an empty hole in his chest. Samuel took in a deep breath and threaded his fingers through Jihoon's hair, humming a lullaby he knew the older boy loved.

 

"Thanks for being such a good friend," Jihoon said softly. "I take back what I said earlier."

 

 _Friend_. Samuel wanted to scoff at that word, beat it out of existence. It fucking sucked to be in love with your best friend. Sometimes Samuel wondered if Jihoon knew about the long-time crush Samuel had harbored for him for so many years gone by. Everytime they had a moment like this, times when Samuel had tiny wisps of hope that he had a chance-- that  _they_ had a chance--, Jihoon would always be on time when reminding Samuel what he was to the older boy. A friend.

 

 _Fuck that word_ , Samuel thought to himself.  _Fuck Kang Daniel_. He was going to have to pay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of course Jihoon knew. He would be an idiot if he didn't.

 

As he repeatedly heard the reassuring sound of Samuel's heartbeats resonating in his ear, he wondered for a tiny moment if it was possible to be with Samuel. He ended up shaking his head to himself. He wanted to fall in love with Samuel. That would be so easy, wouldn't it? Samuel was handsome, he was caring, and he was always looking at Jihoon like he'd never get tired of him.

 

That was what Jihoon wanted the most, wasn't it? Commitment.  _Love_.

 

But the universe never made it easy for anyone-- though Jihoon had a hunch that he was a little more on the downside of luck compared to anyone else-- and sometimes, you just couldn't fall in love with the most lovable people. People like Samuel.

 

So whenever they got a little too close for comfort, Jihoon would distance himself figuratively by calling Samuel just a friend. It must hurt for his best friend, of course, but Jihoon didn't want to give Samuel some false hope for something he would never get. The boy deserved so many things, it was just that some of them Jihoon couldn't give him. He looked up at his best friend and realized that Samuel was slowly falling asleep as well.  _What does it feel like to be in love with me?_ he wanted to ask. The words were just on the tip of his tongue but somehow, he couldn't bring himself to say them out aloud.  _Why is it so different for you? Why can't Daniel love me the same?_

 

But the words were left unsaid for too long. In the end, they remained just as what they were--  _words_. Just like Daniel's "'I love you's". Empty little things with no feelings to concrete them, make them memorable and _real_. Jihoon would forget about those questions soon. He hoped.

 

 _I'm using him_ , was the last thought that ran through Jihoon's mind before he drifted off to sleep.

 

He dreamed of a boy, but not the right one.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

Jihoon was all Daniel could think about for the rest of the day. That was his own fault, he supposed. Him and his fucking mouth.

 

"Can't believe you called him easy," Seongwoo said, almost breezily. Like he didn't give a fuck about whether Daniel wanted to be reminded of it or not (Daniel suspected that his friend really didn't care). Seongwoo had been bugging him about the scene at the cafe for the better part of his day and it was approaching midnight soon. They were sitting at a table in  _front_ of the library, mainly because the convenience store next to it sold a lot of beer and Daniel needed some (really, what kind of message was the university trying to send to their students?). He was too lazy to get dressed up to go out, anyway.

 

He only brought Seongwoo this time, leaving the other two out because Woojin claimed that he didn't want to get more involved in Daniel's " _mess_ " and Jisung was busy. Busy with  _what_ , Daniel didn't know. And at this point, he really couldn't care less.

 

"Was he?" A change of questions.  _Great_ , Daniel thought, his mind fuzzy with the pulsing of alcohol, poison running in his veins.

 

"Was he what?" he asked back impatiently. His head lolled over to Seongwoo's side and the latter pushed him away without hesitation, disgust apparent on his face. Daniel pouted to himself dejectedly.

 

"God, you stink of alcohol," Seongwoo complained. "Was he really easy?"

 

Daniel took in a deep breath and then sighed. "I take you here to drink with me and forget all about his pretty eyes and the one thing you keep doing is remind me of him," he slurred, exasperation still detectable in his voice. "I'm an asshole, Seongwoo. Please. Let me live. I just want to be free of the shit I created for once."

 

"An irresponsible young man. Your parents would be proud."

 

"True. Especially my mum. She left because she loved me too much."

 

 _God_ , Seongwoo thought to himself,  _he must be really drunk_. Daniel didn't talk about his mother at all, period. It was an unmentioned rule between Daniel and his circle of friends, and no one even knew when or who established it in the first place. "Alright, I think that's enough. Let's go home. You're fucking drunk, you dipshit. I don't want to carry you all the way home. You're too heavy for me anyway."

 

Daniel's hands shot up in the sky. "No!" he garbled loudly. "No home," he mumbled the last part to himself.

 

 _Just great. Everytime I try to be a good friend, something like this happens._ He looked around his surroundings to check if there was something that could help him out of this pile of crap he'd landed himself into. The lady working at the store seemed nice enough, and she smiled when their eyes met, but Seongwoo was sure she wasn't nice enough to help him carry Daniel all the way back to their apartment. There  _was_ a shopping cart in front of the place, though (Seongwoo didn't know why it was there-- the convenience store was practically miniature). Carefully, he approached the lady working at the counter.

 

"Hey, can I borrow that cart for a while? It sounds weird, but I promise I'm not stealing it," Seongwoo said, all smiles and crinkled eyes.

 

A slight pink blush settled over both her cheeks and she nodded quickly. "Sure!" she said a little too loudly. Seongwoo felt embarrassed for her. Especially because he wasn't interested.

 

"Thank you, you're very nice," he flattered her. It sounded a little bit too formal even in his ears, but he wasn't about to waste effort baiting someone he wasn't even going to do anything with.

 

When he turned around on his heels, he heard her call him back.

 

"Sir!" Seongwoo stared at her, waiting. "I, uh, would you mind leaving your phone number behind? In case you decide to not return it back?" She was clearly trying to get his number for different purposes. That line was so frequently used on him, he had to resist a very strong urge to roll his eyes (not that he had to borrow carts from other places multiple times)(But he might or might not have done that before).

 

"Look, you're very nice but..."

 

The lady looked expectant.  _Jiyoon_ , Seongwoo read from her shiny name tag. She was pretty, with puppy-like monolid eyes, pink lips and brown hair. She was pretty, but maybe she looked too much like someone he knew and had feelings for.

 

"I'm gay," he ended his previous sentence. "Thank you again, have a good night."

 

He turned around to leave before he could see the shock register on her face. She resembled Daniel so much, they could actually be twins. Having one Kang Daniel hovering around his thoughts all the time was exhausting enough, he didn't need two constantly bothering him. 

 

"H-hold on, you're gay?"

 

Seongwoo's shoulders slumped over as he looked back at her, fixing on his ice cold stare. He was a pretty smiley person and he liked to credit himself for that, but very few knew that he kept one or two expressions hidden until situations like these came up. "Yeah. Got a problem with that, Jiyoon?"

 

She flinched, as though she didn't want to hear her name being called by Seongwoo. "But how can someone like you--"

 

Seongwoo looked up at the ceiling and shrugged, plastering on a forced smile across his face. "God's unfair, isn't he? Not only he made me attractive, fit and nice, he even made me gay, too. Sometimes people are just too perfect for explanations. I'm glad he decided to make me this complete, though. There's no chances of me dating people like you now. Anyway, have a good night. I hope you find someone who can put up with your homophobic crap, but I'm sure that's just a tiny part of what a disgusting person you actually are." He started walking towards the entrance. "I was going to let you have your fucking cart back, but I'm keeping it now."

 

He went out laughing to himself, eventhough it wasn't even that funny. He looked over his shoulder to check if she was following. Fortunately, she wasn't. Seongwoo dragged the cart over to Daniel's slumped over body at the table, wondering to himself why he put up with his friend's shit.

 

"Get the fuck up, Daniel," he called roughly.

 

The guy mumbled something in return but because Seongwoo was familiar with Daniel's sleeping habits, he knew that his friend was undoubtedly passed out already-- he was just sleep talking. He exhaled heavily and started to move closer to Daniel. There were still cans of unopened beer on the table but Seongwoo decided against putting them into the cart as well, in case Daniel woke up wanting to drink again. He could deal with taking care of his drunk friend tonight, but he was sure he wouldn't be able to handle it for two days straight. He was done with all the incoherent bullshit mixed with the clingy fumes of alcohol.

 

Seongwoo wasn't particularly strong, but he could lift Daniel up a little for just a short while with no problem, thanks to past experiences similar to this one. Mercilessly, he dumped the guy into the cart-- though he was careful with Daniel's head in case he accidentally committed murder-- and waited for any sharp or severe reactions. Thankfully, there were none.

 

He pushed Daniel all the way back to their building, ignoring the looks cast on them by the other students mingling around campus despite how late it was getting.

 

They lived on campus housing, apartment-style buildings for upper-classmen only. It was chaos there no matter what day of the week it was, and whether it was night or day. Sometimes, Seongwoo wished that they were still living in the halls with the other new students. But if Seongwoo was being honest to himself, the freshmen weren't any better than the juniors. The only groups of people that could be trusted were generally the sophomores and the seniors (along with a select few Seongwoo dubbed the losers).

 

When they reached their building, Seongwoo was half-panting and sweating already. He looked at Daniel, whose body was bent in quite a weird position in the cart. He understood now why so many people were staring at him suspiciously. Daniel could pass for a fucking corpse rather easily. 

 

He rested on a bench nearby and stared at the cart.

 

The problem now was trying to get Daniel out of it. No, the problem was just Daniel. Seongwoo looked up at the sky, examining each star displayed across the carpet of black with care. At times like these, times when his mind got too clouded with thoughts of Daniel-- just Daniel-- he would have to look for a distraction, or else he'd go crazy and send his anxiety on overdrive.  _Then_ , disaster happens.

 

The problem was Daniel. 

 

 _It's always Daniel_ , he thought to himself, laughing bitterly.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

Woojin was hanging out in Jisung's apartment unit, lounging about on the couch while channel-hopping. They were about to watch a movie and Jisung was making the popcorn in the kitchen.

 

"I wonder what they're doing now," Jisung called out to Woojin. The latter smiled and shook his head to himself. Jisung could never stop talking, even if he was miles away from the nearest person. "Woojin?" he asked tentatively when he heard no response.

 

"Fucking."

 

"Is it even possible to have a decent and civil conversation with you?" the older guy asked as he brought two bowls full of popcorn to the living room, handing one of them over to Woojin gingerly. The latter rolled his eyes and snatched it from Jisung's hand.

 

"Sometimes, when I'm in the mood," Woojin replied, throwing a popcorn into the air in an arc, then catching it between his teeth.

 

They were silent for a moment, waiting for the movie to start playing. "I can't imagine him being with anyone else other than Seongwoo, you know." Woojin didn't need to be a genius in order to figure out that he was talking about Jihoon. "The way Seongwoo's breath catches every time he looks at Daniel... They both like each other. There's no mistaking that," Jisung continued when Woojin didn't reply. The younger boy rolled his eyes.

 

"You're just a romantic, hyung."

 

"Maybe. But you can't deny the fact that they know it themselves, too," Jisung contemplated. "They know that they're the endgame couple. Everyone who has ever been with Daniel knows that they're just temporary compared to Seongwoo's place in Daniel's life, too. Maybe Jihoon didn't get the same message everyone else did, but yeah-- they're going to end up together. I can feel it."

 

Woojin shook his head. "They don't know it. They  _think_ it. No one knows if it's true until it happens, anyway. There's a difference between those two things." The boy looked down and squeezed a popcorn flat between his thumb and his index finger.

 

"Are you talking about Seob?" Jisung asked softly, sensing that this was a topic that shouldn't be taken lightly of.

 

Woojin ended up not replying. He didn't have to. The movie had started playing already. He just hoped that Daniel would make the right decision, and soon, because all of them were getting tired of this game Daniel kept on playing and dragging out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave kudos and lots of comments I wanna interact with you guys moar!  
> anyway i just realized how rowdy and wild the tags sound like? i promise this aint some wild cowboy shit  
> peace out i love y'all
> 
> A/N: jihoon is technically legal in this fic and i'm going to warn y'all that THERE WILL BE NO SMUT (because he isn't legal yet in real life) but it will be mentioned (at least, i think so) that they did the dirty ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
> tell me guys if you are uncomfortable with that and I will be sure to add a warning before it happens or I will exclude it completely from the storyline!
> 
> <333


	3. You're the only thing warm in winter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back~  
> for some weird, annoying reason, ao3 states that I last updated on the twentieth, when in fact I uploaded the latest chapter on the twenty-fifth. sigh. anyways, enjoy
> 
> **this is a nielwink fic**

First days were always exciting.

 

Like the first day of junior high when he became friends with Samuel. Or when he graduated to high school and first caught sight of the legendary, infamous Kang Daniel. Now that Jihoon thought about it, it was partly his own fault that he had been played so badly. He should have seen it coming, should've listened to Samuel's warnings. He thought that Samuel had been jealous and was trying to ruin his relationship with Daniel. Maybe that was true, but if Jihoon had heeded Samuel's opinions, he wouldn't even be this broken in the first place. Funny how he thought he'd be the one to break Daniel's long standing tradition of toying with unsuspecting victims.

 

Samuel had left earlier than him today, saying that he need to catch a place in the front row. The boy was majoring in education to teach in pre-schools, which Jihoon thought was quite the surprising choice for Samuel (that guy hated kids to no end). This morning, while Jihoon was watching Samuel rushing to get ready, he asked the boy about his reasons for choosing that particular major. Samuel only shrugged and said, "It seems fun."

 

"I thought you hated kids."

 

"I don't. I just find them annoying at times," Samuel had replied distractedly, focused on trying to fit everything he has into his bag, panting and grunting in the process. Jihoon couldn't figure out what part of doing that was exhausting, but he didn't ask.

 

"You screamed at a kid in front of his mum at the park once," Jihoon deadpanned.

 

Samuel shrugged again, a small smile forming on his face. "He was being noisy."

 

"He was a kid! That's what toddlers do. If you really can't stand that, then I don't even know why you would want to become a pre-school teacher. You're literally going to torture kids at the kindergarten."

 

"I'm a changed man, Jihoon," Samuel had said calmly. Jihoon only snorted. "I've realized the wrongs I did in the past and I have decided to repent for my mistakes."

 

"You sure sound sincere."

 

"I am."

 

"You have a lot to repent for, then," Jihoon called after Samuel as the latter zoomed out of their dorm room after a quick goodbye. Jihoon's first class of the day was scheduled to be half an hour later than Samuel's and after his friend left, he started to tidy himself up, too.  _First class of my first semester at university_ , Jihoon thought to himself nervously, his heart thumping too fast to be normal in his chest. He'd be alone, without Samuel to lean on. He'd have to find new friends. He didn't like that thought, not even one bit.

 

Jihoon used to be quite the social butterfly and making friends came very easily to him. But after Daniel (bad things always happened after Daniel) threw a wrecking ball through his life and left laughing, Jihoon sort of developed a fear for strangers. He had a feeling that everyone else other than Samuel was out to get him. Like they were all the big bad wolves waiting to blow his house away.

 

He sighed as he walked along the path to his first class (that he hoped desperately was the right one) and felt like he was living someone else's life. He couldn't shake off the weird feeling like he was an imposter walking in a sea of  _real_ students. Maybe he really was a fake. It wasn't as though he was the one who wanted to come to university. His parents made it very clear that they still didn't accept Jihoon for who-- _what_ \-- he was and Jihoon really didn't want to stay in the house that reminded him of what a disappointment he was to them. To the whole family. Even his fucking grandparents were sure that "this is just a phase".

 

Maybe they really meant well, trying to calm down Jihoon's parents themselves so that the boy didn't have to face them angry, but to him, those five words only sounded like pure rejection in his ears.

 

When he looked up, he realized that he had already reached the College of Humanities building. Or, more accurately,  _buildings_. There were plenty of departments listed under this college and Jihoon suddenly felt severely overwhelmed by how tall and  _professional_ the buildings looked. Even the students who were dressed casually hanging outside with their friends looked like they fit right in their surroundings. Jihoon stuck out like a sore thumb.

 

He had never been one to follow the trends, resulting in the walking fashion disaster he was. Unlike most people, he wore things he  _liked_ to wear. Almost everyone else wore certain colors that complemented their skin tone or body shapes but Jihoon wore yellow most of the time because he loved the color. He didn't look bad in yellow, of course (at least, he didn't think he looked as bad as Samuel said he did) but he was terribly  _conspicuous_ in the crowd of the other constantly moving students, most of them dressed from head to toe in black and white or other dull tones.

 

Embarrassed, he looked down to check his outfit once more-- a yellow and red striped oversized shirt with a pair of tight, black jeans. It wasn't really ugly, but it was bordering on weird. Now that he looked at it again, he started to feel more self-conscious than before. Maybe he looked a little too much like one of the characters in the  _Finding Waldo_ picture books.

 

He walked towards the building with a giant sign that read ' _English and Literature'_ with calculated, unnatural steps, eyes fixed on the ground the whole time, trying to avoid meeting other students' eyes.

 

Clearly that was a bad idea, because he bumped into another freshman-looking-type-guy before long.

 

"Hey there," the voice said in a somewhat light tone, "be careful where you're going, you might run into another person."

 

"I'm sorry," Jihoon stuttered, red licking up the sides of his face automatically.

 

"It's alright," the guy replied with a smile. He was handsome, with big doe eyes and a straight-edged nose. His outstanding visual was completed by his bowed, doll-like lips. "The floor must be really interesting, huh?" There was a playful glint shining in his eyes and something like mirth gracing his smile.

 

Jihoon didn't say anything, just continued blushing.

 

"Are you on your way to the English building?"

 

Jihoon nodded, then decided that it was too insufficient so he said, "Yeah. I am."

 

"Let's go together. I'm headed there as well. You're a freshman, right? I think we might be having the same class right now," the guy laughed. "I'm Minki, by the way, but my friends call me Ren. I ask them not to but they won't listen, so if you're a nice person, call me Minki."

 

"Okay," Jihoon said. "I'm Park Jihoon, a freshman majoring in English."

 

"So am I," Minki said, smiling widely. He dragged Jihoon over to the brick and glass building in front of them. 

 

Maybe he didn't have to worry so much about making new friends. One would do. But maybe things were progressing a little too fast. Jihoon felt off balance as he let his new acquaintance lead him to their building, wondering just what was wrong with his life. Things were always moving too fast or too slow. But that could be Jihoon's own problem. He just didn't fit in anywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They sat next to each other as they waited for class to begin, Minki's voice always slightly louder than the general buzz of excitement in the room. Jihoon sat back and listened to Minki talk, not intercepting unless necessary. So when his new friend mentioned an upcoming party, Jihoon strongly interrupted Minki's words, saying that he didn't want to go. Minki stared at him like Jihoon had grown two heads, and the latter shrunk back in his seat immediately.

 

"You don't like parties?"

 

In all honesty, Jihoon had only ever been to one _grown-up_ party, but it was already enough to scar him for life. He shook his head. "I  _hate_ parties."

 

Minki smirked. "That's definitely because you haven't been to the right ones."

 

"The right  _one_ ," Jihoon corrected.

 

"One?" Minki exclaimed, his eyes widening to the size of saucers. "You've only been to one in your whole life?" Jihoon nodded solemnly and Minki leaned forward, staring into the younger boy's eyes. "This is proof that you should come with me this Saturday."

 

"No thanks, Minki. I'm really not used to the environment at places like those. Plus, I hate the smell of smoke."

 

"Don't worry about that. My boyfriend doesn't allow people to smoke in his house either," the blonde replied, rolling his eyes. "Really, Jihoon, what's the use of coming to university if you're not up for experiences--  _opportunities--_ like these? My boyfriend's the one hosting this party, so don't worry. I'll stay right beside you the entire time. I promise."

 

"No, it's really fine..." Jihoon said softly, looking down and playing with his fingers. "I don't want to ruin the fun for you."

 

"You're not going to."

 

Jihoon exhaled deeply just as a woman in a power suit entered the class. "We'll see. No promises that I'm going, though."

 

When he turned around to look at Minki, he saw the latter smiling victoriously already. It was impossible not to smile back.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

Sunday was gone as quickly as it came and Daniel was definitely not in the mood to attend his classes on Monday. Mondays were  _shit_. As expected, Seongwoo had burst into his room uninvited right on time to wake Daniel up, claiming (shouting) that breakfast was ready. And Seongwoo couldn't cook to save his own life, so that would mean that Jisung was over. And if Jisung was here, that would mean that Woojin had tagged along with the older guy as well.

 

Daniel groaned and shifted in his bed. He didn't have a choice now. If it was only Seongwoo, Daniel could negotiate and sleep in for another few minutes or so but if he didn't wake up right away when Jisung was around, he was literally going to get whipped.

 

He got out of the bed and shrugged on a red hoodie, tying a towel around his waist with a pair of clean jeans draped over his right arm. He walked out of the comfort and warmth of his own room and headed towards the kitchen. His stomach was growling and he wasn't too comforted or happy knowing that he wouldn't be able to have his breakfast hot.

 

"Morning," he said in greeting to his friends.

 

Woojin was sitting at their dining table, looking very much comfortable and contented as he stuffed his face with steaming waffles, ignoring Daniel head-on. Seongwoo, on the other hand, gave him a frown and went back to picking at his own serving of waffles. And that was the problem with Seongwoo-- you never knew when or why he got mad at you. Daniel shook his head and continued his walk to the bathroom, deciding to figure out what he did wrong  _after_ he cleaned himself up. Jisung was standing by the window, looking at the sky.

 

 _God, I'm friends with a bunch of weird freaks_.

 

"Good morning, Daniel," the older guy said.

 

"Oh how nice. Someone civil for a change," Daniel said.

 

"Just go shower quickly and come eat."

 

Daniel grumbled something under his breath as he shut the bathroom door behind his figure. He hung up his towel and jeans before removing his hoodie again, arranging it carefully next to his other clothes. Without wasting another second, he turned around to search for his toothbrush groggily. He brushed his teeth and rinsed his mouth thoroughly afterwards.

 

When he looked into the mirror, he shook his head at himself. He was a mess. An asshole.

 

When he turned on the shower, he wondered to himself what Jihoon ever saw in a guy like him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Seongwoo," Daniel called out to his friend loudly from the toilet, his head poking out. "Seongwoo!"

 

" _What_."

 

"Can you get me a clean pair of my boxers?"

 

" _What?_ "

 

"I'm sorry, I forgot to take a pair in with me just now," Daniel apologized. He smiled to himself when he saw Seongwoo grumble but got up to retrieve what Daniel had asked for anyway. Jisung and Woojin weren't in the kitchen anymore-- it probably meant they they were already gone, or were watching tv in the living room. A minute or so later, Seongwoo returned with Daniel's boxers fisted in his hand, his expression dark.

 

Daniel had to move a little more to the left side of the door in order to get it, and that meant exposing more of his body to Seongwoo. He didn't think too much about it-- it wasn't as though the guy had never seen it all before.

 

He had apparently thought wrong again. In the next second, there was something soft being harshly shoved into his face, his nose narrowly avoiding a punch from Seongwoo's balled up fists. "Jesus  _fuck_ Daniel! Put on some clothes or get lost," his friend screeched, storming away right after.

 

"It's nothing you've never seen before," Daniel protested, just barely catching his underwear before it fell to the ground.

 

There wasn't any response. 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

After two classes and the cup of coffee he didn't get on Saturday, Samuel walked back to his room and found Jihoon already back and changed, fresh out of the shower. It filled the room with the smell of his shampoo (apple) and his body wash (milk). Samuel wasn't going to complain-- he loved the smell of a clean Jihoon hovering in the air above them.

 

"How was your day?" he asked Jihoon, hoping that he didn't sound too suspicious. He actually got something for Jihoon, but it wasn't a present, not really. He had a feeling Jihoon wasn't going to like the thought of it, so he had to approach this carefully, making sure that his friend remained in a good mood.

 

"Fine. I met a new friend."

 

"You don't need me anymore?"

 

"Nope."

 

"Asshole," Samuel said lightly, going over to Jihoon after setting his bag down on the floor. He sat down on the older boy's bed and flicked the latter's forehead.

 

Jihoon whined, looking up from his cellphone. He tried to push Samuel off his bed with his feet, but he was still pretty drained from how much energy he spent on his first day so it didn't go as well as expected. "Go away you're dirtying my bed with your ass."

 

"My ass is way cleaner than you'll ever be." Jihoon snorted and rolled his eyes. Samuel leaned in and tried to see what the guy was doing on his phone. "What are you doing? Hold on-- are you watching porn?"

 

"Jesus Christ, Samuel, you need some god in your life," Jihoon said, but he laughed anyway. "I'm-- I mean, I _was--_  texting Daehwi and Jinyoung."

 

"Jinhwi?" Samuel asked distractedly, sensing that something was off with the boy. He didn't seem like he was bothered or sad or angry-- much to Samuel's relief because it meant that Jihoon didn't run into Daniel or any of his friends-- but something about the way Jihoon was so  _blank_  was weird. It seemed like Jihoon was maybe hiding something from him, but that might just be Samuel over-reacting again. He frowned a little at the thought of Jihoon not finding him trustworthy enough to tell the younger boy  _everything_ , but he recovered his smile easily enough. He didn't need unwanted arguments popping up all over the place.

 

Jihoon swallowed and Samuel's keen eyes caught the action. "Yeah, them. I was just telling them about what happened today, nothing much."

 

"I actually bought something for you."

 

Jihoon's eyebrow quirked up in response and if he was a dog, Samuel was a hundred percent sure that Jihoon's tail would be wagging frantically by now. He gulped at the thought of disappointing his friend. He knew that Jihoon wouldn't like whatever he was going to give him soon. "It's nothing much," Samuel put in quickly, in case Jihoon's expectations were set too highly.

 

"Where is it? Quick, I wanna see," Jihoon said, pawing at Samuel's shoulder adorably.

 

"Why do you sound like you're exploiting me?" the younger boy asked suspiciously.

 

"I'm not," Jihoon promised.

 

"Well, you have your exploitative face on."

 

A smile pushed Jihoon's eyes up into crescents and Samuel's heart squeezed at the sight. "I promise I'm not trying to exploit you in any way possible, eventhough I am half-tempted to do so." Samuel's head tipped sideways and Jihoon leaned in immediately, picking up the younger boy's doubts right away. " _Half-tempted!_ Just half-tempted."

 

"You're not going to like it. It's not a present, Jihoon."

 

" _Oh."_

 

"Don't sound so disappointed."

 

"I still want to see it. It's mine, isn't it?"

 

"Fine, fine," Samuel relented, hands going to his bag right away, digging deep into the compartment in front. His fingers grabbed at the things stuffed into it, searching and feeling around the objects, trying to find the  _present_ he wanted to give Jihoon. He found it, and he pulled it out with a flourish, brandishing it in front of Jihoon. "Ta-da!" His face fell when he saw Jihoon's expression. "I knew you wouldn't like it."

 

There was silence for quite a long time, and it filled the air between them with a pregnant pause. Jihoom stared at the thing like it was crawling with diseases. "This isn't going to be a good idea, Samuel. I think we both know that."

 

"It helped me a lot back when my father was a bigger piece of shit than he is right now."

 

Jihoon folded his arms across his chest and glared at his supposed gift. He leaned against his headboard and sighed. "You had  _suicidal thoughts_ right after you finished yours," he said. He saw Samuel flinch. He knew that the younger boy didn't like being reminded of it but he was going to do it at some point. Someone was going to have to remember the gravity of the situation, especially when that cursed book was involved.

 

"I know what you're thinking-- it's not true. This thing is  _not_ cursed."

 

Jihoon shifted uncomfortably in his spot on the bed. "Sam, I'm sure we both don't like being reminded of this but we both recall what kind of trouble it brought to Seob after he finished writing in his."

 

"A coincidence," Samuel argued back weakly. They both know that it wasn't true. If it wasn't for that damned book, Seob would still be fine now. "You'll be okay, Jihoon. I promise. I wouldn't ask you to do anything that would harm you."

 

"But doing this would feel weird."

 

"Why?"

 

Jihoon's voice broke when he answered. "I miss him sometimes."

 

Samuel took in a deep breath and nodded to himself. "I do, too."

 

"I blame myself for what happened."

 

"Anyone would, but it's different for you-- you had nothing to do with it," Samuel said as calmly as he could. Jihoon didn't answer, but he could tell that the older boy wasn't convinced yet. "You know, today in class I was reminded of this when one of my professors asked us how we cope with a burden, something we don't know what to do with. I thought of this." He handed the item to Jihoon. It was a book. A book with twelve pages, to be precise. Every time Samuel caught sight of it, an alarm went off in his brain and his heart started to beat faster than usual, but for some reason he knew he had to do this. He played a part in what happened three years ago as well, but it was time he got over it. They all had to. This was a new page in his life, a new start to it. If they didn't move on from what was in the past, he didn't know how they were going to continue living with that incident tracking their shadows around every turn and corner.

 

"Twelve pages. Like before."

 

Samuel nodded once again. His friend took in a shaky breath and shook his head, flipping through the thin book. The point of the book was to let you write down your eleven most memorable-- it can be in a bad, or a good way-- recollections of someone or something. After you reached the end of the eleventh page, you had to read through everything that you had wrote so far and write your conclusion down in the last page. The conclusion as in, what you were going to do with the memories. Forget them, learn to embrace them, or use them as motivation to start planning a murder.

 

"You have to get over him soon," the younger boy said.

 

"Of course. But maybe not like this."

 

"Just try it. If you still feel weird after one or two pages, then you can stop. But I think you should give it a shot, alright? We'll talk after I get back-- I'm starting to smell my own body odor." He gave Jihoon a tiny, affectionate push and grabbed a clean change of clothes, his towel and then he headed out of their room, making sure to close the door tightly after him.

 

Jihoon set the book down on his bed and stared at it without blinking until his eyes started to water. He didn't know what he was trying to achieve by doing that. He didn't know anything anymore.

 

"You have to help me," he whispered desperately to the book. " _Please_."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He thought that maybe he should start it off with the night he'd like to forget about the most.

 

Not the night Daniel broke up with him. That came in as a close second. That was the night Jihoon's heart broke and never really got pieced back together again. He'd cried countless of times over that, but it was really not much compared to the extent of how much Jihoon had  _felt_  on the night of the party. The night he became broken, possibly forever.

 

The worst fucking party ever.

 

Three years ago, Jihoon let Daniel take him to a party. His boyfriend (at that time) had called it "a small occasion", but that was clearly not the case when Jihoon had arrived at the scene, faced with what seemed like a horde of at least a hundred people squeezed into one house that seemed like it couldn't fit all of them anymore.

 

"Daniel, you know I don't like big crowds," he remembered saying, his nervous tone muffled against Daniel's shirt sleeve. He looked up at the taller guy and frowned, but Daniel only smiled at him like it was nothing (maybe it really meant nothing to him) and shook his head. It was a little patronizing, to be honest. Daniel had looked at Jihoon as though he thought the latter was  _crazy_. No, not crazy. More like Jihoon was a kid who knew nothing.

 

Jihoon hated that because he felt like he was being challenged (he was sixteen, and he was stupid) so he steeled his resolve and shrugged like it was nothing, then strode over to the front door, this time with him  _pulling_ Daniel along.

 

"Didn't know you were this excited," Daniel said, barely putting any effort into stopping Jihoon in his tracks. He cupped the younger boy's cheeks and smiled like Jihoon meant the world to him. "Don't walk too fast, Jihoon, I'm scared I might lose you."

 

That was eighteen year old Daniel. All muscles and height and cheesy pick up lines. Jihoon loved that about him. The pick up lines always worked.

 

Daniel pulled Jihoon into a tight hug, and the younger boy still remembered how it felt like now, eventhough the memory had been tucked safely into the back of his mind up until minutes ago, when he decided that he would go along with Samuel's stupid plan. Daniel had always been tall, and in highschool Jihoon could only barely scrape the base of the guy's neck, and he was always forced to stand on tippy toes just to take in a whiff of Daniel's smell. The older guy smelled good. He always had the scent of peppermint clinging on to him, mixed with a tinge of spice and maybe deodorant. It was the same as any other boy, so maybe Jihoon was just super biased at that time of his life.

 

The older guy was all firm lines and the right kind of  _built_. Daniel was always just right. There was never a flaw in his code-- it was almost as if he had been brought up learning to be perfect.

 

He lifted Jihoon's chin up with a finger and kissed the younger boy's forehead. "Let's go in. Hold my hand."

 

Jihoon didn't need to be told twice. He slipped his hand into the warmth of Daniel's and sighed to himself inwardly, contented with the fact that they were connected to each other in a way. The thought filled him up from head to toe with giddiness. It was amazing how much Daniel affected his own actions back then.

 

The party itself was okay, but what came  _after_ Jihoon and Daniel decided to leave was when it all went wrong.

 

It started when Daniel led Jihoon to the back porch, where it was deserted and no prying eyes were around to spy on what they did. They sat at the back steps, Daniel holding a cup of beer in his hands but not really touching it (Jihoon had set a limit for him, because the guy was supposed to drive them back home  _safely_ that night). Jihoon, on the other hand, was more fidgety than usual. He was practically bouncing even when he was sitting, so it wasn't shocking when his boyfriend turned around to face him with curiosity alight in his eyes.

 

"Spill, Park Jihoon," he chuckled.

 

"There's nothing to  _spill_ ," Jihoon protested, going pink already. The color reached the tips of his ears and Daniel smiled, surprised by how quickly Jihoon turned embarrassed.

 

"Then why are you acting so weird?"

 

"I'm not..." Jihoon said, letting his voice trail off. He rubbed his left cheek, looking a little dubious of himself.

 

"Park Jihoon," Daniel called softly. "Joy and light of my life, Park Jihoon," he tried again, louder this time. "Why are you acting like this? Do you want to go home? Is the situation making you uncomfortable?" He barraged the younger boy with questions, face showing deep concern, seriousness and tension forcing his lips into one thin line. "Are you cold?" he asked again before Jihoon had the chance to answer. He wrapped an arm around Jihoon's waist and brought him closer to his chest. Jihoon remembered feeling Daniel breathing down on his hair.

 

Jihoon shook his head and struggled to break free from Daniel's grasp. "I want to kiss you," he said uncertainly.

 

"You didn't have to act so weird for that," Daniel grinned, and curved his head around slightly, cupping his boyfriend's small face in his warm hands, then leaned in for a sweet, short peck on the lips. "Are you feeling better now?"

 

"Not this kind," Jihoon muttered under his breath.

 

"Hm?"

 

"I said, I didn't want that kind of kiss, stupid." Daniel was maybe taken aback, because his lips were slightly parted. It made kissing him all the more easier (and definitely ten times more tempting). Jihoon closed the distance between them and felt electric buzz on his fingertips from where they met with Daniel's bare skin. It was only their hands touching, but for some reason it had been more different than normal hand holding sans the kiss. Daniel's lips were soft-- they always were. He knew that the guy liked applying on lipbalm, and Jihoon loved teasing him about it. But at that moment, Jihoon couldn't think about anything else other than how warm it was, and how safe it made him feel. His insides were all melting, turning into puddles of goo. And maybe his body was overheating a little, too.

 

 _Kang Daniel, you crazy son of a bitch_.

 

Daniel's mouth moved on its own accord, and immediately Jihoon could tell it wasn't the first time the older guy had done something like this. He slipped his tongue slightly past Jihoon's lips, and while the latter was shocked, he credited himself on being able to contain his surprise. He didn't move, only let Daniel take the lead because he seemed like a pro.

 

And he couldn't believe how good Daniel made him feel just from kissing him.

 

 _And he fucking loved that about Daniel_.

 

Jihoon thought that maybe his eyes were starting to water. He didn't know why. He shouldn't be crying-- he was supposed to be smiling and laughing, because he was happy. He was so happy, he felt like maybe his chest was exploding from all the emotions that have been kept in him for too long.

 

He had to pull back at some point, but not because he was running out of breath, though he was panting lightly when they parted.

 

Daniel's pupils were dilated, his lips red from all the kissing. His eyes were wide, like he couldn't believe what they just did. "Why'd you stop?" he suddenly asked.

 

"My neck hurts," Jihoon whined. He was sitting a step lower than Daniel, planted right in front of the older boy. He had to turn around and lift his head when they kissed and he was already feeling a strain blooming at the back of his neck.

 

The older guy grinned, showing his teeth. That usually meant that he was really ecstatic. "You shortie," he called affectionately. "Come here." He laid both his hands on Jihoon's waist and lifted the boy up into his lap easily. "Turn to face me," he said as gently as he could. "Carefully."

 

Soon, Jihoon was seated firmly on Daniel's lap, legs wrapped around the other guy's waist. "Your legs are going to go numb," he warned Daniel. "I know I'm not light."

 

"But it'll be worth it, right?" Daniel asked, his voice like the drizzling of rain pattering against a glass window lightly. It was relaxing and calming, and the warmth radiating off Daniel's body only made Jihoon want to snuggle closer to him than ever. He wanted their bodies pressed against each other tightly, leaving no space for breathing at all.

 

When their lips met again, it was chaos and it was a mess. In no time, long fingers were attaching and entangling themselves in Jihoon's hair, pulling the boy closer to Daniel. Jihoon's hands slid under Daniel's t-shirt, wanting to feel more of the boy. He liked all things warm, and Daniel was a like fucking fireplace in the midst of the coldest winter Jihoon could summon from the depths of his memories. All he wanted to do was to cling on to the guy like the world was coming to an end and this was the only time they'd get to spend with each other undisturbed.

 

Daniel's heart was beating like it was going to leap out at any moment, and Jihoon's own one was hammering so loudly, he was almost sure that Daniel could hear it too. There was another sound near his ears, it sounded like beating wings. Like blood rushing, pounding to the rhythm of the unheard music their tongues were dancing along to. It was weird, perplexing. Kisses in the movies never meant anything to Jihoon, they didn't  _look_ sincere. They didn't look nice either, all tongues and lips and hot breaths intermingling. But experiencing it first hand was something he'd never thought he would like. But Jihoon  _did_ like it. His hands traveled up Daniel's skin, feeling around every soft curve of the older boy's body. He wished that his fingers would memorize the way it felt. Like magic, like there was something simmering beneath  _everything_ , just waiting to be released. In that moment, he knew-- and it came to him like an ice cold realization-- that he would remember this for the rest of his life.

 

Daniel felt like magic, and Jihoon thought that maybe he was reading from a child's fairy-tale book. Because Kang Daniel was magic, and people as magical as he was only existed in stories.

 

At that very moment, Daniel's lips left his, and the latter leaned forward for more, almost toppling the both of them over. He yearned for the feeling of Daniel's tongue in his mouth again, he craved the intimacy shared between the two of them just seconds ago.

 

"Jihoon, we need to stop," Daniel panted.

 

" _Why?"_ Jihoon demanded, eyes searching for an answer, his thoughts sent into overdrive. He was overthinking things again, and he knew that Daniel noticed, too, because the older boy's hands moved to his cheeks again, holding his head in place as he stared into Jihoon's eyes.

 

"I don't want to go too far. I don't think I'd be able to stop."

 

Jihoon knew what he meant, and he knew how much sense Daniel made.

 

"Maybe I don't want you to stop," Jihoon said firmly, though there was another meaning quivering in fear behind those bold words. He wasn't ready and he knew it too. He just didn't want to let go of Daniel that quickly.

 

"Not until you're grown up," Daniel chided lightly, all soft smiles, looking very disheveled and out of breath.

 

"Why do you always do that?"

 

"Do what?" Daniel asked, head tipping to one side, biting his bottom lip carefully like he was trying to figure Jihoon out.

 

"Remind me that I'm young."

 

"That's because you are," Daniel said, securing his arms around Jihoon's waist and pulling him close. "My very own pocket-sized Jihoon. I want to keep you like this forever. I want you like this. I want  _you_."

 

Cheesy pick up lines. They always worked.

 

"You want me?"

 

"Of course. You're a star." He tweaked Jihoon's nose. "The brightest one. You light up my entire universe." A smile broke out on Jihoon's face and influenced Daniel to do the same. "There we go," he said, encouraging Jihoon to smile more. He didn't want to ever see Jihoon lose that smile of his. Maybe he was selfish, but it was true-- he wanted Jihoon to keep smiling until the end of their lives, because it was like the only source of light in Daniel's dark world. "What am I going to do, Park Jihoon?" he suddenly asked, his tone quiet like he wanted that question to be kept a secret between the both of them. He tucked a loose strand of Jihoon's hair behind the latter's ear but it bounced out of place again.

 

"Why?" Jihoon had asked.

 

"I don't think I can bear parting with you."

 

At the mention of that, Jihoon's brows furrowed immediately. "Parting? Why would we--"

 

"I'm graduating soon, Jihoon. Things are going to be rough between us. It's going to be a long road, and a painful one. Of course I want to keep being with you, but I don't want you to be hurt in any way because of me. I need to know that you're willing to stay with me as much I want this."

 

"Of course." Jihoon's reply came quick. "Daniel, I want to be with you forever. Don't leave me. Ever."

 

"I won't," Daniel promised.

 

 _Hah._   _Some promise it was_.

 

Daniel never upheld his part of the promise, and a mere two months after the party, he had the balls to act as though he wasn't the one who mentioned it first.

 

Out of the blue, Daniel sighed and pushed his fingers through Jihoon's hair, parting it in the center. "Let's go home. It's getting late and I don't want your parents being suspicious of us." Jihoon pouted, waiting for his sulk to fully charge up. "Jihoon, I don't want you getting in trouble."

 

"We smell like beer and smoke-- I'm already in trouble. We might as well make the most of it."

 

"Right, and get you grounded for the rest of the year. Nope, I'm not letting that happen." The younger boy's bottom lip jutted out significantly, but he relented and stood up from Daniel's lap anyway, although his actions were weighted down heavily with reluctance.

 

Daniel walked him through the house again, making sure that the younger boy wouldn't get squeezed to death between all the bodies that were pressing up against one another. Jihoon remembered seeing Seob somewhere in there, and he recalled the fact that his friend was yelling at someone. The identity of that blurred out guy from Jihoon's memory was never cleared up, but Jihoon harbored a strong suspicion that it was Woojin, Seob's boyfriend at that time. They made their way out eventually, and as Jihoon was getting into the car, he saw Seob rushing over.

 

The boy was drunk, but still determined to continue moving in an urgent way Jihoon couldn't comprehend.

 

"Jihoon," Seob called loudly. "Can you help me?"

 

Before Jihoon could answer, Daniel did it for him. "Sorry, but I have to get Jihoon home now. It's way past his curfew already." He pulled Jihoon into the passenger seat and gestured for the younger boy to secure his seatbelt in place. "Close the door," Daniel told him. It felt cold and distant, the way he'd said it. But Jihoon knew that it wasn't directed at him, but at Seob.  _Why?_

 

"I'm sorry, Seob. Can this wait?" Recounting that sentence, hearing-- and even  _seeing_ \-- it being played out from his lips again, it made Jihoon sick in the stomach. It was as though someone had stuck a knife in his guts and twisted it in him.

 

"Jihoon--" Seob started to say, but he was inevitably cut off. Jihoon watched the way the hope fell from Seob's face when Daniel started up the engine as quick as he could and started to drive away from the party.

 

He drove away from Seob, and Jihoon went along with it. He never questioned Daniel about why he seemed so  _cold_ and mad at Seob that night. No one brought it up. It was as if Seob hadn't been anyone important enough to be talked about, eventhough he had been occupying everyone's mind since that night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon stopped there. He didn't describe the whole happening in full details, of course. He'd simplified it instead:  _We went to a party and he kissed me. No, I was the one who kissed him first. Then he promised me something he never lived up to and I walked away from Seob. I should've helped him. I should've stopped Daniel. I didn't. I was a bystander. It's partly my fault, too._

A tear rolled down his cheek and landed on the page, wetting a small spot on it.

 

None of this would have happened if he didn't meet Daniel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol sorry believe me the fluff starts soon  
> this chapter is really too long so imma split it into two (believe it or not, it was longer than this)  
> i know it's turning out quite boring, but bear with me for a moment here.
> 
> this is when my rushed-ness comes in. haha i know i don't stick to one writing style don't kill me pls. feel free to skim through the front part of this chapter bc things only start to get important at the scene with SAMUEL AND JIHOON


	4. Cat and mouse

The first week of the semester flew by and soon, it was already nearing the end of the week. It had been  _days_ since Daniel last hooked up with someone and it was getting on his nerves, the itch of spending the night with some stranger creeping up his skin again. Normally, he wouldn't get by without having sex with someone--  _anyone--_ for little more than a few weeks, but it had hardly been a week and he was already this thirsty-- and it was all thanks to Park Jihoon coming back to haunt him again. That boy was all he could think about these past few days, and it was starting to wear off the last of his remaining bits of sanity and patience.

 

Jihoon was his weakness. Daniel hated weakness. Despised it. He wanted to tear out the piece of him that still couldn't let go of Jihoon then stamp it dead into the ground in a fit of rage. Unfortunately for him, every single cell in him  _knew_ and remembered the younger boy. It was like some kind of strange smell Daniel couldn't scrub off himself no matter how much he tried.

 

It was weird because Daniel was almost a hundred and one percent sure he was over Jihoon. No, not over. He didn't even have to get over Jihoon. They weren't even in a committed relationship anyway. Maybe it seemed that way to Jihoon, but for Daniel, it'd been a hoax-- a  _lie_ \-- since the very first time Daniel made his approach to the younger guy. Why had he done it? Because Jihoon was, as far as Daniel had known back in his high school days, the only person in his entire year who didn't publicly shower Daniel with attention and love whenever the older guy was around, and it had definitely piqued the interest of conceited teenager Kang Daniel. No one knew the pile of shit it would land not just the two of them, but multiple other innocents as well, into.

 

The trouble started once again on Friday, when Jisung had called him early in the morning, sounding panicked and sorry and little bit vexed.

 

" _Daniel?_ " Jisung said into the phone, sounding out of breath. 

 

"Yeah?" Daniel answered back groggily. It was eleven in the morning and he wasn't supposed to wake up until the clock next to his bed was showing twelve noon (and it was late by fifteen minutes) so he still couldn't find it in himself to wake up fully yet. He clutched his phone tightly in one hand, a fistful of his sheets in the other as his befuddled brain tried to catch up with all that was happening around him. Not much, but Daniel's brain was on full shut-down mode until a few minutes ago and he was still finding himself lost and disorientated when he woke up sometimes.

 

" _We can't go tomorrow night_.  _Woojin's acting up again._ "

 

It took Daniel-- who was as confused and slow as ever-- a long time trying to figure out what was going on tomorrow night.  _It's the party, you dumb ass shat._ After he figured out the first part of the message, he moved on to the second sentence.

 

 _Woojin's acting up again_.

 

Daniel sat up straighter, the muscles in his arms tensing, his eyes wide open like someone had poured a bucket of ice water over his head.

 

"Wait, what?"

 

" _Yeah, it's getting really bad. I don't think he should be going anywhere for the next few days, so that means he'll be missing his classes today,"_ Jisung replied. Daniel could hear the disappointment that weighted down on Jisung's words but he could tell that they had no other choice and this was their last resort. To stop Woojin from meeting anyone he didn't know.

 

"Is he okay?"

 

" _Truthfully? No. But don't tell him we said that. He's actually acting kind of normal but you can tell that's a lie. He keeps on telling me to--"_

 

Daniel's ears strained to hear someone yelling at Jisung in the background. "Why so suddenly? He was okay the last time I saw him."  _And that was last night_ , Daniel wanted to add, but opted to keep his mouth shut. He was freaking out, tearing his hair out inside knowing that he'd have to go to that stupid party with Seongwoo-- and only Seongwoo-- tomorrow night. He didn't know what he did to piss Seongwoo off so much, but the latter was still ignoring Daniel unless there was something super important that had to be said. Other than that, Seongwoo just pretty much walked away whenever Daniel tried to strike a conversation with his (ex?) best friend.

 

The fact that Woojin was being unstable again was way more important and worrying, of course, but Daniel couldn't help but immediately let him thoughts flit over to the party tomorrow night.

 

" _It's coming up_ ," Jisung replied after a moment of silence.

 

"Coming up? What's coming up?"

 

Jisung took in a deep, drawn out breath and Daniel could almost see the older guy roll his eyes. " _Their anniversary._ His _anniversary. Woojin's going crazy because of it and he won't stop trying to push me out of the apartment. God knows what he's planning_."

 

Daniel hummed and got out of his bed, feeling his heart settling down heavily in his chest, almost like it was empty but filled with only rocks and more rocks.

 

" _Look, I know you're not happy with us leaving you with Seongwoo to deal with tomorrow, but I'm sure you understand why we can't go, right?"_ Jisung asked. There might have been a trace of nervousness entwined with his words but Daniel chose to ignore it. " _Daniel_ _?"_

 

"Yeah, I understand. Take care of Woojin."

 

" _Is something wrong, Daniel?"_ Jisung's voice had hardened, lowered, like he could sense Daniel's harbored concerns as if they were directly connected to each other.

 

"I don't know," Daniel admitted with a frustrated sigh. "You have a lot on your plate right now. I'll tell you some other time, okay?" He walked around his room, gathering his dirty laundry up from last night and dumping them into the hamper that stood by the door. With Seongwoo being angry at him for no apparent reason these past few days, his room was getting really messy because his best friend hadn't been coming in to clean it up in case he ran into Daniel. 

 

 _Seongwoo_. Just the thought of him made Daniel angry, flipping on a switch in his brain.  _Why, Seongwoo? What did I do wrong this time?_

 

But more than the irritation he felt towards Seongwoo, he recognized the anxiousness that crept up his skin. Up his back, onto his shoulder. It sat there like a heavy burden, and Daniel felt himself starting to panic. He felt like crying, but he didn't. He wasn't the type to show everyone-- or whoever was watching, anyway-- what he was feeling on the inside, whether it was pure, unrestrained joy or an uncontrolled flow of anguish that spread everywhere like wildfire. Emotions like flood in a paper cup. Sentiments enough to bring tears burgeoning in anyone's eyes.

 

Daniel never cracked. Well, he hadn't broke down in years, because when you were meant to be born perfect but came out incomplete, you had to make up for it with effort. That was what Daniel was taught since his childhood days.

 

Sometimes, though, Daniel had a mad desire that ran though the entirety of him, urging him to climb a cliff on the wrong side and yell his voice hoarse. Maybe the people who showed the least felt the most after all.

 

 _Seongwoo_ , the same voice whispered into his ears. Daniel clutched his phone tightly to prevent it from falling down.  _Seongwoo, am I not good enough?_

 

It sounded like a kid's voice. Daniel never grew up from the scared little boy he'd been when he was six, not really. It was what happened to people who grew up under the pressure of being perfect-- you just get stuck there. You wouldn't grow, because you were never given the chance to explore life yourself. You lived life by the rules permanently, pacing the area you were restricted to back and forth, back and forth.

 

All of a sudden, a wave of exhaustion washed through his body. Looking into the mirror across from him, Daniel saw his worn edges, his flaws, showing through the cracks of his complete mask for the first time in a long while.

 

_Who are you?_

 

" _Daniel, are you okay?_ _"_ Jisung's distressed voice rang in his ears, bringing him back from his train of thoughts.

 

"Yeah." Daniel cleared his throat and tried again. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just. I'm wondering how to tell Seongwoo that you guys aren't coming. He's been avoiding me these days."

 

" _Don't worry about that. I already told him earlier."_

 

"Okay."

 

" _Okay_ _?"_

 

Daniel nodded, then hummed reassuringly after realizing that Jisung couldn't see him.

 

" _Good. I have to go now. Text me if anything comes up, okay?"_

 

"I will," Daniel promised.

 

" _Bye!_ " Jisung ended the call with that, leaving Daniel feeling alone in his room suddenly.  _God, why am I feeling so much today?_ He looked over his shoulder and saw the welcoming sight of his unmade bed, and was half-tempted to bury himself under the covers again, but thought against it right away.

 

The moment he set his phone down on the study table to go out for a moment, it buzzed, the screen lighting up to display the new text that had been sent to him from Dongho.  _Bro, r u coming_ _?_

 

Daniel typed in his answer. A one-worded reply. His thumb hovered over the send button for a few seconds before he pressed down on it. Needless to say, it was a  _yes_. After such a bad, emotional morning, it might do himself some good to let party guy Daniel take over his life again.

 

Sometimes the best ideas you thought you had up your sleeves were in fact the worst.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

For Jihoon, the trouble started on Friday as well. He was accompanying Minki to his boyfriend's classes at the Department of Law when he caught sight of the most handsome guy he'd seen since the semester started. Jihoon was struck by how gorgeous he was, standing tall and well-proportioned on his feet, a pair of round-rimmed glasses perched on his straight-edged nose. His eyes were wide, like a doe's, his mouth in the most delicious shade of pinkish-red and definitely shaped for kissing.  _Kissing_. Jihoon shook his head violently, a flaming red settling over his cheeks and the tips of his ears.  _You haven't even talked to this guy and you're already thinking about kissing him_ , he chided himself.

 

As they neared the attractive guy-- Jihoon was merely following Minki's steps and he had absolutely no idea as to why they were heading straight towards Mr. Attractive-- Jihoon felt his heart thump faster, practically racing. Upon closer inspection, Jihoon realized that he was  _even more charming_ than he had been when Jihoon spotted him from afar. But he had a light glint playing in his eyes that Jihoon couldn't place.

 

As it turned out, the guy standing next to the tall guy was Minki's boyfriend, who introduced himself smilingly as Dongho.

 

To be honest, Dongho looked liked a fuckboy, but Jihoon couldn't care less-- he couldn't tear his eyes off the other stranger.

 

"Ah, Guanlin, it looks like you just hooked another innocent accidentally," Dongho said cheekily, having seen Jihoon's longing gazes that were directed in his friend's way. "Poor guy, he has no idea what he just got himself into."

 

A wide grin spread itself over Guanlin's mouth, showing off his gummy smile. "What are you talking about, hyung? I'm not that bad."

 

"Not that bad indeed," Dongho said, patting the taller guy's shoulder. He had to reach up to do it, and Minki laughed at how much his boyfriend struggled. "But you're learning from me very quickly, and that's not good for anyone who just might fall for you."

 

Guanlin laughed lightly, and Jihoon felt his heart being torn from his chest, the organ running towards Guanlin (a very true yet disturbing thought).

 

"Guys, this is my best friend Jihoon. Park Jihoon. A fellow English major," Minki spoke up for him, probably because Jihoon couldn't open his mouth to make a single sound at all. He then turned to Jihoon and smirked. "You'll find talking with Guanlin enjoyable then-- he came from Taiwan and he still finds speaking in Korean difficult sometimes. You can teach him Korean in your free time."

 

"That sounds fun," Guanlin added enthusiastically, smiling like there were different intentions beneath his words.

 

"Yeah," Jihoon managed to utter and not embarrass himself completely.

 

Minki and Dongho burst into laughter at the same time.

 

"Alright, let's go," Minki announced loudly.

 

"Where?" Jihoon asked.

 

"We're going to eat, idiot," Minki said with a roll of his eyes. "You didn't know?" Jihoon shook his head, biting down his dry lips worryingly. "And you still followed me! I can't believe this guy," he exclaimed.

 

Jihoon smiled nervously, and wondered for just a moment if he should go eat with his new friends (and abandon his  _real_ friend Samuel). He decided against it quickly enough, and congratulated himself in his mind for not giving in to the temptation.

 

"I-I can't." Three heads turned to look at him at once, and Jihoon felt himself blushing from all the attention focused on him. "Sorry, I'm supposed to eat with another friend. I'll catch up with you guys next time, I promise."

 

"A boyfriend?" Guanlin dropped in casually enough.

 

"No, just--" Jihoon took in a deep breath, suddenly reminded of Samuel's one-sided feelings towards him. "Just a friend."

 

Guanlin hummed to himself, nodding as if satisfied with Jihoon's answer. The latter felt his heart take a little leap of joy at that.

 

"Before you go though, tell us you're coming to the party tomorrow," Minki said, closing his fingers around Jihoon's wrist before the latter could slither away. When Jihoon didn't reply for quite some time, Minki raised an eyebrow and cocked his head to the right. "Really, Jihoon you should come. Dongho isn't that scary, is he? He'll be there at the party so you'll have friends to talk to, don't worry."

 

"I don't know," Jihoon mumbled. "I don't feel good about leaving my friend behind." He had purposely said that to see if they would ask him to bring Samuel along  _because he really didn't want to be surrounded by a bunch of strangers._ They didn't.

 

"He'll be okay for just one night," the blonded insisted.

 

"I'll be going," Guanlin voiced.

 

"Yeah, see? You have friends."

 

 _Samuel won't let me go_ , Jihoon wanted to say. But the thought of being with Guanlin was too good to be true, and honestly, when will an opportunity like this ever arise again? He balled up his fists and smiled. "Okay." He was going to have to lie to Samuel.  _Shit_. The prospect itself was scary enough to mull over when he was in right mind later.

 

" _Great!_ _"_ Minki practically yelled. Dongho only smiled and put his teeth on display, watching his boyfriend happily. Guanlin, on the other hand, had an expression that was hard to scrutinize, but he did send a small wink flying in Jihoon's direction, but that could have easily been a trick of the light. Jihoon cursed to himself and looked down, not wanting to let anyone see how furiously he was blushing. "I'll send you the address later. Do you have a transport?"

 

"I'll figure it out myself. See you guys tomorrow, then," Jihoon said as a goodbye, walking away in the direction of his dorm as fast as possible.

 

He had to remind himself that a party most definitely  _did not_ translate into being on a date with Guanlin, but he let himself play with the thought of hanging out with the tall guy tomorrow. He thought about it late into the night, even after Samuel had switched off the lights to turn in earlier than usual, clearly tired out by the fast pace of the first week in university.

 

It wasn't until past one in the morning when Jihoon realized that Samuel had barely spoken a word to him since he'd come back.

 

He turned over in his bed and stared at his best friend.

 

His back was facing Jihoon. Suddenly, Jihoon wasn't so over the moon anymore.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

Frat parties: Free endless drinks everywhere. Sometimes they would be on the floor or when you first stepped out the car there were normally beer bottles strewn about on the lawn. As Daniel got out of his own convertible, he waited till Seongwoo was out as well before he locked the car. It was meant to be a frat party, but as Dongho's frat was literally created for the wildest of the wild people, word of the parties held by them normally spread like wildfire and before long, you'd find yourself standing in the lawn of the frat house, more often than not surprised by the amount of people who showed up.

 

They didn't waste any time before going in through the already half-opened front door, music set at the highest level possible thumping, thrumming in the air. It was so loud, Daniel's skin tingled, his lungs turning into mush. Excitement crawled over his skin and before he knew it, party Daniel had fully taken over. This was his scene. This was what he was most familiar with.

 

The moment he stepped into the house, he heard someone shout his name from afar and he smiled to himself.

 

The music was loud. Eardrum-shattering loud. He liked the song. He liked this-- being distracted by something he knew inside and out. He didn't need to waste any time trying to decipher how this worked. He didn't need to spend countless of nights beforehand trying to plan out how he was going to act at the party. While he had been less than enthusiastic about coming here just mere hours ago, all of that negativity had melted away, leaving only pure elation buzzing through his entire body.

 

"Ay, Daniel!" boomed the only voice that mattered here tonight. His eyes found Dongho's and he leaned in for a brief, tight hug. "You came," he said with a fatherly smile.

 

"I told you I was going to come," Daniel said, but got side-tracked halfway through his sentence because Seongwoo walked past him to venture deeper into the house, muttering something about getting drunk.

 

"Yeah, but I wasn't sure. You've been quiet lately."

 

"Tired."

 

"You didn't have to come if that's the case--"

 

"Hyung," someone called out in a voice that Daniel-- unfortunately-- found familiar. He looked at the approaching figure behind Dongho. Guanlin was still as tall as ever, wearing that same smirk on his lips Daniel wanted so much to slap off. "Good evening." The tallest one among the three of them then proceeded to eye Daniel up and down, as if checking to see if Daniel was dressed appropriately.

 

Daniel forced a light smile. "Guanlin," he said in acknowledgement through gritted teeth. "Long time no see."

 

Guanlin said nothing, only smiled brightly in response before moving away to strike up a conversation with a pretty girl standing by the window.

 

"You guys are still on bad terms?" Dongho sighed.

 

"No. We're just on  _not-talking_ terms." Daniel could sense where this talk was heading, so he flashed a quick smile at Dongho to hopefully brush it off completely. "I'm going to get some drinks. Where are they?"

 

Dongho stared at him with a disappointed expression like he was expecting more from Daniel. "Kitchen. Don't get too drunk," he said, then ended their conversation.

 

As Daniel made his way towards the back of the house, the sea of people dancing body-to-body completely out of rhythm parted just to let Daniel walk past, each of them gawking at him like they'd never seen him before. Like he was a living legend. A few people tried to make advances on him, but Daniel evaded their lingering touches expertly, keeping his eyes on the path ahead of him, all the while keeping a small smirk playing on his lips. He knew it drove people crazy just seeing him in a button up shirt that wasn't quite buttoned-up and mussed up hair like he'd just fucked someone. Or the other way round. I didn't matter-- it made him look mouth-watering to these people and that was all that mattered.

 

Minki, Dongho's boyfriend, was in the kitchen just coming in from the back porch when Daniel walked into the small, cramped space. They nodded to each other in greeting and exchanged nothing else. They weren't really close.

 

Daniel reached into one of the ice boxes and pulled out a can of beer and popped it open immediately, holding it up to his lips to take a sip from. It burnt the back of his throat but as soon as his brain registered how familiar the taste was to him, it became relaxing easily enough. The back door was still left ajar from when Minki had come in just now, so Daniel walked over to close it fully after placing his half-downed beer can on the counter top.

 

However, miraculously, he managed to hear someone talking outside over the music still playing on full blast from the living room. He pulled it open even further, and saw the last person he wanted to meet at that moment.

 

_Park Jihoon, what are you doing here?_

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 _Kang Daniel, what are you doing here?_ Jihoon wanted to scream.

 

"Oh," he heard Daniel mutter softly to himself, looking like he'd much rather run into the door five times than stay here in the stifling silence, waiting for just someone to  _speak up_. "It's you."

 

"Yeah. Me," Jihoon suddenly heard himself saying.

 

Daniel hovered by the door, looking like he didn't know what to do. He probably didn't. Jihoon had absolutely no clue as well. How do you pick up from a conversation when the last time you spoke to your ex was at a cafe, where you almost yelled at him in front of an audience? "I didn't know you drink," Daniel said, surprise coloring his expression. His eyes shifted over to the cup Jihoon held in his hand, then looked down at the floor with guilt, like he'd just said something he shouldn't have. He toed the front of his right boot on the ground, just to have something to do.

 

"I dont," was Jihoon's simple reply.

 

"I didn't know you were the party type."

 

"And I'm not."

 

Silence settled over the both of them, and Jihoon caught himself staring at Daniel with so much intensity, he'd probably feel holes burning into his face if he was in Daniel's shoes.

 

"You haven't changed," Daniel said softly, like it was a secret he didn't want anyone else to know but the two of them. Like he wanted to keep their past a secret. It was nothing surprising. For someone like Daniel to be caught up in a web of rumors that he'd actually  _dated_ seriously with someone before, it would be scandalous. Well, not really, but Daniel seemed to think that having a relationship  was the worst thing that could possibly happen to someone. So Jihoon resorted to anger.

 

Because anger was the easiest emotion to turn to when you wanted to blame someone.

 

"Don't act like you know me," Jihoon quipped sharply.

 

Daniel smiled, and nodded to himself. Jihoon's brows furrowed deeply as he tried to comprehend the reason why Daniel could smile in a situation as awkward as this.

 

"Thank god. I thought you were just going to forgive me then."

 

"I don't have anything to forgive you for."

 

Daniel raised an eyebrow.

 

"It was nothing. You said it yourself."

 

The older guy closed the door behind him and took in a deep breath, willing himself to stay calm. Jihoon leaned against the wall and looked away, turning his eyes towards the star-covered sky. A blanket of the deepest blue dotted with the brightest, twinkling lights out there. Jihoon couldn't spot the moon. He didn't try to. He just didn't want to look at Daniel and feel something-- he didn't know what, exactly-- move in his chest. Something close to what he felt back then whenever his eyes landed on Daniel. He didn't like the way it felt, the emotions it stirred up in him.

 

"But I hurt you," Daniel said.  _Why is he saying this? What does he want?_

 

"I know."

 

"And how is that okay?"

 

"What the fuck do you want from me, Kang Daniel?" Jihoon asked finally, unable to hold it in anymore. It came out desperate sounding, because that was how Jihoon felt exactly. He wanted answers. Because when Daniel left him, he made sure to leave him so broken and stupid, he knew nothing. Because for months, Jihoon was sure the only thing he'd known thorough and thorough was Daniel. And after they broke it off, Jihoon was lost. There were so many things happening in his life, he need time to slow down for him. But the clock continued ticking, and it was like he was stuck walking in slow-motion while everyone around him walked on with ignorance, oblivious to whatever was happening to Jihoon. No, not oblivious. Like they didn't care. "What do you really want to get from telling me all these?"

 

Daniel froze in his spot, his mouth tensing up. "I really don't know what I'm searching for."

 

Jihoon wanted to scream. He wanted to thrash at Daniel, beat at his chest and cry out everything stored in him.

 

"Why are you here? Start from there, then."

 

"I want answers."

 

"Funny," Jihoon scoffed, rolling his eyes and then looking down. "So do I."

 

Daniel licked his lips anxiously. "You can start first. Ask me anything you want. I'll answer you as...  _honestly_ as I allow myself to."

 

The younger guy narrowed his eyes at Daniel. "If I remember correctly, you've never been a really honest guy." Daniel shrugged, and leaned against the wall as well, standing right next to the door because he wanted to stay as far away as possible from Jihoon. "Have you ever liked me?"

 

There were a few beats of nothing but the distant chirping of insects before Daniel answered. "No."

 

"Then why did you wait all those months before asking me for what you wanted from the start?" Technically, it was Daniel's turn to ask a question but Jihoon couldn't wait anymore. Daniel was the one with the answers, Jihoon the one with the questions. He didn't want to suffer another minute of being kept from, well, everything he was being blocked from.

 

"Jihoon, I don't have the answers to a lot of things."

 

"You're lying."

 

"I'm not. I really--"

 

The door was opened gingerly, and Jihoon could pick out a familiar shadow of a certain giant.  _Guanlin_.

 

Daniel was already moving to shove the guy back into the kitchen, but Guanlin easily evaded that and in a second, he was standing in the back porch with them, eyes fixed directly on Jihoon. The latter felt his heart beat faster, the blood rising to his ears already.

 

"Guanlin, get out."

 

"I'm not here for you, hyung. I'm here to talk to Jihoon."

 

 

 

 

 

A few moments later, Guanlin manged to push Daniel back into the house, leaving just the two of them alone.  _Guanlin,_ he whispered to himself in his mind _, and me._

 

"I'm sorry. I was preoccupied."

 

"Throughout the entire night?" Jihoon asked curtly.

 

"Well,  _almost_ half the night. Sorry, I was caught up with my friends. We were talking and got a little bit carried away..." Jihoon stared at the taller guy in disbelief. He knew that Daniel was a liar, but Guanlin too? Were all fuckboys born with the trait of being bad liars?

 

The younger boy looked away, setting down his drink on the random table that seemed to have been placed in the corner of the porch for no apparent reason at all. "Oh yeah. I saw you and your friend on the stairs. She's pretty. So why are you here?" he commented on the girl casually, hoping to have come off as breezy. Like he didn't care about the fact that Guanlin had been making out with some girl at the party. Like he did it, too. Normal behavior for most party-goers.

 

"I think you're prettier."

 

Jihoon snorted. He frowned to himself, because what Guanlin had just said reminded Jihoon too much of his ex. "I'm going home," he announced.

 

"Why so suddenly?" Guanlin asked with shocking intensity, seriousness showing on his face. "Is it because you saw us? _"_ Jihoon knew right away that Guanlin meant the girl from earlier. He shook his head. "Then why?" the taller guy pressed on, licking his bottom lip like he was nervous while he awaited Jihoon's answer. The latter saw him fiddling with his fingers.

 

"Parties... they aren't really my thing. I don't belong to these scenes. I kind of have a bad history with them?"

 

"Got too drunk?"

 

Jihoon shook his head. His eyes immediately traveled over to the steps leading to the backyard from the raised porch. He saw a younger version of himself sitting there, kissing that fuckface he couldn't wait to kill. In his mind. Jihoon wasn't one to resort to murder even if he was angry.

 

"I'll stay here with you if you want," Guanlin said, moving closer to Jihoon. And they were. Close. To each other. Probably close enough for Guanlin to hear Jihoon's heart trying to jump out from his mouth.  _Way too near_ , Jihoon's instincts screeched. "You don't have to go back in. Parties aren't really my thing either. I'd much rather be with you here, away from all the commotion."

 

"You're drunk," was the first thing Jihoon thought to say, completely breaking off the flow of their conversation.  _Good_ , he told himself. But he couldn't help being disappointed when Guanlin inched back slightly, like he didn't expect Jihoon to say that. Jihoon refused to meet the taller guy's heavy gaze. "I really should get home, I didn't expect to be here for so long. Samuel's probably really worried right now."

 

A lie. Jihoon hadn't received not one call or text from his best friend since he arrived here.

 

"I'll drive you home," Guanlin said after a moment or two. "Let's go." Reluctantly, he peeled himself away from Jihoon's body and he walked them both over to the door, holding it open so that the younger boy could go in first.

 

"You're  _drunk_ , you can't drive. Not now."

 

Guanlin laughed and ruffled Jihoon's hair affectionately, causing the smaller boy to shrink back a little. "You're so innocent. Alright, I still want to see you back to your dorms safely though. I'll walk you back, can I do that at the very least?"

 

Jihoon hesitated, toying with the hem of his shirt before he nodded slightly. "Okay."

 

The taller guy beamed and slipped Jihoon's hand into his, leading the latter through the crowd of constantly pushing and pulling people. Jihoon looked around, and tried hard to disguise what he was really looking for.  _Where are you where are you where are you_. It was getting annoying, and he was repeating it so fast in his head, the words were blurring together and giving him a headache.

 

 _Whereareyouwhereareyouwhereareyou_.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 _I'm here_.

 

Daniel saw Jihoon looking around, and it was obvious he wasn't looking for Daniel, but he'd hoped for that to happen either way. He just needed to know that Jihoon didn't forget him completely, and even if it meant being insulted by Park Jihoon for the rest of his life, he still wanted to stay in the younger boy's head. Torturous for Jihoon, yes, but that was half of what Daniel intended to do anyway-- torture and haunt and break Jihoon. Because ever since he met Jihoon, he more or less could never get Jihoon off his thoughts.

 

It hurt.

 

But Jihoon was getting pulled further and further away from him and by Guanlin no less.

 

Where were they going to go? Guanlin's place? Daniel cursed to himself under his breath, and did what he shouldn't have done the most. But he was stupid, and he was stubborn enough to never learn from past mistakes. His hand found Seongwoo's, who was just right beside him at that time, and pulled him into a kiss.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

He shouldn't have tried to look for Daniel.

 

He looked at them, at how perfectly they were molding into each other.  _They're soulmates, of course they are_. Seongwoo was sandwiched between Daniel and the wall in no time. Guanlin tugged at their interlocked hands, tearing Jihoon's eyes away from them.

 

 _Fuck_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating for so long! I was caught up in my competition and exams and it was really hard for me to find time to write. I was literally half-asleep when I wrote this whole chapter so please excuse any mistakes that may have been made!!
> 
> peace out, I love you guys! please write more comments or i kill


	5. Magic condom is magic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** READ END NOTE ***
> 
> This is a bridge chapter btw, so it's not that important BUT it does move the story along so <333  
> (THE SHIT HAPPENS NEXT CHAPTER)

Jihoon didn't go back with Guanlin. He decided against it in the last minute, because seeing Daniel kissing someone else woke him up  _that much more_. He realized how much he didn't want to get hurt again, because while he'd been confident that he was (sort of) over Daniel, there was no mistaking what stirred up in him when he was watching them make out. Jealousy. Hate. Self-deprecating thoughts.

 

They were walking on the grass, Guanlin's hand on his back, when Jihoon suddenly turned around and faced the taller guy.

 

"Jihoon?" Guanlin cocked an eyebrow. That was when Jihoon realized that he was smiling from ear to ear and pasted on a frown immediately. "Are you okay? Did you drink too much or something back there?"

 

"I'm fine. I think I can manage to go back by myself, thanks."

 

Guanlin retracted his hand and stared at Jihoon for a moment, the tip of his tongue poking into his cheek from the inside. He looked puzzled and confused, like he was expecting something else when Jihoon turned around.  _A kiss_.  _He was expecting me to kiss him_ , Jihoon realized.

 

Was that what everyone ever wanted from him? Was that all they thought they could get from him?

 

Was he really  _easy?_

 

The taller guy was still staring at his face, and Jihoon raised a hand up to it to brush off something that wasn't there. He acted clueless to hopefully throw Guanlin off whatever he thought he would be able to hook from Jihoon. He'd given too much, and try as anyone might, they wouldn't able to find anything in him anymore. He was carved empty, a hollow vessel filled with nothing but air and yet he still couldn't feel alive. Jihoon looked up then, and fixed his gaze on the half-barren trees. It was the beginning of Autumn, Jihoon's favorite season of all. The air whipping past his frame felt cold to his skin.

 

"I'm worried. The campus isn't safe for people like you, especially at night."

 

"People like me?"

 

Guanlin nodded once, twice. "The red riding hood type. Your face is literally bait for all the wolves out there. It'd be murder to let you walk home by yourself," Guanlin insisted.

 

"Forgive me if I sound rude, but the only type of people anyone has ever warned me to steer clear of is people like  _you_."

 

" _Me?"_

 

"The wolves."

 

"Ah," Guanlin hummed. He smiled unexpectedly and reached out to thread his fingers through Jihoon's hair. The latter flinched away. "You're really something, Park Jihoon. Nothing like what I expected after hearing all those rumors about you."  _You're really something, Park Jihoon_. The said boy felt his heart skip a beat and fought to keep it back to its normal rhythm again. No, he couldn't fall for boys like Guanlin anymore. He just hoped that his resolution wouldn't crumble like dust as soon as Guanlin showed the slightest interest in him.

 

"Which rumors?"

 

The older guy looked away. "Kang Daniel is an asshole. You shouldn't trust him."

 

"That isn't really an explanation, but yeah," Jihoon sucked in a breath, "I really shouldn't have trusted that piece of shit."

 

"I don't really like him all that much either. You know what? I think we could be friends after all," he beamed. Jihoon only fixed his stare on the ground, stamping the blades of grass beneath his feet eventhough they did nothing wrong. "Jihoon, are you okay?"

 

"Yeah," he answered softly. "Yeah, I'm okay." He took a step backwards, face breaking into a wide smile he didn't think he could make. He couldn't tell if it was forced or not-- his body seemed to be getting very good at ignoring his brain's instructions these days. He wanted to prolong this conversation, drag it out because he knew that by the time he made it back to his dorm, he would be a huge, unmistakable crying mess. And Samuel would know. That Jihoon had lied to him. But he knew that his best friend wouldn't be mad after seeing how much Jihoon was hurting.

 

 _Was_ he hurting?

 

Yeah, he was. He could feel it coming. Sometimes, when you experienced something sad, it would have a delayed effect on you for some reason. It wouldn't hit you fully until you least expected it.

 

"Goodnight, Guanlin."

 

He turned around and ran off before his mouth could open and blurt out anything else.

 

How could Jihoon even think about trying to understand people when he couldn't even fathom his own thoughts and actions?

 

That was wishful thinking.  _Dangerous_ thinking.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

_Am I crying?_

 

Daniel woke up to the sound of someone breathing next to him. Peaceful, calm breathing that gave off the fact that whoever it was, they were probably still asleep. Daniel sat up as subtly as possible and inched himself off the bed. He didn't have to look behind and check to see who it was-- he could tell that it was Seongwoo. He wasn't drunk last night. Even after Guanlin had left the party with Jihoon in tow (to god knows where), Daniel kept himself in check just so he was sure to remember everything that happened that night. He wasn't sure why, but parties with Jihoon always seemed to end up in disaster.

 

He walked out the room after putting on his clothes quietly, dragging a towel out the room with him.

 

Something wet rolled down the right side of his face and as soon as he got into the bathroom, he peered into the mirror to confirm his suspicions. He was crying. And he didn't even feel any different than usual-- or maybe he just refused to acknowledge the heavy load seated on his chest comfortably like it belonged there.

 

 _Jesus-fuck_ , he thought to himself,  _I'm actually crying_.

 

 

 

 

 

They were gathered at the dining hall near their residence area, too cheap to dine at some fancy place outside the campus. Seongwoo wasn't ignoring him anymore (and  _thank god_ for that) but Daniel's heart felt heavy whenever he thought about the cost that came with winning his best friend's heart back.

 

"So anyway," Seongwoo was saying, bringing Daniel back from his thoughts successfully, "during the break I went to this store near my house to buy some condoms and I  _shit you not_ , magic condoms exist."

 

Woojin choked on his burger and had to be patted on the back by Jisung to calm down. He was feeling better and was acting okay so far, but Daniel had been closely monitoring him still, trying to pick out the signs that Woojin wasn't behaving  _normally_. Right now, the red headed guy was smiling, raising a tissue to his lips to wipe at them and looking mildly embarrassed.

 

"I'm serious, people," Seongwoo insisted with a straight face.

 

"I call bullshit," Jisung put lightly, just to prove that he had been listening.

 

"No, I mean, every single time I go out to buy condoms, I bump into hot guys like  _everywhere_ and then I would end up shagging them. Fucking great. I really should go out to buy more condoms soon."

 

Daniel raised an eyebrow and his best friend flashed him a shit eating grin. They haven't talked about what happened last night. No one had to. They both remembered what went down, clear as day. the memory was still fresh in Daniel's mind and for some reason, he felt appalled by it. Disgusted. At himself. Like he'd just done something he shouldn't have. There was a face hovering in the back of his mind and a name being whispered into his ears repeatedly, but he chose to ignore all of these signs. He immersed himself in the luxury that fast food was.

 

"I bet you're just making this shit up," Woojin said, leaning back in his chair like he was done eating although his plate was still piled high with food. Daniel was more than halfway through his order, so he pulled the younger guy's plate closer to his to claim it before Jisung or Seongwoo could do the same.

 

"Mine," Daniel mumbled through his mouthful of chewed food.

 

Jisung reached over to smack the back of his head. "Don't talk when you're eating." Nodding solemnly to himself, Daniel frowned and continued plowing through his portion of the greasy, fatty meal.

 

"You guys don't believe me," Seongwoo said in a flat tone that indicated his rising temper.

 

"We do, we just need  _proof_ ," his best friend answered.

 

"Right. During this year's summer break, I went to the store I frequent all the time to get more condoms because I ran out of them.  _And then_ , the most amazing thing happened to me and I just know you guys wouldn't believe it."

 

Woojin muttered something under his breath that reached Seongwoo's ears as an incoherent tangle of words so the latter-- thankfully- dismissed it.

 

"While I was perusing all the options I had, I bumped into this guy, and he was in his late-forties, maybe. I only saw his back at first, and he was so well dressed that I was thinking to myself that I wouldn't mind having him as my sugar daddy if he was rich as well  _eventhough_ the guy was probably half a century years old." Jisung narrowed his eyes, unsure of where this was going. He debated with himself about the authenticity of  Seongwoo's anecdotes all the time, unable to decide whether the younger guy was bullshitting or not. "I kept on apologizing and bowing and he turned around and faced me. Never have I ever been so shocked," Seongwoo said, dragging things out to make it more dramatic than ever.

 

"I don't like where this is going," Daniel spoke up.

 

"Trust me, me neither," added the oldest among the four of them.

 

"It was my  _dad_."

 

It took everyone a moment before they fully processed the end of Seongwoo's story in their heads, and then it was chaos. _"_ You fucking thought about fucking your father?" Daniel very-nearly screeched at the top of his voice.

 

"Well, to be fair, I didn't know it was my dad."

 

"And how is this supposed to prove that condom magic exists?" Jisung cried, hands going up to his mouth to cover it in shock.

 

"I had a good fuck that night."

 

"What the flying  _fuck_ ," Woojin deadpanned, "you slept with your dad?" This statement drove all of them further more into a state of severe confusion. They were yelling to themselves, voices overlapping each other as they scrambled quickly to the frightening conclusion that  _Seongwoo fucked with his father_.

 

"Not my  _dad,_ you idiots," Seongwoo hissed. "It was the cashier I fucked!"

 

Daniel pressed his forehead against the table and breathed in and out. "Then why the hell would you even think to tell us about meeting your father while doing some condom-shopping?"

 

"Because I wanted to tell the full story!" Seongwoo exclaimed. "You guys are impossible." He flipped all of them off, holding  _the finger_ high up in the air for all of his friends. "I can't believe you guys would assume I slept with my dad? Like, I know I'm super fucked up but I would never go as far as to shag my own dad. That's just  _plain weird_. Anyway, I bagged the cashier's number and that was the night I discovered how miraculous bacon-flavored condoms could be."

 

" _Bacon-flavored?_ I swear to god i can't even help you anymore--" Jisung said to himself, fingers massaging his temples.

 

"What," Seongwoo asked. "It was nice. You should go get yourself a partner some time so you can finally stop moping around claiming you like being single."

 

"I  _like_ being single," protested the older man.

 

"Is that why you have a  _Grindr_ account?" Woojin questioned with a smile as innocent as he could manage. Daniel's eye widened. Too many secrets were being revealed today, way too many. His fingers gripped the edge of the table so hard, his knuckles turned white.  _I definitely do not need to know any of this._

 

"I told you not to look through my phone!"

 

"What was I supposed to do if you're just going to leave it lying around--  _unlocked--_ while you went somewhere else for a long time?" Woojin defended himself.

 

"I don't know. What about  _not_ look through my private stuff?"

 

"There was a notification! It's not my fault," Woojin's voice escalated in volume, dragging more attention from the other people eating around them.  _Great_ , Daniel thought to himself as he slowly stood up as stealthily as possible, trying to blend into the background.

 

Seongwoo's eyes caught him moving. "Daniel, leaving so soon?'

 

They all turned to look at him and Daniel found himself cursing at his best friend's stupidly handsome face. "Forget it. I don't know any of you," he said. "I'm just going to go back to my room until you guys figure out what a mess you all are, I'm not going to speak to any of you."

 

"Condom magic is real!" Seongwoo shouted after him, and Daniel ducked out the dining hall before anyone else could see his flaming red face.

 

_I need to get new friends._

 

 

 

 

 

As it turned out, Daniel  _did_ have to go out to buy condoms that night. And it was because he ran out of them and definitely not because he wanted to try and see if what Seongwoo called Magic Condoms (or condom magic, whatever) existed at all.

 

He, of course, stopped by the convenience store beside the library because that was the closest place to his residence area. He ran there, carrying an umbrella because the dark clouds were gathering overhead. When he arrived, however, he suddenly felt a strong urge growing in him to turn back and fucking get out of there. He stood rooted a few steps away from the entrance of the store like his feet had been glued there, his eyes following a familiar figure who was collecting his drink from the vending machine.

 

_Fuck, I should probably pray more. It seems like god really likes to fuck me up all in the wrong places._

 

When he realized that his fists were balled up so tightly they left crescent-shaped marks on his palm, he released them and took in a deep breath. Jihoon looked tired. Like,  _really_ tired. The spaces under his pretty eyes were so sunken and hollow that concern filled Daniel's heart right away and set off the alarm in his head. The younger boy's hair was sticking up in all directions and he was dressed casually in a baggy black shirt paired with washed out jeans. Nothing colorful to set him apart from everyone else around him. Daniel felt angry for a moment, then it dawned on him that he might be the reason why Jihoon looked so distressed and worn out at the moment.

 

Making up his mind rather quickly, Daniel stormed into the store with purpose and willed his eyes to stay on the road ahead, not paying any attention to his ex at all.

 

Jihoon didn't look bothered at all by his presence. After taking his canned drink, he slumped into the store as well to get a bag of chips in the row just behind where Daniel was heading. (Who thought that it would be a good idea to arrange condoms near the food section anyway?)

 

Very nearly breaking out into cold sweat, Daniel crouched down to examine all the options closely.  _What the fuck_ , he told himself in his brain.  _What the fuck, Daniel? Just take one and go. It's not going to make much of a difference anyway._ His eyes landed on the assortment of condoms laying dejectedly in the rack, all color-coded neatly. Well, there was no denying the fact that there was a lot of types to choose from, because there were even ramen-flavored ones, for fuck's sake. What was their university even trying to promote? He grabbed a packet of the most normal sounding ones and sneaked in a couple of the bacon ones as well, just to try them out in secret.

 

Unfortunately, he just  _had_ to make it to the register before Jihoon did. Which meant that the boy would be witnessing the whole scene play out with his own eyes. The whole condom buying thing.

 

"Oh, I know  _you_ ," the cashier exclaimed.

 

He heard an audible sigh coming from Jihoon behind him.

 

"You're Daniel, aren't you?"

 

Daniel only smiled politely and looked around, trying not to meet the girl's eyes. If he was looking for friendly conversation, he would've have already started it up first with her. He took out his phone to check the time, hoping that she would get the meaning.

 

"You're really famous around here. You're practically a celebrity," she gushed as she checked out the items she bought and held out the plastic bag containing the items to him. Daniel took out his wallet.

 

"Daniel's dead."

 

She cocked her head to one side and stared at him.

 

"I'm Daniel's twin brother. A few months back, I bought some rat poison to kill this pest in our house but he ended up eating the whole thing instead. He died," he said as calmly as he could as he took the plastic bag containing his purchase into his hand. "Thanks for this." He turned around and left, and he might or might not have heard some muffled snickering behind him.

 

When he came out, it was already drizzling, the rain getting heavier by the minute. He turned around when he heard Jihoon cursing to himself.

 

They stood next to each other, though there was quite a distance between the both of them. Jihoon kept his gaze alternating between looking at the time and the sky. The taller guy looked down at his umbrella, then at Jihoon's empty hands. He seemed to have already stuffed everything into his giant backpack. He looked tiny. Like was going to cave in at any minute then under the weight on his shoulders.  _No, I don't want to hurt him_ , Daniel thought to himself.  _I want him to..._

 

_What do I want him to do?_

 

Daniel didn't like this. He used to know everything he wanted to do. Everything seemed clear to him from the very start. Jihoon made him lost, belittled him without having to do anything but breathe. How could someone have this sort of power?

 

"Here," he said, surprising himself when the sound reached his own ears. He was extending the umbrella towards Jihoon, who looked a little skeptical, as if he wasn't sure if Daniel was talking to him or now. Daniel gave his hands another push forward and nodded as convincingly as he could, gulping down saliva. "Take it."

 

"What about you?" Jihoon asked. He sounded monotonous. Flat.

 

"I'm fine. I can run back. Your dorm is further away than mine anyway." Jihoon stared at the offered item with doubt in his eyes. "Take it. Please."

 

Jihoon looked to the front when he said, "Let's go back together, then." A pretty pink bloomed in his cheeks and Daniel wished that it wasn't raining, just so he could see it under better lighting. "We can share it, if you're okay with that. It's yours after all."

 

Daniel sucked in a mouthful of air and tried to calm himself down. "Okay." He opened the umbrella and adjusted it over the both of them so that it was covering more of Jihoon than it shielded his own body. Jihoon was small, and Daniel had a faint memory of the short guy contracting the flu easier than Daniel did. 

 

And then they started walking back in the direction of Jihoon's dorm quietly, like it was normal for them to be next to each other in such close vicinity. Daniel steered them away from puddles. Jihoon made himself as invisible as he could.

 

Daniel couldn't keep his eyes off Jihoon.

 

Jihoon's gaze couldn't settle at one spot for more than a few seconds.

 

This was easy, somehow. This was them melting into their roles in a painting, or like a scene taken from a movie. Daniel felt like he was doing something right, for the first time in many years. But was he supposed to feel like this is the very first place? Why was it that no matter how hard he tried to go separate ways with Jihoon, he would find himself back where they started? From his peripheral vision, he could make out every detail of Jihoon's face. The way his pupils were shaking, they nervous way Jihoon kept on sucking on his chapped, bottom lip.

 

_What do you want from me, Jihoon?_

 

 _No,_ Daniel thought to himself.  _What do I want from him?_ From somewhere buried deep in him, Daniel had the answer. He wanted Jihoon to never forget him the way it was for Daniel. He wanted their memories together to be forever engraved in the younger boy's mind, but he didn't know how to do that. To him, the most unforgettable memories had been embossed into his life by the same thing-- pain. And that was why Daniel wanted to hurt Jihoon.

 

Because Daniel didn't want to be forgotten. Even the thought of it was scaring him, putting him on wit's end. 

 

"Jihoon--"

 

Daniel's voice lost to the thunder that roared overhead, and it shocked him to a stop. Without thinking, his hand was on Jihoon's shoulder, pulling the younger boy closer to him out of reflex. It took him a few minutes to register what he'd just done. He didn't miss the way Jihoon got startled, shrinking back like a scared rabbit. He triggered Daniel's instincts to protect, and almost as though he was under a spell, Daniel had impetuously done the one thing he could to make sure that he didn't lose Jihoon again-- hold him closer. To feel him breathing, to know that he wasn't gone entirely.

 

He had dreams about that sometimes. Dreams about losing the one thing he couldn't bear to tear apart from. Sometimes it was Jihoon, sometimes it was something else. Memories from his childhood that were actually nice. And he always lost the things he cherished the most to largest bodies of water. They swallowed Jihoon, and Daniel could only watch from afar.

 

 _Do I like him_.

 

He let go, and they stopped walking because Daniel was now turning to face the shivering boy.

 

"Are you scared," he asked, hoping that he didn't sound like he was mocking Jihoon.

 

Jihoon shrugged like it was nothing. "A little." But Daniel sensed the hesitation in his answer and knew that Jihoon was beyond scared. He knew how that felt like. When he was young, he was scared of thunderstorms as well, but no one ever came to his aid when he cried for help, his screams drowned out by the rumbling thunder above. Back then, he was just a slight boy who disappeared behind the shadow of his older brother. Always watching himself wash away in the presence of greater things. It took it quite some time to figure out that no one cared whether he was scared shitless or not-- his parents didn't love him. Not as much as they did his brother, anyway.

 

"Would it-- would it help," Daniel stuttered, half his words devoured up by the wretched booming coming from the skies as they darkened, night encroaching quickly. He waited until it was over before he cleared his throat and forced the words out. "Do you... I mean, I don't want to force you into doing anything you're not comfortable with," he started to say, licking his lips while bracing himself for rejection, "but, would holding your hand help?"

 

Jihoon pursed his lips-- Daniel could see. He caught sight of the way the younger boy gulped uncertainly. "I think," he answered so softly, Daniel wouldn't have known what Jihoon was saying over the crackling in the background if it weren't for that fact that Daniel was staring at his lips (and couldn't stop).

 

“Okay,” Daniel breathed out and reminded himself that it didn’t mean anything. They were only going to hold hands because Jihoon was scared and Daniel was helping him. _Get a hold of yourself, Kang fucking Daniel,_ he chided himself. It’s just holding hands-- he'd done this a million times. But none of the people he’d held hands with were anything like Jihoon. He tried to ignore that thought and focused on the situation at hand.

 

Hand.

 

Hands.

 

Daniel moved it on reflex from just thinking about the limb and for some reason, even with the sound of the rain falling so loudly around them, he was dead sure they both heard the plastic bag crinkling in his hand. They both looked down and saw the bag of condoms he’d just bought and Daniel felt himself dying on the spot like that. He tried to shift the bag over to his other hand as noiselessly as possible but it was useless-- Jihoon had already seen what a horny freak he was. He ignored the burning in his cheeks and cleared his throat again.

 

Slowly, he edged his fingers over to Jihoon ever so slightly, until the latter could feel Daniel’s fingers brushing against his own hand. Jihoon unfurled his fingers and let them slip around Daniel’s gingerly until the heat of their palms were pressing against each other comfortably. Daniel’s own hands were rough, and he couldn’t stop thinking about how smooth Jihoon’s one was.

 

Heartbeats. Daniel could hear his own drumming powerfully and so rapidly, he was sure his chest was going to burst into a display of flames. He could feel his ears heating up as well so there was doubt that they were red in color already. He prayed silently Jihoon wouldn’t look up and witness the mess he’d made of Daniel from just holding his hand.  _This isn't me_ , Daniel gritted to himself.  _Stop. You don't like him. He doesn't like you_.

 

Daniel felt so damn good. And not in a perverse way. Touching Jihoon-- even if it was just his hand-- made him feel like all his nerves were on fire and standing on end.

 

His eyes snapped towards Jihoon’s and found Jihoon already staring at him with a blank and unreadable expression, his pink lips pursed tightly. “Okay?” Daniel asked him, giving their hands a tiny shake, as if to remind the both of them that they were somehow, someway, connected.

 

Jihoon nodded, “Okay.”

 

The word echoed and bounced off the walls of Daniel's skull.

 

_Okay._

 

_Everything's okay._

 

 

 

 

 

To Daniel, things ended too abruptly and shortly. In no time, they were already approaching Jihoon's building and he was still unwilling as ever to let go.

 

Jihoon broke into a light jog towards shelter, and Daniel soon followed, making sure that Jihoon stayed as dry as possible, the plastic bag in his hand swinging furiously from side to side as he caught up with the younger boy. "Thanks for the umbrella," Jihoon said when they were finally under a roof.

 

"It's nothing. Are you cold?" Daniel asked upon seeing how Jihoon was slightly trembling, arms folded across his chest and his body hunched over.

 

"No." Jihoon bit his lip like he wanted to say more, but stopped himself short of it.

 

And soon, there was nothing left to do, no more reason for Daniel to spend another second with Jihoon in his eyes. But he was staying, and Jihoon looked confused, unsure of what to do.

 

"Daniel?" he voiced tentatively.

 

"Yeah, I'm just-- I'm just going to make sure you get in safely."

 

"We're literally at the entrance."

 

The older guy gulped and nodded to himself. "Yeah," he muttered under his breath, trying to seem as nonchalant as possible. "Okay. Yeah, uh, I guess I'll get going now?"  _Fuck_ , Daniel cursed to himself in his head,  _fucking_ go  _and don't look back._ Jihoon's eyebrows furrowed for just a second, then he took a step back as well. He was about to turn around and walk into the building when Daniel suddenly half-yelled, scaring himself in the process as well, " _Wait!"_

 

Jihoon watched Daniel curiously, slightly shaken. "Are you okay?"

 

"Keep this," Daniel said.  _You did not plan this, you crazy motherfucker_ , his brain was hissing to him. The younger boy was gaping at Daniel like the latter had just lost his mind and to be honest, the older guy couldn't blame him. He held the umbrella between the both of them like it was an offering, the object still dripping wet.

 

"Are you crazy? The rain's getting heavier I can't keep it. Besides, what for? I'm already here," Jihoon protested.

 

"Just-- keep it, please."

 

 _Fuck._ Daniel wanted a hole to open up beneath him and swallow him into the earth.

 

"Is this another one of your tricks?"

 

" _No_."

 

"Daniel, I'm serious here-- you can't run back with nothing covering you."

 

"Whatever. I'm going to drop it here even if you won't take it."

 

"What?"

 

The umbrella hit the ground with a sound that could barely be heard, what with the pouring rain coming down heavily in icy sheets around them. Before Jihoon could recover from his shock, Daniel was already gone.

 

 

He could barely feel himself getting soaked as he ran through the thunderstorm. Even as his brain registered how dangerous it was for him to be so fucking crazy and stupid all the time, Daniel felt his face breaking out into a smile. A huge, beaming one.  _I'll see you again._

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 _Kang fucking Daniel, you crazy jerk_.

 

Jihoon entered the room and closed the door rather forcefully, accentuating his anger. He didn't even know why he felt angry. He just did. Samuel looked up, alarmed, when he heard Jihoon's arrival.

 

"God, that's filthy, keep it at the entrance."

 

"I  _know_ ," Jihoon said with a huff.

 

"Are you okay? I don't remember you bringing an umbrella out when you left-- whose is that?" Samuel asked, as keen as ever.  _Too observant,_ Jihoon groaned to himself.  _He's like my mum. Before she knew I was gay._

 

"Kang fucking Daniel's."

 

Samuel's mouth was hanging wide open, but his next words were spoken in a hush. "Ground rules, you bitch. No talking about big dick guy in this room. And how did you even end up with his stuff? I thought you were going on a boycott against all things Daniel." Jihoon slumped down in his chair, still in his day-old outfit, too tired to change into something cleaner or more comfortable. He rolled his eyes and moved his gaze onto the book lying on his table.

 

"He walked me home," Jihoon squeaked.

 

" _What?_ _"_

 

"Yeah, we were at the store next to the library and it was raining really heavily so,"-- Jihoon sucked in a deep breath, eyes fluttering shut-- " _yeah_ , he said he'd walk me home."

 

"And you accepted?" Samuel screeched, scrambling to sit up in his bed. "You could've called me over and  _I_ could walk you home."

 

The older boy shook his head and played with his fingers nervously in his lap, unable to get off every trace of  _Daniel_ floating around in his train of thoughts. Unwanted thoughts, unwanted thoughts. "You've been acting kind of weird lately and I didn't want to bother you. Besides, it didn't even occur to me that I could call you." Jihoon caught the hurt that flashed in his best friend's eyes and he sat up straighter immediately. "I didn't mean it that way. It's just that-- my brain shuts down whenever he's around. I can't think and I can't move and I can't even fucking open my mouth without risking the chances of embarrassing myself."

 

"Do you still like him?'

 

"Fuck, Sam, I really don't know." Jihoon knew the answer. He just didn't want to face it, not today. He'd had enough of thinking about Daniel. For maybe the rest of his life. It was fucking hilarious, how someone could mess you up so badly but own a special place in your heart. How  _could_ that happen? In what world was that even rational thinking?

 

To make matters worse, Jihoon couldn't believe that three years of pain and trying to move on from the past didn't change his impulsive acts, not one bit. He was just as stupid as before, maybe just three years older physically, definitely not mentally.

 

Samuel was looking at his ragged fingers as well, uneasiness written all over his face.

 

"Sam, honestly, do you think I'm doing anything right?"

 

"There's no right or wrong in loving someone. I just want to make sure you don't get hurt again, is all. You're smart, Jihoon. You can make that decision for yourself. In my opinion, though, sometimes letting someone you love go is  far better for your own good than keeping them close, especially if that person's inflicting so much damage on you. But I don't know, I can't be sure about  _everything_ , you know. This decision is yours to make. Maybe you could continue with that book and come to a conclusion at the end?" he suggested.

 

 

 _I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I'm sick of hearing that phrase. I'm sick of not knowing anything_.

 

That night, after Samuel was fast asleep, Jihoon sat at his desk and got into writing. He steeled his resolve and visited the memory he didn't want to relive the most.

 

The night his world fell apart, the night everything he thought he knew became foreign.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I saw a lot of people hating on Daniel's character so let me explain why I decided to write this story in the very first place and why I love it so, so much!
> 
> If you guys pay really close attention to my writing style, you'll see that it alternates and changes whenever I switch between Jihoon and Daniel's POV. Why? Because this story is written to mean something far deeper than just reading the words I put out and scraping the surface of it. Daniel is a character I created to embody a part of me in my teenage years-- he's the definition of fear and indecisiveness. Many times in this story you'll see him figuring things out, his opinions changing in almost every chapter. My writing style changes when I switch between these two because I absorb them up, sink into them when I move the plotline along. For Daniel, you'll see things in a twisted way. Daniel is a like a cracked mirror, and reading from his perspective will be like writing from his point of view exactly. When I write, I almost never write from a writer's point of view. You'll see things the way my characters do-- and I hope that adds a touch of realism into the fic.
> 
> Jihoon, on the other hand, takes up the other part of me when I was a teenager. He's pure, he's new to all of this, and he's still immature. All of us are, but Jihoon is still at that stage of his life where you'd fall in love with almost every person who is nice to you. Other than that, Jihoon also represents the stage of life when everything just seems to go wrong no matter what you do to right things. So when you're reading during Jihoon's narration, everything he goes through will seem TEN TIMES WORSE cause he describes it that way. He also feels like a tap that's left open. He gives too much, and no one ever bothers to tell him to stop, that what he's doing is enough. He doesn't feel reassured enough, and looking back on my life, I've experienced this more times than I can count.
> 
> I started writing this fic with a purpose to make this story matter to everyone who reads it as much as it matters to me (does that make sense?). It's such a huge chunk of my life, the time of my life where the puzzle pieces start fitting together on their own, without me knowing. And one day, I woke up feeling like I've matured.
> 
> Throughout this entire story, you'll see their thoughts change whenever they interact. They take a step closer to growing up.
> 
> This is a story of two boys who are frozen in time while everything around them progresses at a normal speed. This is the story of two boys who were never taught or guided properly through their teenage years and now, no one is left behind to hold their hands and pull them through all these stages step by step. And whatever they lack in character, they find it in the other. The reason why they fit together so perfectly is because they were both left behind, I think. They both grew up with parents who were NEVER satisfied with whatever they did, parents who couldn't care less. So they're forced to learn from somewhere else. I doesn't matter how long they take to catch up to the events happening around them-- what's important is that they get there, by hook or by crook. They find the meaning of growing up in each other, and they grow up learning to right their wrongs from the past. To me, the way I interpret this fic, is that they haven't fully moved on from when they met three years ago. And that's where they have to pick up from now that they're in such close vicinity again.
> 
> The beauty of this, I think, is that it's the same to everyone who reads it, but means different things to them at the same time. For me, it's the story of two boys who move along slower than everyone else, but to someone else, for example, maybe the aspect of love is more important when they read it.
> 
> This story might forever remain just another fic under the nielwink tag, but it's something of its own. It's a living thing that takes it own shape and path whenever I sink myself into my teenage years again. For those who are still in that stage of growing up while reading this, I hope you find what you love in it. Learn as the characters in this story each move on from whatever's embedded deeply in their hearts as well. I love you guys <3
> 
> Tell me what you think about it in the comments!!
> 
> (Read all the comments I've answered in the previous chapters for tiny spoilers here and there~)
> 
> I answer to comments all the time so please, tell me what I can do to make it even better! I love hearing from you guys <33333 HERE'S ME SENDING TRUCKLOADS OF HEARTS TO WHOEVER IS READING THIS
> 
> COMMENT OR I KILL AND Y'ALL WILL NEVER GET ANOTHER UPDATE
> 
> Edit: find me on twitter @nwspoiltmilk


	6. I'm still here, can you stay with me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i bet most of you already guessed what happened, but this is the way I've chosen to write about it!
> 
> ps, i'm sorry. if you ever loved someone so much it hurts whenever you draw in a breath without them around, i hope you never lose that special someone. because hurts to live without life

That night after Daniel left Jihoon off at his house, an ambulance passed by, the siren wailing loudly and waking up almost the entire neighborhood. It was a small town, and accidents that warranted so much help piqued their interest rather easily. And unfortunately, the commotion woke Jihoon's parents up as well, and they were standing on the front porch of his house, waiting for their son to return with non too pleased expressions plastered on their faces.

 

They each fixed their signature death glares on Daniel as Jihoon got out from the car.

 

Daniel didn't walk him to his door. Back then, Jihoon thought that maybe it was because Jihoon had told the older guy about how his parents didn't know about his sexuality yet. But now that he had time to mull over the events of that night, Jihoon was pretty sure it was because Daniel didn't deal with relationship stuff. He didn't do holding your hand and walking you to your house, he didn't do goodnight kisses, he didn't do late-night texts to calm Jihoon down whenever the latter needed help. He was all words and broken promises and insincerity. Jihoon was glad he knew that now. 

 

"You went to a party," his dad growled.

 

Jihoon lifted his chin up defiantly and nodded, trying not to show how cold he was, standing in the middle of the freezing front yard of his house without an extra layer to wrap around his half-shivering body.

 

"Who was that?"

 

"A friend," he'd lied.

 

" _Who was that,"_ his dad very nearly shouted in his face, each word punctuated heavily with his anger, some of his spit landing on Jihoon's face. "I asked you a question, Jihoon, and I hope you realize that I'm giving you a chance here."

 

"A chance to do what? I already answered you-- he's  _just a friend."_

 

If it was a fucking cartoon, his dad's face would be purple with anger, steam pouring out his ears. But this was real life, and Jihoon ended up getting slapped instead. It was as loud as a clap, what with the siren slowly disappearing into the background and becoming less noticeable. It hurt. And it left a red, stinging hand print behind, a small cut opening below his eye where his father's marriage ring had caught him. Jihoon held in an infuriated scream and stood still on the porch. It wasn't as though he wasn't used to this. It was just--  _it was just..._

 

Something.

 

Jihoon couldn't tell what. Reliving this memory, though, made him feel a deeper sort of anger that had been uncovered within him. He took this blow for Daniel, who hadn't even bothered to ask him about it afterwards. Feigning concern wasn't hard, and yet Daniel barely spared him an uninterested glance.

 

Then again, was it right for Jihoon to chase after lies?

 

He knew that, in a way, it was better now that he understood Daniel's original intentions from three years back, but there was no denying that some part of him still wanted to go back to that time where he'd naively believed that Daniel would bring the moon down for him. If he asked (he didn't, but he should've while he still could). Maybe it was human nature to seek out pretty lies. Maybe it was just in Jihoon's character to want to hide from the truth. He didn't know what it was, but something about the way Daniel used to look at him, it had left a insatiable, wild desire burning in him to make it happen again. To make Daniel look into his eyes like they were magic.

 

But everyone would feel like that at some point. When you believed in a lie for so long, you still willed it to be true long after its real nature was revealed. Jihoon was drunk on Daniel's lies, they left him craving for more after he sobered up.

 

But on that porch, that night, he'd felt a different sort of anger-- one that he couldn't fathom or take apart to understand.

 

_Injustice?_

 

Well, whatever it was, there was no use trying to dwell on past emotions-- it wasn't as though his dad could hurt him anymore. Jihoon didn't have to pretend to be their happy, happy son now that they really treated him as nothing more than a stranger whenever Jihoon found time to go back during breaks.

 

"You  _look_ at your son," his father hissed as he grabbed Jihoon by a fistful of his hair, pulling him forcefully forward to face his mother. He looked down, but a yank on the back of his head forced him to do otherwise. "This is what you raised. By tomorrow morning, he better be dealt with or else I'll make sure to punish him for the second time," he yelled, not caring if other people heard his voice. It was booming and loud, especially in such a quiet neighborhood. Someone would undoubtedly ask his father about it tomorrow morning, which would lead to another bad day lying ahead in Jihoon's bleak immediate future. He went in, slamming the door behind his fucked-up being. Jihoon imagined snakes crawling out his ears and ass, because he hated his father, despised him to the point where sixteen-year old Jihoon wanted him to _die_.

 

His mother was staring at him.

 

"Why did have you go out without his permission?" she asked with a tone Jihoon couldn't categorize. Was she on his father's side? Was she sad? Was she glad about Jihoon being hit?

 

"Everyone was going," he sniffed, thumbing away not a tear from his face, but a trace of blood coming from the cut on his cheekbone. "He can't do this. He can't hit me."

 

She heaved a breath and righted her shaky voice. "Jihoon, I can't help you unless you tell me the truth. Why did you go?"

 

"All my friends were going-- it's highschool! Everyone does this," he tried to reason.

 

"That's not a good enough reason to come back drunk."

 

"I'm not  _drunk_ ," Jihoon gritted. He saw the disbelief on her face. He knew right away where she stood in this argument. Not with him, but on that asshole's side. "Mum," he began to say, the words ripped out syllable by syllable from his throat viciously, "I'm not drunk. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I didn't take any drugs. I did  _nothing_ there but hang out with my friends. I only went because they did, and because they were laughing at what a freak my dad is." It was a half lie at best. But he really didn't do anything besides making out with Daniel, and that wasn't really bad, was it?

 

"He's your  _father_ , Jihoon. He knows what's best for you."

 

Jihoon drew in a deep breath, mouth opening from shock. "So you're saying that he  _slapped_ me because it would somehow make things better? Make  _me_ better?"

 

She pursed her lips and shook her head. "You don't understand, Jihoon. We're just trying to protect you from...  _pests_ like that boy you hang out with. Daniel, is it? I know that boy. Your father knows him. The entire neighborhood does because being friends with people like him only calls for trouble."

 

"Or maybe you just think so because you're both way too quick at jumping to conclusions without actual evidence!"

 

"Park Jihoon, you  _do not_ raise your voice at me right now," she warned, wagging a finger at him.

 

"He  _hit_ me," he repeated. "He slapped me for no good reason and you let him. You let him do it over and over again because you've always been like this-- you always let him win. And you know what for? To avoid the same thing you're letting him do to me."

 

"Jihoon--"

 

" _Stop. It,"_ he growled from the base of his throat. He felt something wet trickle down his chin and judging by the way his cut was stinging again, he could tell that it wasn't blood. "I'm sick of the both of you. Sometimes I don't even feel like you're my real parents."

 

His mum had looked close to tears, and Jihoon had an inkling of memory that he had wished that she would cry, just so he would feel better about letting himself break down. "Go to your room.  _Now_."

 

Blinking back hot tears and swallowing down whatever words he wanted to say at that moment in fear of turning into an incoherent mess, he turned around and went back in, stormed up the stairs and locked himself in his room. He was trapped there. He'd been living in the same room since he could remember, but it had never felt like home.

 

No, not really.

 

 

 

 

 

On Monday in the following week, Jihoon still wasn't talking to both his parents, and he still refused to eat whatever his mum made, or meet his father's flashing eyes. He avoided them as best as he could and only came down to eat simple snacks at ungodly hours so no one would be around to coax him into saying sorry and admitting that he was wrong.

 

Jihoon went to school that morning with a light heart, bounding towards the school with surprising speed. Because the school wasn't his house-- his parents weren't able to reach him here. No,  _Daniel_ was here. And after what happened the night of the party, he needed the older guy's comfort, his warmth. He knew that Daniel didn't like to flaunt their relationship in front of an audience--especially because most of the inhabitants of their small town were homophobic-- but after Jihoon explained, he believed that it would be fine. Daniel would understand, he would help Jihoon if he could. He'd make an excuse for them.

 

But on Monday, something was wrong.

 

Everyone was talking. And it wasn't as though that was out of the ordinary, but something was off about the way they talked on that morning. It was the way their eyes darted around when they were whispering to one another, it was the way the volume of the general buzz within school grounds were kept down low, the way they looked at Jihoon with a mix of pity and disgust as he walked past.

 

He prepared himself for the worst.

 

Jihoon was normally not the center of attention. He was well-liked among the students and he was okay-friends with all of them, but he never belonged to a particular group or clique. They wouldn't stare and point fingers at him,  _unless_...

 

 _Daniel_.

 

Ice shot through his veins and he felt like doubling over.  _Me. Daniel. They found out._ His mind was blank and devoid of any thoughts-- no, it was the exact opposite of that. It was a reverse blackhole, one that spat out accusations and stomach-turning conclusions that made Jihoon feel faint. There were too many possibilities of how they could've caught Jihoon and Daniel dating, and the chances of his parents finding out in the middle of what was supposed to be his decent school day were way too high for Jihoon to sit well with. His brain was throwing up one horrifying situation after another till they all bled into one, fucked up mess.

 

Jihoon ran. He ran into the bathroom closest to the front entrance of the school, the one no one dared to use because it had a constant putrid stink clinging on to everything inside, and it was almost impossible to get out from your clothes after you came out from utilizing it. Normally, just passing by it in the hallway would be enough to turn Jihoon away, but he needed to be separated from everyone's prying gazes now. They formed a pack of hyenas, and Jihoon happened to be their prey for the day.

 

 _"Fuck, fuck, fuck_ ," he chanted to himself.

 

 _Daniel... Daniel would know what to do_ , he thought. But then it struck him that Daniel had already warned him not to spread news of their relationship around and Jihoon was smart enough to translate that into, "We're over if people know."

 

And Jihoon didn't want that.

 

He curled himself into a ball on the floor of the toilet, not caring if the weird green stuff taking over the originally white tiles would stain his uniform. Possibly permanently, judging by how stubborn and hardy it looked. He couldn't cry, he couldn't scream, he couldn't hurt himself.

 

He ended up doing all of those anyway.

 

No one came in to find him, though he was sure his cries were so loud they were audible from outside. When he walked out, the red marks on his arms covered by the long sleeves of his uniform, he stepped into an empty hallway and he staggered towards his locker, his legs refusing to obey his orders. He took out the books he needed and managed to make it to his class without crumpling into a clumsy heap on the polished floor.

 

And again, people were staring at him as he entered the room.

 

"Good morning sir," he said in the direction of his homeroom teacher, folding himself into a small bow automatically. "I'm sorry for coming late." He stood by the door and waited for a punishment to be dished out, but nothing came.

 

Nothing but pity conveyed to him through the teacher's and his classmates' eyes.

 

He rubbed at his own eyes, realizing that they were wet with tears again. The last time he checked before coming out the toilet, they were swelled up and ringed red, his chest stuttering from uneven breathing patterns. And right then, his heart tripped and fell, sinking into the bottom of his chest.  _What's wrong_ _?_

 

"I understand how much pain you feel, Jihoon. It's alright, you can go sit at your place," the teacher said softly, patting his shoulder comfortingly.

 

Jihoon endured all the pairs of eyes that were riveting their stares into his body as he walked to the very back of the class, where his seat was located. He sat in the middle row along with two other students who were both missing. He was friends with one of them-- Hyungseob.

 

As soon as he sat down, he set about worrying his fingernails until he felt pain, the metallic taste of blood soon staining his taste buds and tongue red. He had a bad feeling about this.

 

"Class," their teacher called. Everyone responded accordingly by sitting up straighter, all looking solemn and grave. It doused Jihoon with a wave of anxiety and apprehension, a stream of self-consciousness flooding into his being and drowning him from inside out. That was how he felt. They weren't looking at him anymore, but they were fidgeting in their seats, heads always turning to sneak quick glances at his face.  _They know_ , Jihoon lamented.  _They know about us._ He was restless and uneasy and he wanted to throw up all over his desk right there. Then he swallowed it all down, burning his throat as the acid in the vomit scathed back into his stomach. He didn't want to go back and they would definitely force his parents to come collect him if he puked.

 

 _No_. No matter what, he was going to have to withstand their ugly, gawking faces, ride out the pain as they sink their vulture-like claws into his flesh and tear him apart.  _Just don't touch him. It's not Daniel's fault_.

 

"I'm sorry to have to say that your classmate,"-- their teacher sucked in a big mouthful of air, pain twisting his expression into something entirely different from Jihoon had believed him to be (another heartless, soul-less teacher who stalked the students looking for an excuse to scold and punish them for)-- "Ahn Hyungseob, was involved in a car accident on Friday night, and is now hospitalized under critical condition. If you have time," he breathed, stopping for a moment think, " _please_ , do visit him. He may be unconscious right now, but his family needs all the support they can get."

 

His heart was still beating, but against a chest that felt too hollow to belong to someone alive. His eyes still saw, but the world around him seemed too far away to be the truth.

 

Shock.

 

Ice.

 

Guilt.

 

They poured into Jihoon. He'd been so selfish about his own problems, he completely forgot about Hyungseob.  _A car accident_. Jihoon wanted so much to grip the edge of his table, to make sure that he was still somehow connected to this world, but his limbs have gone weak, his brain had gone numb.

 

And all he could think about was how he could have put a stop to this.

 

"I am so sorry, Jihoon, that this had to happen to your best friend. I'm sure I'm speaking for all of us when I say that you can come find me if you need any help at all," his teacher continued to say, but the words didn't reach Jihoon's ears. Even if they did, his brain couldn't register any of them, couldn't recognize and match the words to their meanings.

 

The lesson started after that, but no one was really in the mood to attend class. Even the teacher gave up halfway-through. You could tell. He was sighing between explanations and putting his books down too often, too heavily.

 

Jihoon was frozen in time, too surprised to even let his tears flow.

 

During lunch break, Jihoon broke away from his classmates and ran through the hall, heart set on finding the one person who mattered to him, especially in a situation like this. Jihoon's eyes found him. And he was laughing, leaning against his locker with a group of people-- the seniors-- surrounding him, all smiling like Jihoon's grey, monochrome world didn't connect to theirs, didn't bleed enough sadness to their indifference in the light of Seob's accident.

 

Jihoon could barely believe his eyes.

 

Not, not him, not when he needed him the most.

 

"Daniel," he whispered to himself, then launched himself forward in a burst of adrenaline he didn't know he had stored in his wrecked, sore body. The moment he collided with the older guy's chest, he wrapped his arms around Daniel's waist like he couldn't let go. Warmth soaked into his skin and brought a little feeling into his cold, lifeless fingers. And then it was all gone. And then it was all agony as he was pushed away from the taller guy, so hard that he landed on the floor on his side.

 

"What the  _fuck_ do you think you're doing?"

 

_No._

 

"What the fuck was that, you disgusting piece of shit?"

  
_It can't be._

 

Daniel stormed towards him, fury written all over his face as the others stood by and watched like this was entertaining. He picked him up by the collar easily, and he slammed Jihoon against a row of cold, hard metal. The locks on the lockers dug into Jihoon's back as Daniel pressed him against them, pushing harder. He tried kicking, but he was too weak, too helpless for it to have any effect on Daniel. "Don't ever  _touch me again_ ," he gritted with so much animosity, Jihoon felt shivers snaking down his spine.  _It hurts, it hurts, it hurts._

 

"We-- we were--"

 

" _Nothing_ ," Daniel hissed. He brought Jihoon closer, only to give him one final drive into the lockers, his force fueled by rage, before letting go of the younger boy's collar.

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon stared at the book with dead eyes.

 

He used to hate Daniel for it. For humiliating him in front of so many people, for calling everything they had  _nothing_. But if Jihoon was in Daniel's place, he thought that he would've done the same thing. Reputation was everything to Daniel, and especially in that small town where every little piece of gossip leaked out at one point or another, Daniel's entire family would be ruined if he was found out to be gay. His father's business would crumble and blow away in the form of ashes before he could establish the empire he'd always wanted to build. And as much as Daniel liked claiming that he hated his family, Jihoon knew how important their seals of approval were to the older guy.

 

But he wasn't going to forgive the older guy.

 

He was trying really hard not to forgive him, anyway. But he hated how the more he replayed this memory as he grew older, the more he understood Daniel's impulsive acts. He hated how he was getting nearer to the truth but further from where he wanted to be.

 

He resented how life never made sense, but still did at the same time.

 

He'd told Kang Daniel that he loved him, and somehow that made Jihoon unlovable. He said that he cared, and that made him the target of Daniel's hatred. The older boy left Jihoon with insides that contracted with so much love, it hurt, and he made Jihoon's palms clammy and his heart explode. He made Jihoon breathless from breathing him in.

 

And now, three fucking years later, Daniel was back.

 

Jihoon couldn't stop what his heart wanted.

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

"What is  _this_?" Jisung asked in a dangerously low tone. "Park Woojin, you promised me. You gave me your word," he kept on saying, like those words were supposed to mean something Woojin. The younger boy only sat silently and stared ahead, dead-eyed. "Woojin, look at me," Jisung pleaded desperately. "You told me you weren't doing this anymore."

 

"I'm nineteen, I can do whatever I want."

 

"You-- you said you weren't going to contact him anymore," Jisung said as calmly as he could, his voice strained and eyes red. He'd been crying for the better part of the day. Maybe Woojin was supposed to feel something for that, but he couldn't find anything but pain inside himself. It was as though he was submerging himself into everything that screamed agony, turning his limbs into stone as he waited at the bottom of the ocean floor, too deep down in the water to even see sunlight. He couldn't swim to the surface. He didn't want to.

 

Jisung moved to his side, and placed his phone down gently on the table. It was showing the text he'd sent to Seob not long ago.  _I'll be there soon. Please wait for me._ Woojin's eyes scanned the next line.  _Stay there. Seob, give me another chance. I'll make this better._

 

"He never replies," Woojin laughed to himself bitterly. "He hates me."

 

"Woojin,  _please._ He's never going to respond."

 

The red headed boy felt himself quaking, the steady ground beneath him caving in.  _That's right, pull me under. Seob doesn't want me anymore_. In his mind, everything was falling apart. The paintings were hanging crooked, the wallpapers were torn into scraps, the furniture tipped over, set in a scene of disarray. A broken heart. A broken man. Woojin found himself standing in the middle of it.

 

"Hyung, what time is it?"

 

"Woojin--"

 

"What time is it," Woojin growled, standing up from his seat as grounded as he could be, pretending like he wasn't going to cry. Pretending, pretending, pretending. Was this was Daniel felt like on a daily basis?

 

The older boy followed suit, getting onto his feet. "It's almost time, I'm coming with you."

 

"No, you're not." Woojin pocketed his phone without reading the texts again-- he already had those words imprinted in his head, branded over his heart. Everything about Seob was. Because he was everything. Woojin couldn't live without everything. "2 in the afternoon, at the usual place. It's just me and him, hyung. It wouldn't mean as much if you came along. Please. This is something I have to do on my own."

 

"I don't want to make you mad, but I can't trust you. Not when you're in such bad condition." Concern forced Jisung's eyebrows to meet in the middle. "Seob cares about you. Don't-- don't do this. Don't hurt him."

 

 _I already have_.

 

Woojin left, knowing that Jisung wouldn't follow. He never did.

 

Because where Woojin was headed to, there was nothing to do. He'd stand there for hours on end, a bouquet of wilting flowers held tightly in his hand, no one keeping him company but the light whispers of the Autumn wind, each gust carrying a message to his ears. Never from the right person. For three consecutive years now, Seob had never come back for Woojin, not even once.

 

He'd left one day and never looked back.

 

Funny how the only thing he left with Woojin was the most painful goodbye the boy could ever imagine.

 

 

 

 

 

 _Nothing_.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

"I told you he would come," Yeri whispered to her friend, nudging Seulgi with her shoulder, a smug smile on her lips. "This person has the best boyfriend ever, I'm telling you. Wish  _my_ boyfriend was this romantic to me."

 

A red headed man walked into the shop, the bell above the entrance tinkling a lovely tune as he stepped in with a smile, looking sharp in a white button up and a pair of tailor-cut black pants. One of the sales assistant caught sight of the handsome customer and rushed to his service without wasting another heartbeat. Yeri groaned and rested her cheek against the cool glass of the display box she was standing behind. "Fuckin' newbies _,_ " she breathed out, exasperated, as her eyes followed the guy's every move.

 

"Does he get the same type of flowers every year?" Seulgi asked curiously, moving around the counter to get a better look at him.

 

Yeri nodded and a dreamy veil glazed over her wide eyes, a whimsical expression coloring her face. "It's always a bouquet of white carnations, baby's breath and purple lilacs. Purity, innocence and first love. You can tell he really puts his thoughts into this. And they've been together for  _such a long time_. The best guys are indeed the taken ones," she sighed dejectedly as she tore her eyes away from the man.

 

"Well, he  _does_ look charming."

 

"Doesn't he?" Yeri perked up. "You know, last year, I asked him why he chose the same flowers over and over again. I thought, 'wouldn't his lover be bored of receiving the exact same bouquet every single year?' Do you know what he told me?" Yeri prompted her best friend. Seulgi only stared back cluelessly, waiting for the answer. "He told me that one day, I'd realize that while almost every man I meet will bring me flowers, only one will bother learning my favorite ones, and remember it forever. And it's true! No guy I've went out with ever asked me what I liked. I'm still waiting for that one exception."

 

"He sounds like a flirt."

 

Yeri shook her head and smiled. "He only addresses the messages to the same person--  _Seob_." Seulgi was about to say something when she saw the younger girl stand up straighter, a charming grin plastered across her face. "You're back again," she said cheerfully.

 

"And I'm glad you're still here," he laughed lightly. Seulgi narrowed her eyes as she looked at him. Something was off about the way he smiled. It didn't quite reach his eyes.

 

"Still to the same person?"

 

He nodded.

 

"Alright, write down your message on this scrap paper and I'll copy it down onto the card."

 

"There's no need to," he said. "I can write it down myself." Yeri's eyebrows were raised, but she handed over the white card anyway. There were tiny details decorating the edges, inlaid with shiny gold.

 

Leaning over slightly, Seulgi tried to peek at what he was writing down.

 

When he was done, he closed the tip of the pen with its cap and handed the card back to Yeri, who clipped it dutifully to the beautiful bouquet-- a representation of love and life, but in splashes of artistically arranged purple and white. The way the flowers were chosen so specifically, they told a story. Yeri just couldn't fathom what it was in full. She just knew that it was bittersweet. But that couldn't be, could it? The way this man looked whenever his loved one was mentioned, it couldn't be sad. Yeri didn't want it to be. Maybe she was just a romantic, but she thought that someone who loved as much as this man did-- whoever it was that he cherished-- didn't deserve an incomplete love story.

 

"Who is this person, really?" she couldn't help but ask as she handed the flowers over to him as he made his payment.

 

"Someone I love. He-- he was really something," he chuckled to himself.

 

"Must be your anniversary today, huh?" Yeri pried, ignoring the panicking Seulgi beside her, who was trying to gesture something discreetly (but failing).

 

He paused, the smile faltering for just a moment, before he recovered it quickly. "Yeah," he exhaled. "At 2 o'clock. We meet at this place every year."

 

"You should bring him over next time. I'd love to meet such a lucky guy."

 

The customer shook his head to himself as he cradled the bouquet in his arms, holding them with such care it was, for some unknown reason, heartbreaking to watch. _What made him so scared?_ He took the flowers into his care like they were going to fall apart any moment then, like they were made of something more breakable than thin slivers of glass. Like they were fragile. But he looked more fragile than the flowers were. "No, I'm the lucky one. So I make sure to confess to him again every year."

 

"Well, I guess you have to get going now. You have to be there early, right? God, you're making me so curious! I would love to see his expression when you hand this over to him."

 

He sucked in a breath. "I would ask you to come along and watch, but,"-- he swallowed-- "he never comes." Seulgi pinched Yeri's forearm to remind the latter to shut her mouth. "Thanks. For this."

 

He walked out, and the bell rang again, signalling his exit.

 

"Oh my god, I was telling you to stop talking about this _Seob_ the entire time," Seulgi whined. "Now he's probably fucking sad.  _Great."_

 

"I didn't know they were broken up," Yeri complained, rubbing at the sore spot on her arm, where it was red and slightly throbbing. God, Seulgi never held back when she pinched people. "You read what he wrote, didn't you? What did he say?"

 

"I don't know, I just-- It's really personal."

 

And while Yeri was most of the time someone who wouldn't give up until she got what she wanted, she stopped as soon as she saw the expression on her friend's face. She didn't have to ask-- she just knew. Pain could never stay secret.

 

That day, a new combination of flowers were added to the display front of the store, placed higher than any other bouquets, a shock of blandness in a sea of colors. But maybe that was what made it so special-- everyone who saw it knew that it meant something, that it brought volumes of stories and memories to back it up. And maybe the next time the red headed stranger came round for their anniversary, he'd be glad to know that he inspired the name of this particular arrangement-- ' _Autumn's Lover'._

 

Because he was beautiful, and because he was dying each second, piece by piece.

 

He was willing himself to wilt, to die away, for a lover who will never return.

 

Autumn's Lover-- the saddest one there ever was.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

Maybe a part of him was still hoping that Seob would return.

 

Maybe, maybe,  _maybe._

 

 

 

 

 

He didn't come. And it wasn't as though Woojin was surprised-- he'd expected this. So he walked. He walked to the once place Seob would always be.  _You loved me so much_ , Woojin whispered to himself in his head,  _you loved me so fucking much even flowers bloomed in the saddest parts of me_.

 

He knelt down before the grey slab of stone, and cursed the skies for how clear they were. "You loved me so fucking much," he forced out through his gritted teeth, no matter how painful it was, each stab opening a fresh wound across his heart and mind, "you had nothing left to save yourself." He swallowed his agonized scream as the flowers fell onto the grass, a few of its petals scattering around the grave. Woojin let out a shaky breath and moved closer on his knees, pressing his cheek on the tombstone. "You loved me so much... you forgave me."

 

A tear slid down the stone, then in the next second he was breaking down uncontrollably, a year's worth of sadness spilling down from his eyes. The muscle in his chin trembled as he sobbed in a fit of rage. There was nothing beautiful about this scene. His lover had died. He was alone.

 

There was no beauty, because Seob had taken that away when he left.

 

He screamed like he was being staked through the heart, like his limbs were being ripped from his body. He shouted like he was drowning, and water was rushing to fill the space in his lungs. He howled because it fucking  _hurt_. Because, for some reason, every time he came here, it felt like the first time he'd found out what happened to Hyungseob. It felt like the first time everything made sense. Life was all about discovering and finding answers, and no words to describe how torturous it was when Woojin realized that the first answer he'd discovered on his own, was the reason why he'd never feel happiness without being accompanied by sorrow anymore.

 

Grief surged with every expelled breath, always reaching higher peaks, never sufficiently brought down by his long intakes of the dry Autumn air. His gaze fell from bloom to bloom, the flowers that were lying useless on the ground. In that moment, the knowledge that life would go on without Hyungseob by his side, that time only stopped in Woojin's little, insignificant world, undid him completely. Again. All pretence of quiet coping these past few years were torn down brick by brick from his exterior, leaving only a fragile, nineteen year old boy behind with thoughts that were beyond his age clinging on to his brain.

 

He'd lost his soulmate.

 

No, he'd lost his soul. How was he supposed to pick up his pieces when half of them had died? Fucking gone with the wind?

 

The world turned into a blur, and so did the sounds, because all he wanted to see was Hyungseob.

 

All he'd wanted to see was what he'd lost. He didn't come. He never came back for Woojin.  _I love you,_ the words came out as pain, pain and more pain from his throat. It was a form of a silent uproar, a cry for help.

 

"I love you!" he yelled to the unforgiving, cold hard stone underneath his fingers. "I  _fucking love you_."  _But only after you died_. Those words died away on his lips.

 

He'd seen the movies, and the shows. They never truly cried. There wasn't any weight on their chest to lock in their throats, no real pain at the back of their minds that could be brought forth by the slightest reminder. The little crystals they shed were nothing compared to what Woojin let out.

 

_Have they felt pain like I have?_

 

_Have they lost part of themselves with it?_

 

 _I live,_ Woojin stuttered to himself,  _I live because I'm punishing myself. Why do those actors live? Because then they'll get to cry in the movies again? As a different person each time?_

 

Woojin experienced pain with every single second he chose to continue living. All as the same person. There was just so much suffering a person can take, and Woojin was filled with it from head to toe.

 

"It was me."

 

No one was listening to confession. No one who mattered, anyway.

 

 _Fuck_.

 

The card that was clipped onto the bouquet came into his vision as he furiously wiped away his tears. Hot, white rage burned in him as he read the three words written on it. He could write a million letters to Seob, each one the same as the last in terms of sentiment and cadence. But they would stay the same, unread by anyone other than Woojin, only in word arrangements and choices did they alter every time. It all came down to one thing, and it didn't matter how many ways or times Woojin wrote it--  _I miss you. You should be here_. Fucking cliched lines Woojin used to hate.

 

Now he understood them.

 

His heart was missing an integral piece, a part of him that kept it working correctly before.

 

_Fuck. If only we could love someone back to life._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****** HYUNGSEOB'S STORY IS NOT OVER YET, YOU MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT BE READING FROM WOOJIN'S POV AGAIN IN FUTURE CHAPTERS HE PLAYS A BIG PART IN NIELWINK'S PAST <3 ******
> 
> i'm back back back!!!!!!!! how was this chapter lol guys comment more or i'll seriously get mad and kill. like, just give me some sign that y'all are alive and breathing and reading <33
> 
> this is long overdue but i keep forgetting her hard work and putting up with my shit --> THANK YOU TO MY BETA THXNXJK she's cuddly go chec her out
> 
> these few days i have been using twt to freak my readers out by suddenly dm-ing them lmfao sorry to whoever is a victim!!
> 
> find me on twt @nwspoiltmilk
> 
> ps. no one from the nw gc is allowed to comment thanks peeps!!!


	7. I'll color me blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first up, what the fuck, jihoon?

" _Samuel_ ," Jihoon breathed out exasperatedly as soon as he came back from his classes on Monday. His best friend looked up from his laptop, but not for long. "Just  _why_ are you mad at me?"

 

Samuel did look at him, but this time with a puzzled expression, confusion forcing one eyebrow up high. "I'm not mad at you, I'm just writing. You know how I am when I write-- I don't like being distracted until I'm finished. You're a writer and you should know that feeling better than I do," he said and turned away, fingers flying all over the keyboard again. That sounded like a plausible explanation, but the way Samuel was speaking... it was wrong. He was angry, and the words just came out too quickly.

 

At least Jihoon could cross out the possibility that Samuel was mad at him. He never lied to Jihoon, so that was comforting to know.

 

But still, ever since they came to university, Jihoon could feel them growing apart. No, just-- growing  _out_ of who they were before. They were changing, and that was obvious with Samuel. He was less wittier than before, more quiet and definitely drained out most of the time. He was usually charged with so much energy, Jihoon couldn't believe that he'd missed this big shift in the younger boy's personality. Routinely, he peeled off his jacket and put his bag down carefully before he moved to Samuel's bed, planting himself down with force then inching closer to his best friend's warmth.

 

"Is something wrong?"

 

"Jihoon," Samuel gritted, "I'm  _writing_. Get off my bed."

 

"I just-- I just want to know if there's anything you want to tell me," Jihoon said softly, but not meekly, as he rested his hand on Samuel's shoulder, squeezing the tight knot of muscles there.

 

The younger boy rolled his eyes and set his laptop down beside him then shrugged off Jihoon's hand without a care, annoyance pinching his face.

 

It didn't strike Jihoon that Samuel was moving to  _get out the room_ until the latter was putting on his jacket, mouth pursed into a straight line and eyes focused ahead, deliberately ignoring Jihoon's presence.

 

"Sam--"

 

" _Stop_ , Jihoon. Why do you keep trying to get your nose into my business? I'm just tired and I want to finish this chapter as quickly as I can before I head in for a nap, okay?" His features softened and melted into a slight, small smile (that was clearly forced) when he saw the look on Jihoon's face. "This is just really stressing me out. Sometimes."

 

 _You're lying. This is wrong_.

 

Jihoon wanted to point that out to Samuel, wanted to throw himself between the boy and the door to prevent Samuel from walking out without a proper fight when realization dawned on him that he'd done the same.

 

They both lied. To each other. And that was something they didn't do before. They were always completely honest with each other because they knew that neither one of them would judge. No, that was just on Jihoon's side. At that time of his life, when Daniel abandoned him and his parents trapped and cornered him into this  _place_ that was dark and grimy, the only thing he could look forward to was seeing Samuel. The latter had let Jihoon yell at him to his heart's content, because he knew that the older boy needed it. He'd let Jihoon push him around and blame, because he knew that the older boy had too much on his shoulders.

 

So they shared the burden Jihoon had carried.

 

Jihoon let him into his life and somehow, someway, the younger boy still found him beautiful after all that he'd seen of Jihoon. All the pain and ugliness and craziness that made up who Jihoon was.

 

And now they were lying.

 

And Jihoon didn't move to block him from the door because he knew that if he did, he'd end up kissing Samuel. He didn't want to do that-- leading Samuel into a dead end. Maybe this was the most selfish thing to do, but Jihoon realized why he couldn't fall in love with the younger boy.

 

He didn't want to lose a friend.  _No--_ he didn't want to lose the only person he could blame whenever he came across trouble along his path.

 

Samuel was changing. He was smaller somehow. Maybe he was suffering from all the pressure that had shifted onto his shoulders instead. Jihoon didn't move. He could save this, he was a hundred percent sure he could, but he didn't want to. Instead, he fisted Samuel's sheets in his hand and looked down. Wordlessly, Samuel moved closer to Jihoon, only to reach past the older boy and pick his laptop up. He tucked it under his arm and sighed.

 

"I'll be back."

 

"Okay," Jihoon sounded.

 

"I'll be late, so... don't wait for me, yeah?"

 

The moment Samuel's hand closed around the knob, however, a series of knocks reached Jihoon's ears, loud and clear. When the younger boy opened it, Jihoon curved his neck around to catch a glimpse of this guy. Neither one of them had someone they knew close enough to invite over, and Jihoon was sure none of his " _friends_ " would want to see him again, not after what a boring person he'd been at the party.

 

Apparently he was wrong. Guanlin stood at the door, smiling subtly and politely at Samuel, his head just a few inches away from hitting the doorframe. He was holding a pile of books in his hands and he had a bag slung casually over one shoulder, looking very much in place in this  _chaebol-_ infested university. Samuel looked back.

 

"You know this guy?"

 

Jihoon swallowed the vomit that had rushed up his throat and nodded anyway. Samuel did, too, and headed out without another word.

 

 _I'm sorry_ , Jihoon screamed after him. But only in his head. He sucked in a breath and held it in his mouth, counting down to zero from ten to calm himself down. He released the fistful of sheets he had in his hand and looked up to meet Guanlin in the eyes.

 

He was leaning against the frame like he belonged there, like he'd been here before.  _He probably has_ , Jihoon thought bitterly to himself _, all the dorms look alike in this building and I'd be surprised if he hadn't been with a freshman or two before. Maybe even more._ Guanlin smiled at him and stared back. His limbs were all long and beautifully crafted. Jihoon could tell even if the tall boy was hidden under layers of clothing. They way he carried himself... it was clear he came from an affluent family. Jihoon had been around a lot of tall, gangly guys with limbs as long as Guanlin's but they weren't this graceful or practiced. They were clumsy and tangly and they seemed disconnected with their arms and legs somehow.

 

"Jihoon, are you going to invite me in or what?"

 

"I'll let you come in after you tell me why you're here."

 

To his surprise, Guanlin did as he was told. He stayed at the same spot and opened his mouth to speak. "Korean. Minki told me that you could help me improve my proficiency in it. Besides, you know English."

 

"So does Minki."

 

The older guy clicked his tongue. "That's right, but it's hard to find a time slot in his schedule when he's free and not making out or doing other things with Dongho."

 

Jihoon pinched his nose bridge and tilted his head upwards, taking in another deep breath. "How do you even know I live here?"

 

"Again, your best friend told me."

 

"Samuel?" Jihoon immediately responded, not giving it a second thought. It was clear that his mind was still reeling from the minor fight--  _argument?--_ they had before Guanlin came over. If he  _was_ thinking right, he wouldn't have mentioned another guy when Guanlin was around.

 

"No, Minki. Was that Samuel? Your roommate? Your just-friend?" Guanlin pried.

 

"Yeah," Jihoon let out, flinching from the  _just-friend_ part of Guanlin's comment. He stood up and started to clear his table, tucking the eleven reasons book somewhere safe and secret so that the younger guy wouldn't accidentally pick it up in the middle of studying.  _If_ he was here for studying. "Come in. You can sit at my desk. I'm not sure if Samuel would let you use his place."

 

Guanlin grinned widely, displaying his gummy smile proudly as he took a step into the room, before he turned back to the door. "Do you want me to leave it open? If it makes you feel more comfortable, I don't mind." Jihoon refrained himself from stating that he didn't ask Guanlin if he was okay with anything, much less cared about the older guy's preferences. He pursed his lips.

 

Jihoon walked towards the taller guy and peered outside. A small crowd was already gathering in the hallway, some girls Jihoon had never seen before wandering about aimlessly, probably here to catch a glance of Guanlin's handsome face. He sighed and shut the door in their faces. "Your girlfriends seem feral."

 

The older guy laughed lightly and settled himself at Jihoon's desk. The latter noticed how Guanlin didn't deny the  _girlfriends_ part.  _Asshole_ , he thought to himself. "Yeah, well, I wasn't that interested in boys up until a few days ago," he said breezily, looking at Jihoon straight in the eyes.

 

"Must be a pretty boy, then. You like collecting pretty things, don't you?"

 

Jihoon's mind flashed back to the scene at the party. Guanlin kissing a gorgeous girl-- woman, actually-- and then having the nerves to seek Jihoon out at the back porch to flirt with him.  _You're prett_ _ier_ , Guanlin's voice whispered into his eyes again, the memory still unwilling as ever to detach from his thoughts.  _He had definitely done this before. Flirting. Charming. Smilng his way into everyone's good graces. Fuck him_.

 

Surprisingly, Guanlin's features moved to arrange themselves into an expression that Jihoon couldn't comprehend. The latter warned himself not to try.

 

It happened the same way each time. Jihoon had fallen for boys of the Kang Daniel-type more times that he could count. Boys like Daniel were a hurricane of emotions. On the surface, they're always joking and flirting and concerned for your well-being, but all they want to do is pull you into their vortex, tear past your walls until all that was left of you when you came out were old scars layered by new ones. Every time one of them came into Jihoon's vision, he could feel their winds whipping and testing his core. As tempting as it was to jump in, to take up the challenge of surviving them, it always ended up in a fight Jihoon never won. It was emotionally depleting and Jihoon had decided that he couldn't do it anymore.

 

"I'm sorry you had to see that," Guanlin finally decided on saying.

 

"It's fine. Not that I care about it anyway. You're old enough to mess around." He started to tidy up his own bed, even though it didn't need any cleaning up.

 

"So are you."

 

Jihoon turned his eyes to Guanlin. The latter had already been fixing his gaze on the younger boy, and the way he was looking at Jihoon shifted something uncomfortable in him. "What are you trying to imply?"

 

Something flashed in Guanlin's eyes and he shook his head, playing a small smile on his lips. "Nothing," he breathed. "Let's start, yeah?"

 

"Your Korean sounds perfected already. Why do you still want these classes?"

 

"I could go if you're busy today," Gualin said. "I'm sorry I didn't contact you beforehand-- Minki did give me your number as well, but I didn't want you to feel like you're having your privacy invaded. Do you? We could go somewhere else or I could leave if you want. I know it was rude of me to come here without any permission," he spoke quietly. "I'm sorry," he added after a while. He was rubbing at the back of his neck as though feeling embarrassed.

 

"No, I mean-- I was just curious," Jihoon replied, choosing the words off the tip of his tongue. He was going to avoid the  _Guanlin getting his information from Minki_ part as long as he could. He was still a little shaken up from his conversation with Samuel earlier, and it was best not to talk about anything he was sensitive about until he calmed down a little.

 

Guanlin took out a pen and spun it between his long, slender fingers, licking his lips. "I can understand it well enough to get good grades in my classes, but the way I speak... it sounds a little awkward."

 

 _It sounds fine_ , Jihoon wanted to say, but kept in his mouth. "Okay, fine. What do you want to start with?" he asked, climbing onto his bed and arranging himself into a comfortable position, surrounded by his striped sheets.

 

"Let's ask each others questions in Korean. _Informally._ It'll be like getting to know each other at the same time. Is that okay with you?" Jihoon nodded. Guanlin smiled, and the younger boy immediately felt something cold slinking down his spine as he thought that maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Guanlin looked like he already had a list of questions written down for him. "What's your favorite color?"

 

"Easy-- pink."

 

"Pink?" Guanlin asked, pressing down on his bottom lip with his teeth as he tried to reign in his mirth and laughter. Jihoon's mouth dropped open but no words came out. A dark pink flooded into his cheeks and the older guy leaned in, moving the chair closer to Jihoon. "You're cute." For a moment, Jihoon did nothing but stared into Guanlin's wide, doe-like eyes. He was really beautiful. No, not beautiful.  _Weird_. But not in a bad way, either. Guanlin was just something in his own league. He was all things mixed into one big masterpiece. Like a painting, ripped at the edges but still more artistic than any other art. "Your turn to ask a question."

 

"I don't think this is going to help you get any better at Korean but-- are you okay with personal questions?"

 

Guanlin leaned back into the chair and nodded once. "Sure."

 

"Why do you hate Daniel?"

 

" _Wow_ , okay. Going straight to the point, are you?" The older boy saw Jihoon opening his mouth to apologize and he raised his hand up to stop the latter from doing so. "It's okay," he chuckled. "I'm really fine with answering that. It's not even a special story, if that's what you're looking for. It's just-- any other teenage drama story. Except, it happened when I was in my first year here. I liked this girl from my Econs class  _a lot_ , and when I first became friends with her, I thought that it would be safe to bring her to one of our gatherings.  _Our_ as in Daniel, Jisung, Dongho and Seongwoo. Just like any other person in their right mind would do, she set her eyes on Daniel right away."

 

Jihoon could tell where this was going. Guanlin wasn't kidding when he said that his story was typical.

 

The taller guy shrugged and looked at his fingers, fiddling with them on his lap. "I mean, I can't blame her. Daniel's really charming. But I actually thought that I'd be safe, considering the fact that Daniel and Seongwoo were dating at that time."

 

Jihoon snapped to attention, his back straightening. He didn't know about this.

 

"Well... I was wrong. I don't need to elaborate on the rest of the story, do I?" Guanlin laughed nervously, mussing up a side of his hair like he was trying to get rid of his frustration by doing that. His eyes were still sad. "I don't really know why I still hate Daniel. It's been years, a year an a half at least. I just-- maybe it has something to do with the fact that I was still young at that time? I don't know," he admitted exasperatedly. "First times are memories that last a lifetime and that might be my first major heartbreak. That's the only explanation I have for that."

 

 _First times_. Jihoon understood Guanlin. The things you experienced and went through in your childhood years definitely stood out more to you as you grow older. He didn't know why, that was just the way it was.

 

"My turn," Guanlin said, sucking in a breath. "Was Daniel your first time and is that why you hate him so much?"

 

The red from Jihoon's cheeks spread even further, invading the tips of his ears. Guanlin laughed. " _No,"_ he sputtered. " _No!_ We weren't-- we didn't--"

 

"Really? Because that's what we all assumed. Daniel isn't really very informative about your relationship with him."

 

"Of course I'm sure!" Jihoon exclaimed quickly. He buried his face into his hands and groaned. "Tell them it isn't true, please," he whined through the gaps of his fingers. He felt someone shifting closer to him. In a second, Guanlin's fingers were stroking the back of his head, feeling around his soft, dark locks. Jihoon let him do it, because he didn't think much of what it could possibly mean. He was generally okay with touches (hell, he  _loved_ skinship) and interaction with people he wasn't even that close with, but just not Daniel. And Guanlin wasn't Daniel.

 

At least, not as far as Jihoon could tell.

 

"So you're a virgin? A prude?"

 

"Oh my fuck-- of course not! It's just.  _Not with Daniel_ ," Jihoon hissed the last part as he lifted his head up to look at Guanlin. The latter retracted his hand from the back of Jihoon's flushed neck and he cocked his head, grinning at the embarrassed boy.

 

"Alright, so you're not a prude. Why do you hate Daniel?"

 

Jihoon, having seemingly forgotten about the one question per person rule, let himself sink into his thoughts, trying to find a specific reason as to why he hated Daniel so much. But to be honest, most of them were labelled as invalid and got chucked away as he grew older, as he felt himself mature along with the passing time.  _Do I hate him_ _?_ _Now that I've lost most of the reasons why I hate_ _d him_ _?_

 

There was one. But it was too personal. And it wasn't just Daniel's fault-- Jihoon shared that burden as well. There was no way anyone could know about it. And it wasn't even a reason for Jihoon to hate him, it was just a secret that made Jihoon  _uncomfortable_ around Daniel. Guilty. It was as though he was still four years old, caught by his mum with a hand stuck in the cookie jar.

 

"You don't have to answer that if you don't want to," Guanlin assured him. "I'm sorry if I brought back some unwanted memories."

 

"It's fine, it's not even anything big," Jihoon tried with a smile. "I know I hate him, but I'm not exactly sure why."

 

Something changed--  _flickered--_ behind Guanlin's gaze. He was still smiling, but it looked crooked, like he wasn't sure whether to continue smiling or not. Jihoon decided not to question it even though it was sort of creeping him out. Guanlin looked torn and broken in a way Jihoon couldn't describe. Sometimes, you would meet a person and just know that something was off about them without even knowing what, and that was exactly how Jihoon always felt around the tall boy. The air around Guanlin was different, the way he smiled was wrong, the way he spoke was too careful to be humanly.  _Ethereal?_

 

The sunlight flooded in through the windows and highlighted some parts of Guanlin's hair light brown.  _No,_ Jihoon thought to himself _._ Guanlin was the type of person who couldn't be pinned down and labelled with one word.

 

Jihoon worried his bottom lip till it turned a furious red as he stared at the boy sitting across him. His instincts were pulling at his limbs, his thoughts, willing him to push Guanlin away. This guy... he was hiding something, but then again, everyone did. Everyone had things stored in them that they didn't want to reveal to the rest of the world.

 

Guanlin flashed Jihoon a crooked smile before he looked around the room, scanning through Jihoon's belongings like it was amusing to be in a freshman's room.

 

He was a painting.

 

He was  _in_ the painting. Something made for people to look at, to admire and marvel at. Guanlin was a person imprisoned inside an all-too perfect body, and while the fact that his heartbreak over the girl from his past told Jihoon that he'd had an easy life, the younger boy knew that things weren't as simple as they looked.

 

Jihoon had warned himself not to get to close people like Guanlin ( _the wolf type)_ but a tiny part of him wanted to crawl closer, to inspect Guanlin up-close and personal. He wanted to see the cracks in his perfection.

 

Jihoon wanted to color himself blue with Guanlin's worries.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel was worried. He'd been so lost and busy with constructing all the different ways this one visit could go wrong that he was surprised by how far he'd come. After a brief moment of hesitation, Daniel conceded to the glare the guard was sending in his way and wrote down his name in the guest book, then proceeded to hand in his identity card. Reaching into his bag, he pulled out his student id as well and slid it across the counter towards the sour-faced man. Only then was he given the permission to head into the building.

 

He took in a deep breath and forced himself to walk into the dormitory, all the while ignoring the constant, annoying buzzing that was coming from his bag. Judging by how persistent the sender was, Daniel guessed that it might be Jisung and tucked the matter safely in the back of his head.

 

When the elevator doors opened to Jihoon's floor, Daniel took a step out and glanced around nervously. It wasn't his first time here, of course, but then again, it had been a  _long long time_ since he visited and haunted these familiar halls again. Earlier today, after Daniel was done with his only class, he managed to catch Dongho outside the older guy's department and in time, he successfully weaseled Jihoon's dorm room number from Dongho (indirectly via Minki). 

 

As he was marching in the direction of Jihoon's room, however, he caught sight of the last person he would want to see being around the younger guy.

 

" _Guanlin?"_ he couldn't help but let slip when he saw Guanlin towering over Jihoon's shorter self, as though they were going to kiss. In the fucking public. With spectators scattered around, all wanting in on the latest gossip.  _He wouldn't_ , Daniel told himself.  _He would_ , another voice whispered.

 

The taller guy turned around and caught sight of Daniel, then said something to Jihoon that might have been a goodbye. He walked towards Daniel, a smirk plastered on his face. He stopped before Daniel and schooled his expression into a gentle, pitying expression that only fueled Daniel's anger even further. "Hyung, don't get angry alright? You  _did_ tell me once that all I'd ever get in life are your hand me downs. I guess that includes your exes as well," he said, acid burning through his words rapidly. He patted Daniel on the shoulder then walked away.

 

Daniel's eyes were fixed on the ground and he was sure that the veins on his neck were bulging, because he could hear his own blood pounding in his ears. When he looked up, he realized that Jihoon was waiting for him.

 

 _Fuck you_ , he hissed in his brain.

 

He stormed in Jihoon's direction and made sure none of his anger showed in his features.

 

He wasn't even sure if it was anger he was feeling. No, it definitely wasn't anger. It was a feeling he was familiar with, a feeling that dug deep into the chest of fucked-up memories and incidences he kept piled up in himself, stuff he didn't want to think about.  _Hurt_. The moment his brain acknowledged the hurt that impaled his shitty excuse for a heart was the moment it flashed across his face. He'd let down his guard.

 

He was tearing up.

 

And from Jihoon's point of view, he probably seemed like a fucking crazy asshole who started crying whenever he felt like it.

 

There weren't many times when Daniel would admit that he wanted  _out_ of something, but there was nothing he wanted to do more than run away now.  _Fuck you, Park Jihoon_. It wasn't as though Daniel didn't know-- or had an inkling of-- what Jihoon thought about him. A heartless jerk who came in with an objective none other than to hurt Jihoon so much, the latter would carry the heartbreak for the rest of his life. An asshole who couldn't care less about how much hatred and agony he left in the traces of his footsteps. And Daniel was so sick of that.

 

He was so tired.

 

Maybe--  _definitely--_ what he did was wrong, but maybe if people cared a little more, tried a little harder to figure out why Daniel turned out so fucked-up, he wouldn't be so misunderstood all the time. But no, everything was just Daniel's issue. Daniel's problem. Daniel's fault.

 

A broken boy with dreams he was restricted from chasing wasn't what people saw. They choose to scrape the surface and remain playing in the shallow waters instead. They were afraid. Afraid to dive deeper and find out that the hurt and pain they felt trapping them was shared by Daniel as well. They didn't want to understand him as another person who'd made mistakes before. They needed someone to blame, someone to call  _monster._

 

_Fuck you, Park Jihoon, do you know how much I hurt because of you?_

 

He took a step closer.

 

_Fuck you, Park Jihoon, do you know how much sleep I lose worrying about you?_

 

Daniel fixed on a smile.

 

 _Fuck you, Park Jihoon._ The words rumbled deep in his very being and shook him off balance from the core. Jihoon was a fucking natural disaster tearing apart Daniel's world without even trying.  _Do you know how much I regret meeting you?_

 

At this point, Daniel was sure that he looked like a crazy bitch. He was crying-- not really, but he felt the tears coming-- and smiling at the same time.

 

"Are you okay?" Jihoon asked.

 

"Why wouldn't I be?" Daniel had meant for it to come out playfully, but the more time he spent in close vicinity to Park Jihoon, the more he felt his resentment growing out of his control.

 

Jihoon frowned and hovered at his doorway for a few seconds like he was trying to figure something out before ducking back into his room without uttering another word. When he reappeared, he was holding out a hand to Daniel, an umbrella clenched tightly in it. When Daniel's eyes landed on Jihoon's fingers, he was sure there was nothing he wouldn't trade in the world just to hold Jihoon's hand in his again. He swallowed it down and inched forward to retrieve the item awkwardly, moving in sudden juts and steps like a rusty robot made up of scrap metal.

 

"I'm sorry," Daniel suddenly said.

 

He saw the way Jihoon jerked back and almost hit the door with his left elbow, but managed to regain control over his limbs just in time. A shadow passed over Jihoon's usually bright eyes and Daniel shrunk back like he'd done something wrong.

 

 _God, what the fuck is wrong with me?_ Daniel had been acting like a pussy these past few days--  _weeks--_ since he'd first encountered Jihoon in the cafe and he was sick of feeling uselessly inept at handling and gathering his balls back to where they belong.

 

"For what?"

 

"Huh?"

 

"I said, for what?" Jihoon sighed in frustration and blew his bangs out his eyes before explaining it word to word, "What are you apologizing for?  _Which_ incident are you saying sorry for?"

 

"I don't know," Daniel said dumbly. "I just--  _I'm sorry_. Can I come in? I want to have a talk with you and there's too many people around us."

 

Jihoon's fingers moved to the doorknob and tightened around it. "No. I'm not going to let you in."

 

"Why?" Daniel hated the way he sounded-- he sounded like a kicked, sick puppy lying on the side of the road. He sounded  _small_.

 

"We can have this talk another time if you find it unimportant enough to be brushed off so easily," Jihoon reasoned.

 

"You let Guanlin in," Daniel argued (and he wasn't really sure why he was arguing like a spoiled, young brat), "he was  _in_ your room." Actually, Daniel didn't see Guanlin inside with his own eyes, but he was sure he'd hit the mark when Jihoon didn't turn into a blushing, sputtering mess or rush to correct Daniel's words.

 

"That shouldn't matter to you," Jihoon said coldly.

 

And suddenly, Daniel didn't want to be there anymore. He didn't want to be breathing so closely to the boy anymore, or indulge in his overwhelming urge to lick Jihoon's lips or entwine their fingers together. He still wanted to be  _there_ , next to Jihoon, but not like this.

 

Not when Jihoon clearly just had sex with his nemesis.

 

Not when he wasn't on the receiving end of Jihoon's trust.

 

And maybe he'd never earn that back. Maybe they'd stay like this forever. And maybe,  _just maybe_ , it'd be better this way-- for things to remain unsolved between the both of them. Daniel didn't want to hurt Jihoon unintentionally and he was sure Jihoon didn't want to be hurt by Daniel either.

 

So.

 

"You're right," Daniel said. "It shouldn't matter to me."

 

_So why does it hurt me so?_

 

"Thanks for this." Daniel shoved the umbrella into his bag and turned to walk away without bidding Jihoon goodbye.

 

Life fucking sucked.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Samuel came back late. Again.

 

And Jihoon didn't bother going for dinner earlier, because he'd been feeling numb for the entire day. Drained. And he had two major assignments to finish.  _Great_.

 

"Let's go down to the cafeteria," Samuel said, leaning against the door without bothering to change or shower. "I know you haven't eaten, Park Jihoon." Jihoon looked up from his books and stared at his friend dubiously. "Come on, I'm sorry for being crabby earlier. Let's go eat and you can tell me all about your latest hook up, yeah?"

Lured and tempted by the thought of eating after being cooped up in the room for such a long time, Jihoon tore himself away from the tasks at hand to grab only his jacket and phone before following Samuel to the cafeteria silently.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When they got there, Jihoon was shocked by how many people were still strolling about at the tables, before heading straight towards his favorite stall. The sandwich and soup place. After satisfying himself by choosing the bowl of mushroom soup and chicken ham sandwich, he brought his tray of food back to the table where Samuel was already seated, laptop out and typing away.

 

"You shouldn't work too hard on it. Get some rest," he offered.

 

Samuel flashed him a small smile before his eyes traveled back to the screen. "Nah, I'll be done soon. Just replying to the earlier commenters before I log off for the day," he replied, half-distracted, scooping a meatball into his mouth and missing. He pulled back, surprised, before shoving it past his lips again. There was something about the way that he refused to meet Jihoon's eyes that told the latter what Samuel  _really_ wanted to know.

 

"Ask away," he sighed, falling into his best friend's trap again.

 

"Who was that?" Samuel shot right away, not even bothering to hide the fact that he'd probably taken Jihoon out of the dorm just to hear about Jihoon's (almost non-existent) social life.

 

"Guanlin. A friend of my friend's."

 

"Just a friend of your friend," Samuel repeated. "And you let him into our room just like that? I call bullshit. But congratulations, Park Jihoon."

 

"What for?"

 

"For getting laid."

 

" _God, fuck_ I  _knew_ you were going to say that. We didn't fuck, okay? He was just over to hang out and stuff," Jihoon quickly jumped to his own defense. He stole a fry from Samuel's tray and pushed it into his mouth before swallowing another mouthful of soup down. He hadn't fully gained back his appetite, but he figured that stuffing his own face was probably better (and less embarrassing) than answering the questions Samuel had in store. 

 

Samuel hummed. "Yeah? Is his dick bigger than Daniel's?"

 

Jihoon sputtered and held a stack of napkins to his lips before he could spray it all over Samuel's shit eating grin. "We  _didn't fuck_ ," he hissed.

 

"You don't have to be fucking to see people's dicks, Jihoon. Honestly, are you a kid? I was talking about dick pics."

 

"I'm sorry but unlike your sex-deprived ass, I don't take nude pictures of myself and distribute them all over the net."

 

"Really," his friend said flatly as though he didn't believe Jihoon's words. "Let's not talk about my hobbies now. Let's talk about this guy. Big dick guy number two--"

 

" _Guanlin_."

 

Samuel looked taken aback by how Jihoon just rudely cut in while he was speaking but recovered quickly enough. He leaned forward. "So. Guanlin. I cannot believe that  _you_ , Park Jihoon, prude of the fucking century, let a  _fuckboy_ into our room just like that. Really, Jihoon? Do you have a thing for fuckboys and STDs or what?"

 

"For the last time," Jihoon gritted as he took a bite out of his sandwich, "we didn't do anything besides talking. And anyway, how would you know if anyone was a fuckboy or not?"

 

"Listen closely and open your ears, little un', I'm about to pass down my ample knowledge of fuckboys to you." Before Jihoon could turn him down with a simple 'no thanks', Samuel opened his mouth to intercept whatever Jihoon was about to say. "It's their body language-- the way they walk, the way they talk, the way they look at people around them as though they're wolves selecting their dinner. Every fuckboy has their own style of flirting or approaching their target, of course, and for Guanlin, it's  _empathy_. Let me ask you something-- and you have to answer as honestly as possible-- have you ever empathized with or pitied Guanlin?"

 

Jihoon remained silent and Samuel leaned back triumphantly. "Thought so."

 

"How do you even  _know_ these things?" Jihoon asked, a sense of dread sinking its claws around his brain. His mind was doing everything it can to assure Jihoon that  _Guanlin isn't Daniel_.

 

"Jihoon," Samuel said, completely serious, "I'm not saying this because--"

 

 _Because you like me_ , Jihoon screamed in his mind. Somewhere deep down in him, a dark, twisted feeling wrenched his guts and told him that Samuel was saying all of this just to make sure no one could have Jihoon but himself alone.

 

"I just,"-- he took in a deep breath-- "I don't want the same thing to happen to you anymore. The way you looked at Guanlin this morning... it was how you looked at Daniel. He's probably just  _acting_ , you know? Coming up with sob stories and all that shit. Putting on the 'I actually care about your feelings and how you want things to go' act."

 

Jihoon's grip tightened on his sandwich and he picked the crust off bit by bit just to have something to do with his hands. "He isn't Daniel," he fought back weakly. "He's caring. And nice."

 

" _Jihoon_ ," Samuel sighed. He closed his laptop and took some time trying to tuck it back into his bag before sitting up straight and looking Jihoon straight in the eyes again. "You think he's charming, don't you? One moment he's someone you think you got figured out, and the next he's showing you a side of him you've never seen before. He's tall. Freakishly handsome.  _Smart_. All of these... doesn't he remind you of someone?" he asked with a desperate tone, practically  _pleading_ for Jihoon to understand. Jihoon knew he did. He knew what Samuel was getting at, but he wasn't sure if...

 

He didn't know who to believe.

 

"If you're not going to think about it, then let me tell you this-- you don't like Guanlin. You like  _Daniel_. You're making Guanlin into everything you see him as because you're still hung up on Daniel. But this one... you're lying to yourself if you think you can fall in love together with Guanlin and make it out alive without a broken heart."

 

 

 

 

 

That night, Jihoon took a break from studying and padded as silently as he could to the window, careful not to disturb a sleeping Samuel.

 

It was fall.

 

But the night was as pretty as ever. It was a blanket of darkness but light still shone through in the form of constellations and stars and the moon. Jihoon pressed his fingertips against the cool glass, trying to brush off the feeling like he was acting in some melodrama series as the  _woe be me_ protagonist.

 

The one who could never make up their mind.

 

Though he sure felt like one.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel was angry. He was drinking. He was looking at the stars.

 

He'd always been one for stargazing. He'd loved it since he was a child left to his own devices because his parents were always " _too busy_ " to care for him. He'd never had the experience of stargazing  _professionally_  with a telescope, but since he met Jihoon, he was sure he didn't need one anymore.

 

On nights when they were out together, curled up in each others' arms, gazes fixed on the bright points illuminating the blanket of dark, dark blue. And suddenly, Daniel just--  _stopped_. As though he was a machine that could be turned off and on to anyone's liking, not a breathing, living being. He glanced up at the silver glow of the moon and smiled. His worries burned away, and even if the bliss of having no burdens at all was only temporary, Daniel needed it more than anything else he could wish for right then. Under the protection of the stars above him, Daniel let the tears that were collecting at the corners of his eyes melt down his face.

 

He could only think about Jihoon.

 

He saw the boy through hot, dancing licks of flames. It happened during a late bonfire session by the beach not long after they met. Daniel saw the way Jihoon was staring at the stars with such intensity, you'd think that they were having a conversation.

 

And what with how much Jihoon's eyes sparkled... Daniel was half convinced that the night sky was a mirror of the galaxies trapped in Jihoon's eyes.

 

Daniel fixed his riveting gaze on the brightest star that night.

 

_Jihoon, are you looking at this too?_

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

After a long time of searching, Jihoon found it at last. It appeared to be winking at Jihoon every time he looked. As if it knew something he didn't. The real night cowered behind a mask of inky black, but somehow, these stars still shone. Beneath them, Jihoon's walls crumbled into dust at his feet. He could almost pretend there was no one in the room but him. No one in the  _world_ but him.

 

Across the constellations spanning the sky, Jihoon knew he'd be looking at this too.

 

_Have you found it yet? I have._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm really, really sorry for the lack of updates! I'll be facing a big exam in a week's time and I have to study and write at the same time so it took longer than expected. I've been really busy with school and stuff (and that's why I couldn't reply to all the comments left by you guys in the last chap) BUT I promise I'll be back in... two weeks? Maybe even less!! I really miss writing and after I'm done with this big exam, I'll be free for at least five fucking months.
> 
> Expect long updates every three days (or weekly, lol).
> 
> please leave comments and kudos and bookmarks! They really cheer me up and motivate me to do better! Now that I'm really caught up in my shit, it's going to take me some time to respond to all of you, so I'll be selective for the next week and reply to questions about parts you're confused with. I hope you guys are okay with that!
> 
> i really love y'all and every comment/kudo means a lot to me hehe :>>> I can't wait to get to the end of this but first!! tell me which ending y'all prefer:
> 
> a realistic one or the happy one? I prepared both.
> 
> contact me on my twt >> @nwspoiltmilk and dm me if y'all wanna have long convos with me (i'm always on twt lololol when i'm not studying) HMU
> 
> bye peeps!


	8. Moments like these

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really important so try not to skip anything. (7K SPECIAL PEOPLE)
> 
> read the end notes please, i need to say something to all of you <33333333

"I expect all of you to give this assignment your all, as it holds a large portion of your marks for this semester. And I  _want_ it to be something big, something good enough to create a lasting impression for yourselves," their professor spoke slowly but surely, meeting each and every one of her students in the eye. When her eyes traveled to Jihoon's, he felt a chill run down his spine. He fidgeted nervously in his seat and held in a deep breath, waiting for her to say what their final assignment would be. "I have read stories and written them for such a long time, nothing quite surprises me anymore. Every character I come across in your stories, I've probably met them in  _another universe_ , another book, before."

 

Minki cursed under his breath, sucking all the magic out the words Jihoon was entranced by, ruining the scene just like that. The professor seemed to have noticed (and Jihoon still couldn't fathom how she just  _knew_ these things) as she switched her attention to Jihoon and offered him a small smile.

 

"I challenge  _all_ of you to write me a story with an unexpected twist.  _The_ twist. It can be of any genre but please, make this count. Create a masterpiece. Four years seem like a very long way to go, but I assure you, your years in the university will fly by so quickly, you'd be surprised by how fast your graduation date approaches. And here,  _every single second matters_. Every single story you're asked to create within the span of these few years would follow you into your adulthood so do not take any of your assignments lightly, do not treat them like a joke. Every single one of you are capable of creating something so impactful, it will outlive you. I believe in you, so do not fail me."

 

A story with a plot twist.

 

Jihoon's mind was already turning, putting puzzle pieces together to form plot after plot but none of them stood out to him.

 

"What are you going to write about?" he asked, turning to Minki.

 

He'd been a little annoyed at his ' _friend_ ' for blurting his contact information to literally everyone who asked, but decided not to hold a grudge against Minki just for that alone. Besides, Minki was pretty much his only friend in this class and Jihoon didn't feel like going on a hunt for new partners every time there was a small collaboration assignment they had to do.

 

Minki looked up from his phone with pursed lips and shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "And I don't care." He shoved his phone into his bag and stood up, waiting for Jihoon to follow suit while shifting his weight from one foot to another.

 

"Just-- go first. If you're in a rush for something."

 

Minki only briefly hesitated before nodding, turning on his heels to walk out the class alone. He didn't even wave. Jihoon frowned, the corners of his down turned lips etched deeply onto his face. It wasn't even close to afternoon and Minki had already managed to make him feel like shit. Like he'd done something wrong, even when he didn't do anything.  _Lovers' quarrel, maybe?_   Jihoon brushed it off from the surface of his thoughts and went back to worrying about what he was going to do for this assignment. There was almost nothing he write and produce that would probably impress his professor.

 

 _God, I might have to talk to Samuel for some advice_.

 

It wasn't that Jihoon hated Samuel or was sick of the guy, but being with him these days was just so  _tiring_. Jihoon had no idea what was up with himself, but he had been feeling down in the dumps since a few days ago. It might have something to do with the fact that their first short break was coming up and Jihoon didn't want to go home and face his parents, or something else...

 

A 'something else' that had a physical body and a confusing as fuck attitude to boot.

 

Namely, Kang Daniel.

 

Jihoon heaved a sigh as he slung his bag over the shoulder and moved out the room, only to see Samuel leaning against the wall in the hallway connected to his class. "Hey," he said, stopping in his tracks.

 

Samuel flashed him a smile that made Jihoon feel as though nothing had happened between them, as though nothing had  _changed_ since they came to university together. Jihoon knew that wasn't true but he willed it to be, because underneath all this 'I'm so tired of everything and everyone' feeling that was tying him down lately, he had been missing his best friend. Best  _friends_. Jihoon made a mental note to call Daehwi and Jinyoung later that night. It had been a long time since they talked, although Jihoon knew that the two had been keeping in contact with Samuel. The thought awoke a sense of jealousy that tried to rush him into drawing conclusions about the trio not liking Jihoon as much, but he managed to shove it aside in his mind.

 

After all, it was partly his fault for being so distant lately and shutting everyone out.

 

 _Boy problems, boy problems_.

 

"Let's go to the basketball court," Samuel said, grabbing Jihoon by the arm. "I have a shit load of fliers to hand out today."

 

"For the volunteering project your department is organising?"

 

"Yeah, do you want to join?" Samuel asked hopefully, biting his lower lip in anticipation as they made their way to the open court near their dorm. "There's literally no one coming with me because of the fucking short break and it's going to be boring as fuck. In fact, I think I'd rather go back home but my professor already tricked me into writing my name down on the list of volunteers and I'm going to go insane."

 

Jihoon chuckled and patted Samuel's arm. "I thought you were trying to repent for being mean to so many kids back then?"

 

"Not like this," Samuel hissed. "I didn't plan on giving up my free time just to surround myself with tiny little devil incarnates."

 

"Why not? It sounds fun-- it'll be like spending time with miniature versions of yourself."

 

" _Exactly_ my point."

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

"Daniel," Seongwoo spoke into his phone. "Come to the open basketball court.  _Now_."

 

" _Jesus fuck, Seongwoo, why do you always have to bother me when I'm trying to study? Every single time I think I'll be free of you, you'll come running after me with some shit I'm going to have to solve for you."_

 

"That's what best friends are for you asshat. But seriously, come to the open basketball court now-- Jihoon's here."

 

There was silence on the line and Seongwoo immediately knew that he had Daniel's interest piqued. " _So_ _?"_ Daniel replied. Seongwoo stifled a laugh to himself and rolled his eyes. His best friend was such a fake bitch sometimes. " _I told you, I gave up on making amends with that unused condom. He keeps on making me angry every time he opens his mouth and what kind of person turns you down when you repeatedly--_ sincerely--  _try to make up with them anyway? God-- now you've made me angry. How am I supposed to study like this?"_

 

"Then  _don't_. Bring your ass over here. I'm not giving up on you two until the first thoughts that spring into both your minds aren't about killing each other. Besides..." Seongwoo's voice trailed away as he watched Samuel intently. He was distracted.  _Oh fuck_ , he thought to himself. He exhaled deeply before continuing his sentence, taking the time to make sure he pronounced every word accurately in case he stuttered or let loose a certain person's name. "Besides, you owe him that 'sorry.' You were really a jerk to him before, as far as I can tell."

 

Daniel made a noise of disapproval, somewhat similar to that of a child's whine.

 

"God, you're such a whiny little ass. Grow some balls and come talk to him about your problems.  _Both_ your problems. It's long overdue."

 

" _How many times to I have to say it?"_ the guy grumbled lowly, his words very incoherent to Seongwoo's ears. It seemed like he was standing further away from the phone compared to his initial position at his study desk. Seongwoo smiled, knowing that meant he had won and Daniel was on the way getting dressed to go out. " _He won't listen to me. At all. And if I make him_ that _uncomfortable and unhappy every time I speak to him, then I'd rather not push it."_

 

"Be original. Write a long, long, letter of apology."

 

" _Are you serious?"_

 

Seongwoo didn't answer. He clicked a button and cut off the call and pocketed his phone carefully. He was sitting at the sidelines opposite from the benches Jihoon and his best friend were situated at, socializing with a bunch of whipped basketball players thirsting after Jihoon. Maybe Seongwoo was weird and different, but his eyes were fixated on Samuel instead. He eyed the way the boy smiled (with his eyes first, then followed by his mouth and shallow dimples) and laughed and looked at Jihoon like all the stars in the world were atop his head. If stars were visible in the day.

 

Yeah, maybe Seongwoo was weirder than everyone else. Maybe his eyesight was bad. Maybe he was looking at the world in the wrong way-- upside down or through a broken mirror.

 

Or maybe he just had better tastes than the rest of the world's population.

 

Samuel was sad and worried and anxious. It showed. It also helped that Seongwoo was rather good at picking these kinds of things out... sorting the bad from the good. Or as he preferred to put it, the special people from the ordinary ones. He wasn't a writer, but he could go on and on about the volumes Samuel's eyes spoke for days on end. He wasn't a good photographer, but he wanted to take a thousand--  _a million--_  pictures of the boy, capture every frame of his life in Seongwoo's camera. He wasn't a person who blatantly shared his love with everyone, but Samuel made him reconsider getting a boyfriend. And probably he'd start smiling more. He  _should_ start smiling more.

 

Loving more.

 

 _Loving_. He scoffed. The love he knew brought bad luck. Evidence number one: Kang fucking Daniel, a walking disaster who left trouble in his wake and tore apart any peace and tranquility he came across. Intentionally or not, Seongwoo wasn't so sure. But still. It was bad luck to know Daniel. And don't even let Seongwoo get started on his parents.

 

He took his phone out its place when it buzzed.

 

_I'm here. Where r u?_

 

Seongwoo texted Daniel his exact location. Actually, it was just a simple  _open your eyes and look, you fucking idiot,_ but it worked like a charm anyway. He could already see his best friend from across the field, but the bigger guy was still lumbering about with his clumsy, awkward walk (it was a mystery why so many people found him charming), looking this way and that but just _,_ for some reason, remained unable to spot Seongwoo. The latter's eyes fluttered shut, feeling embarrassed on his best friend's behalf. Even Jihoon had already stolen a glance at Daniel, the sight sending him into a panic, gathering all his things up and shoving them into his bag immediately.

 

Not willing to let Jihoon-- or Daniel, for that matter-- go that easily, Seongwoo called out for Daniel instead, drawing the guy's attention towards him. He pointed in the direction Jihoon was taking and without hesitating, Daniel followed his unsaid instructions. Seongwoo's face broke out into a wide smile. It was amusing, to see how the two people who kept hating on each other, continue to prove how inseparable they are. His heart wasn't completely happy about it, but he hoped that it would go well between the both of them.

 

Besides, what was the point of having Daniel all to himself if the latter's heart was never around when they were together?

 

Seongwoo's heart ached. But only slightly.

 

He braced himself for the full impact of the hurt and pain when he was alone later, in his own room, probably moping and complaining to Jisung about his shitty love life. But he was happy now, if only very  _slightly_ \-- a barely traceable smile hanging off his lips. He might as well bask in it while he could. Not for too long though, they still have a Park Woojin to worry about. It had already been three years, but the boy still could not get over his ex. No, it probably wasn't appropriate to call Hyungseob his ex. They technically still weren't broken up yet despite that being Woojin's intentions the night Hyungseon got into the accident.

 

When he looked back to Samuel, he saw the boy standing in his place, frozen, glaring at Seongwoo.  _If looks could kill_... Seongwoo forced a smile.

 

He didn't know why it was so entertaining to piss the boy off, but he did it anyway. There was something cartoon-y about Samuel. When he was angry, it seemed like steam would pour out his nose and ears any minute then.

 

"Why did you do that?" Samuel demanded, storming towards Seongwoo at a surprising rate.

 

"I don't know what you mean," Seongwoo said, feigning ignorance with a shrug. "What do you have there?" he asked, genuinely interest, eyes fixed on the fliers in Samuel's arms.

 

Samuel only scowled and turned away, refusing to let Seongwoo get what he wanted. Personally, Seongwoo thought that it was quite a childish action, and could be mistaken for playful flirting, but judging by the oblivious hatred messing up all of Samuel's features, he guessed that it was the exact opposite of what it seemed to be. "It's none of your fucking business."

 

"Adding random curse words everywhere don't make you seem cooler, Samuel," Seongwoo sighed. "Who picked you to distribute fliers, anyway? Must be a genius-- your attitude's perfect for attracting people."

 

" _Fuck you_."

 

Seongwoo raised an eyebrow. "Do you really want to? I mean, I guess you're pretty cute..."

 

Not expecting a compliment to be thrown suddenly at him, Samuel couldn't hold back his blush. His face heated up and he tried to play it off as a sign contributing to his anger. He didn't say it, but he was rather glad that Seongwoo didn't mention it. To shut him up and avoid further conversation, Samuel peeled off a flier from the stack and thrusted it in Seongwoo's face. "Now stop bothering me."

 

"I don't know if you remember, but, it was you who came here to find me." Seongwoo scanned the flier and the younger boy caught the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He looked up and stayed silent for a moment, as though deciding what he should say. "I didn't know you were into volunteering work."

 

"My department's organizing it. Listen, just-- give it back to me if you're not interested."

 

"Who said I'm not? I  _love_ kids. Where do I sign up?"

 

Samuel worried his bottom lip, eyes darting in all directions but Seongwoo's. " _Please_ , I'd rather you not sign up and take someone else's place and waste everyone's time." It came out a little harsher than he'd intended, but he  _did not_ expect for Seongwoo's face to change that quickly. His expression hardened, his lips drawn into a tight line.

 

" _Why_ don't you think I care? Because I'm what-- hanging around Daniel? And I do  _pre-marital_ sex? And I seem like a fuck boy? If that's really what you're thinking, I'm sorry to say, but you're one hell of a bitch."

 

The younger boy put on a defensive stance immediately, taking a step back. He had more to say, he wanted to agree and fight back, insisting that  _that_ was exactly what fuck boys were, but something about the way Seongwoo's gaze bore into him so intensely that it stopped him short of his words. "It's held during our first short break. I don't think you'd want to miss out a chance to go back and visit your family."

 

"I'd rather spend my time doing good deeds than going back and just lounging about procrastinating. I'm sure my parents would agree as well." Seongwoo let out a scoff when he saw the face Samuel made. "What? Are all fuck boys supposed to have no emotions or ties whatsoever to their blood relations? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if you have a book on the list of every fuck boy's dos and don'ts." He carefully folded the flier, then unfolded it again. "This is your number? Samuel Arredondo..." He keyed the numbers displayed on the bottom of the flyer into his phone.

 

"You're serious about this."

 

"How many times do you want me to say it?"

 

"You just don't-- you don't seem like the  _type_ to care."

 

"Well, I'm glad I actually do. I sent you a text. Check your phone later and make sure you register my name under the list of people going, Arredondo," Seongwoo said, tucking the piece of paper into his pocket and standing up. He brushed the dust off his ass and sighed, moving past the younger boy without another word exchanged.

 

It was no wonder he and Jihoon were such good friends-- they both had similar personalities and attitudes.

 

Unfortunately, they were both equally annoying and persistent, unable to accept others' opinions or explanations that opposed their ' _beliefs_ '.

 

"Look, if you're really serious about this," Samuel called him back reluctantly, "don't be late. We'll leave without you."

 

Seongwoo didn't reply. He walked away, shaking his head the entire time, suddenly tempted to come late just to get on Samuel's nerves.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

It was the library Jihoon headed to.

 

He wasn't in the mood to put himself into brainstorming mode, so he took out another book instead. The eleven reasons one. And he was getting pretty sick of it at this point, and was wondering to himself if he  _had_ to finish writing all eleven reasons why before deciding to end it. Switching his phone to silent mode, he put it down carefully on the table with its face down.

 

A minute passed. Then another.

 

Jihoon tried to desperately shrug off whatever was chasing after his thoughts but failed.

 

As per usual, Daniel was running around his brain in circles, almost like it was a game for him. Like it was funny to be messing around with him even when he wasn't there to witness Jihoon lose control.

 

 _I want to have a talk with you_.

 

Daniel's voice was deep, almost illegally so, as it echoed and bounced off the wall of his skull. He groaned and refrained himself from tearing his hair out, stopping only when he realized the people sitting across from him were shooting him dirty looks.  _I want to have a talk with you_. This time, the phantom words were accompanied by an image-- a memory-- of Daniel standing outside his room, staring at him almost pleadingly, his eyes so downcast Jihoon almost fell for it. Fell for  _everything_ again. His sob story. His sob story of the dysfunctional family he came from. The way he lied so smoothly it was scary when Jihoon thought about it.

 

And his apologies.

 

 _Fuck_ , Jihoon didn't know what the fuck he wanted. His brain was a mess, his body wouldn't obey his orders, his mouth spoke without thinking through the words twice-- he was partly at fault too, he knew. For years he'd been chasing after Daniel's 'sorry', but when he was close to getting it, he turned the older guy away without second thoughts.

 

His curled his fingers into a weak fist and released them. And repeated the action. Again and again and again, like it was some sort of hand exercise.

 

Jihoon thought that he might know just why he didn't want to hear the full explanation from Daniel, but he hated it. But it was the only assumption he had that made sense, pushed the pieces into place.

 

He didn't want to let Daniel go.

 

He sucked on the inside of his cheek, caught the patch of flesh between his teeth and bit down until a familiar metallic taste filled his mouth and tainted his taste buds. It was a terrifying prospect. The thought of him being unable to let go of an ex even after all he'd done to Jihoon.

 

The fact that his feelings for Daniel had not dulled, not even by a little bit, after 3 years. If anything, they had only grown stronger.

 

Slowly, he took in a shaky breath and pulled the book closer towards him.

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel used to smoke like there was no tomorrow. And he was  _underage_. And Jihoon really hated it-- Daniel knew about that, too, so Jihoon didn't find out until a good three weeks into their relationship. He still remembered the shock that took  _minutes_ for him to process and let it wash over him.

 

The older guy had been missing classes for the entire day, but Jihoon was  _sure_ he saw Daniel come in through the gates that morning so after recess, he decided to go on a hunt for his boyfriend during study hall period. He was  _definitely_ getting into trouble for it, but at that moment, he never stopped to think that maybe Daniel was a little less important than putting his academics first.

 

There were only two places Daniel would ever go to when he was not in class anyway, so it didn't take a very long time to locate him. It was always either the music room barely anyone used, or the rooftop. When Jihoon passed by the first room, he could hear a band playing inside, so clearly Daniel wasn't  _there_.

 

But when he moved to the rooftop, he did a double take. Daniel was  _smoking_. A cigarette held between fingers, smoke billowing out his mouth, a hand in his pocket. It was undeniable. Immediately, Jihoon's hand flew to his nose as he tried to process the entire scene in front of him.  _But Daniel didn't-- Daniel..._ The moment his boyfriend squinted against the sunlight to check who was standing at the door to the rooftop, Jihoon could make out the surprise that colored his face. He dropped it onto the ground and stamped on it multiple times, more times than necessary, just to avoid the confrontation that was going to happen.

 

Thankfully for Daniel, Jihoon didn't know where to begin.

 

Eventually, someone was going to have to break the silence.

 

"I only-- it's only when I'm stressed out."

 

Jihoon pursed his lips. "As if you could be stressed out about anything," he suddenly snapped. He felt anger simmering beneath his skin, burning away at his patience and lighting his face up-- he didn't even know why. He just felt it coming. Daniel had  _never_ once said that he didn't smoke but somehow, Jihoon felt cheated. Like he'd been lied to.

 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

 

"You literally have it all," Jihoon suddenly blurted out without thinking. Maybe it was because of the fact that he'd gotten into hot water with his parents that morning, the anger he couldn't release on them coming back for Jihoon to take it out on Daniel. Maybe it was because Jihoon felt ganged up on, like invisible people were bullying him into one, dark corner and he felt so beat up, so useless, he couldn't imagine someone like  _Daniel_ , someone so privileged, feeling ' _stressed'_ out. "You're rich, you're popular, you're  _smart_. You're everyone's favorite. There's no reason for you to be-- to be  _stressed._ You probably don't even know what it's like to be in the shoes of someone like me."

 

He didn't know why he was arguing with Daniel, he didn't know why he  _felt_ the need to do it.

 

He didn't know why Daniel wasn't fighting back like he'd expected him to.

 

"You're right. I don't know what it's like to live your life but let's be honest-- you don't know what my life is like either," he reasoned in a calm, mannerly voice. Almost formal.

 

"All I know is that you're much better off than I am, and that's  _everything_."

 

Daniel scoffed. "You think being rich is everything?"

 

That took Jihoon by surprise, the amount of hurt that lingered and flickered in Daniel's eyes when he said that. It took him a moment to recover and reply, but when he did, the words came out more accusatory than thought they would be. "Money can get you anywhere. The world is practically at your command and everyone living in it would gladly throw themselves at your feet with just a snap of your fingers! You have  _no reason_ to act like you're depressed just to get to places."

 

"I'm  _acting_ depressed?" Daniel scoffed. "Of all the people I actually trust, I thought  _you_ would be the one to understand."

 

The older boy had gone silent. Jihoon's heart was pounding.  _Maybe I went too far_ , he thought to himself.

 

Daniel stood up straight from the railing and took a few steps to reach Jihoon's spot.

 

"I don't know, Jihoon. Has it ever crossed your mind that  _that_ might be the problem?"

 

"What, having the people around you work 24/7 just to satisfy your needs?" Acid dripped off the tip of his tongue and his heart sank when Daniel's eyebrows knitted themselves together, his expression darkening by the second. Jihoon couldn't hear anything anymore. He was trembling from the sheer amount of anger he didn't know he possessed. His eyes pricked with tears that were fucking his vision up. "You have  _no right_ , Kang Daniel,  _absolutely none_ , to complain about your life."

 

There was always something off about the both of them being together. It was that they were both always so different. Maybe  _too_ different. It was as though they were actors cast in the same movie, but acting separate scenes at the same time. They were always two pages apart. Two steps apart. Two  _galaxies_ apart.

 

That moment was the first time Jihoon wondered if they should really be together.

 

An icy sensation ran up both his legs and held them in place for just a split second before letting him go, letting him fall onto the hard ground. But he could barely feel wounded, because he was busy going crazy instead.

 

There were two things that scared him the most in this world--  _terrified him--_ and they were both haunting him, stalking him then.

 

One, it was the fact that he had always lived somewhat different lives, as different people, depending on where he was. One of them was a safe haven while the other was a pure, living hell. It sent him into a state of frenzy when he realized that he could no longer keep the two worlds from colliding into each other, no longer keep the real world bleeding sticky, red, hot blood all over his happiness, putting out the only source of light in his life.

 

He could no longer  _run_ from anything anymore.

 

He didn't want that. Jihoon wanted to keep running away for as long as possible.

 

He might be a coward, but he would much rather be jeered as one than live life as an empty shell of a person.

 

It might seem like a childish and stupid thing for someone to have a panic attack over, but it mattered a lot to the Jihoon three years before. Heck, maybe it still mattered to him  _now_. When you had grown up in such an unhealthy family environment, in a place where ' _home_ ' never was as safe as it should be, everywhere else was an escape. To lose something so important to him, it cornered him and made him watch helplessly as another piece of his already broken world shattered and fell apart.

 

The anxiety began like a cluster of spark plugs that were already waiting to go off, sitting at the base of his abdomen. His breathing became disturbed and shallow as he tried to still himself on the floor, but failed. Black dotted his vision so he couldn't see most things. Like Daniel. Desperately, he tried to summon a memory that could possibly help put a stop to his primal surge to end it all right there. He dug into his chest of memories but the only ones that came to him were the ones cluttered at the surface-- the fight with his parents from that morning, his fight with Daniel  _now_.

 

_Was it even a fight?_

 

Something told him it was. Tension grew in his face and spread to his limbs before two hands wrapped around his wrists in an attempt to stop him--

 

_Stop me from doing what?_

 

Jihoon forced his vision to clear and while it didn't work most times, he could see why Daniel was staring at him. Like he was a freak. Like he was strange and unlikable and weird. Red marks lined his arms and while they didn't hurt before, his brain suddenly registered the pain and sent Jihoon crying at the top of his voice for help. Only it didn't work. The words got lodged tightly in his throat as he tied himself into a trembling knot of panic, slipping in and out of consciousness.

 

The hands on his wrists  _burned_ right into his reddened skin. Like twin flames trying to engulf him whole.

 

" _Jihoon, Jihoon!"_

 

 _Kang Daniel_.

 

"F-fuck," Jihoon stuttered and repeated under his breath like it was a mantra.

 

Daniel called his name a few more times, maybe more-- Jihoon couldn't tell.

 

Things like that hardly mattered when all you're seeing was a wall of black.

 

_Two, Kang Daniel. Jihoon was terrified of Kang Daniel. (Who's going to tell him that he still was now?)_

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon woke up feeling sure it wasn't afternoon anymore. Too much pink colored the sky, too much orange, too much yellow.

 

Too much of everything. It seemed over saturated somehow, hurt Jihoon's eyes to see such a multitude of bright hues as soon as he opened them. The second thing he noticed was a string of incoherent words and uncontrolled sniffling. His first reaction was to pull away, only to find that he was secured tightly in place by a pair of arms wrapped around his body in a steel-like hold.

 

"You fucking scared me you asshole," Daniel finally said.

 

Jihoon felt a laugh bubbling up his throat, but found that he was too tired to let it out. He groaned and tried to shake off the tension in his limbs, his mind still in a state of disarray. He felt like crying again. But then--

 

"Wait, are  _you_ crying?"

 

" _No_ ," Daniel insisted, tilting his chin upwards so Jihoon couldn't see from where he was lying. Daniel's lap was warm. But he was probably cutting off Daniel's blood circulation as well. Jihoon propped himself up on his elbows and gathered his knees into his chest with much effort used. He had never known moving and getting into such a simple position could sap so much energy from his exhausted self. "You scared me. You suddenly fainted and then  _I_ panicked."

 

"I'm sorry," Jihoon mumbled into his shirt sleeve, pressing the material against his mouth.

 

They watched the seemingly un-moving clouds for a moment before Daniel broke the pregnant pause.

 

"Does that... does that happen often?"

 

Jihoon heaved a breath before shaking his head reluctantly. "Not as bad as this, I don't think."

 

"I won't do it ever again," Daniel said softly. It was barely audible, but Jihoon caught the words just in time before they could drift off with the wind. They didn't make sense for quite some time until Jihoon remembered what started their little ' _fight'_ in the first place. He blushed red and held his left hand tightly to keep it from shaking.

 

There was just something about living out the aftermath of your panic attacks... they never felt as serious as they  _should_ be. They never felt real, only made you feel more self-conscious than before. Like you had over reacted for absolutely nothing. Or, that was just Jihoon being an alien again.

 

"That's not what triggered the attack but  _don't_ go back to smoking. It's not good for your health. You'll die early and I'll go find a hotter guy to replace you then," he joked weakly, but as he had expected, Daniel took it seriously. He turned towards Jihoon with his eyes wide, mouth slightly open like he was shocked.

 

"You would?"

 

"If you're dead, I don't see the point of staying single for the rest of my long, boring life."

 

"You're my  _boyfriend,"_ the older guy argued. Not a very strong comeback.

 

"Well, I guess you're just going to have to quit smoking so I don't leave you, then." Jihoon looked up at the darkening sky and let loose a shaky breath. He was still panting lightly, his breathing pattern in tandem with the stabbing at his temples. "I'm sorry for freaking out. I've been... really  _stressed_ too." A nervous laugh when the word came out his mouth. He eyed the way Daniel fidgeted silently in his place next to him, fingers twitching and unsure if they should be entwined around Jihoon's. Daniel was cute this way. When he wasn't being the cold, popular guy everyone had labelled him to be.

 

Daniel was just  _Daniel_ , for once. Moments like these were rare.

 

Jihoon sidled up against Daniel's side after a while of thinking and hesitating. He placed his hand over Daniel's and looked up, finding Daniel's smile on full blast, directed at him. "It's my parents." Jihoon decided to listen to the full story this time before jumping straight to conclusions and landing nowhere. "It's also my brother, my friends. Everyone is being shitty these days."

 

"I thought your friends were okay."

 

The older boy shook his head, turning serious. Any traces of the smile from before were wiped clean off his face. "It just-- just feels like I never have enough time to be myself. And when I  _do_ get to experience that for an hour or two at most, it leaves a lingering feeling making me  _want more of that. Everyone_ around me keeps asking more and more from me and sometimes I just want to give it all up. It's not like I get anything in return anyway. But what if I were to run away? Would people care?  _Yes_. Just not for the right reasons-- they're all just scared that they would have no one to boss around anymore. The same goes for my family. All my dad and Euigeon talk about is the business and my mum's somehow always too busy to make time for me. But when it comes to Euigeon, she'd do anything to keep him content. At times I feel like I'm adopted. I just don't fit into any picture at all."

 

"You feel like you matter to them, but the thing they want is not you yourself?"

 

If that was true, Jihoon would undoubtedly carry the guilt on his shoulders every time he looked at Daniel, wondering if he was unconsciously as demanding as the ' _other people'_.

 

"Something like that."

 

Sadness could not-- and would not-- leave you. It only repeated at irregular intervals like a broken record you couldn't get rid of. Jihoon knew this because he had known sadness and anguish for almost as long as he had lived this wasted life. Jihoon pressed his cheek against Daniel's shoulder but willed his eyes to stay looking at the changing orange sky, glowing as though the clouds were plumes of undying flames, showering everyone and everything with its embers, lighting up the wide expanse of the sky with what could be interpreted as tomorrow's hope.

 

' _When people fall in love, they burst into flames,'_ Jihoon had once read from a book.

 

But it clearly didn't apply to everyone.

 

When Jihoon fell in love with Daniel, the latter became the start and end of his universe. It wasn't the right kind of love. It was a raging, unabating storm that appeared out of nowhere and sucked Jihoon into a different world, one that was scary and completely foreign. One that prompted Jihoon to continue venturing further into its arms despite the danger it promised.

 

When boys like them fall in love, it would rain.

 

 _Because boys like them belonged in the rain_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

When Jihoon walked out the library, he  _knew_ it wasn't afternoon anymore. Because he had a phone. It was nearing midnight and as Jihoon walked down the steps of the library, he cursed himself for staying back so late-- it was the time all wolves came out looking for little red riding hoods.  _Fuck_.

 

" _Hey_ ," came a voice out of nowhere, pumping dread and poison into his veins.  _Whyhimwhyhimwhyhimwhyhim._ It would have been better if it was Guanlin, who had _definitely_  been ignoring his (desperate-sounding) texts on purpose since their last meeting. Jihoon turned around on his heels and faced Daniel with an expression he hoped would come off as unwelcoming and indifferent. He didn't have to try that hard since sleep was weighing down hard on his eyelids, his body begging for sleep. He hadn't been sleeping well these days, busy having dreams that he didn't know whether were good or not, but judging by how they kept him awake for most of the nights, he was leaning more to the latter.

 

"Why are you here?"

 

Daniel shifted his weight from one foot to another. "I waited here for you." There was smoke on his breath and the same smell was clinging to his white shirt. He was only wearing that along with a pair of jeans and simple shoes. Daniel never got cold easily.

 

"You still smoke?" The words came out faster than he expected them to. But there was no point in mulling over his fatal mistake-- his plan to appear as distant as possible had already crumbled into ashes.

 

"I only-- it's only when I'm stressed out," Daniel confessed awkwardly. "Occasionally."

 

Jihoon shrugged off the eerie feeling that crept up his spine when the deja vu happened, choosing to ignore it completely. He stood by silently, waiting for Daniel to explain himself.

 

"It's late. Anything could happen here at night. And besides," -- he gulped nervously-- "we haven't had that talk yet. The other day-- when Guanlin came over to your dorm. I wanted to tell you something but...  _yeah_. Can I walk you back?"

 

He didn't know how to say yes.

 

"I thought we were done with this whole thing."

 

"I lied."

 

Jihoon raised an eyebrow. "Should I pretend to be surprised? When have you ever  _not_ lied to me?"

 

"No, I mean, the night of the party. I was going to drop the whole facade for the first time and come clean to you but we were...  _interrupted_. By Guanlin." Daniel's voice was softer and more genuine that Jihoon would have liked. He didn't like the feeling of _knowing_ Daniel. If he could, he would choose to erase Daniel's entire existence from the world in a heartbeat just to save himself (and admittedly the rest of the world's population) from a few more lies and heartbreaks.

 

"How do I know you're not lying to me now? How convenient it is for you to have interruptions every time you have to apologize."

 

Daniel's lips were pursed. "You really don't remember? What I said to you that night," he said slowly, pronouncing each and every word carefully as though trying to drag the conversation.

 

The younger boy lifted his chin up stubbornly and started to walk away.

 

"Park Jihoon, what am I supposed to do? What do you  _want_ me to do? You said you were looking for  _answers_ but each time I offer you one, you either call them a lie or walk away from me. You say you need an apology but how can I say sorry when you strongly believe that I'm never as sincere as my words suggest? You leave me no way out, no way to redeem myself then call me out for not doing enough. Honestly? I'm really tired of this running around."

 

He stopped in his tracks and stared at Daniel's figure, clad in shadows and overflowing distress, his silhouette glowing at the edges from the light of the lamppost standing just behind him. Jihoon was glad that Daniel's face wasn't that clear at the moment, because he was sure it would only fuel his anger even further. "Are you blaming me right now? For what you did three years back-- that was all my fault? I suppose my stupidity's the one to be blamed but you're still a fucking asshole, Kang Daniel. That's a fact. Do you think I want to be like... like _this?_ This untrusting? I'm living in fear of being broken again every second I spend breathing and alive. Do you know how painful that is?"

 

"I'm not blaming you, I just--  _I fucking lied, okay_ ," Daniel very nearly screamed, his voice raising. "You're not listening to me right now."

 

" _So?_ How does saying that change anything?" Jihoon couldn't help it-- he was starting to fight back, too. He just wished for the tears to stop coming back each time his temper flared, but they were beading at the corners of his eyes anyway. He wiped them away aggressively with the sleeve of his sweater.

 

"When I said I never liked you that night... it was a lie. I fucking lied cause I was scared, Park Jihoon. I was scared of you three years back and I'm scared of you now. I'm sorry for being a fucking human, I'm sorry for being an idiotic, immature teenager who thought the only way to love was to hurt because that was what I was taught my  _entire life_. I have _always_ liked you. Fuck, I can't believe I'm saying this now." Daniel's hands went up to his head and held it like he was in pain. _"Fuck,_ I'm going insane," he muttered.

 

Jihoon's breath got caught in his throat, his heart skipped a beat. Words died on his lips.

 

"I liked you three years back and I like you now. I'm sorry. For that. For insisting on loving you despite not knowing how. But I'm not--"

 

Daniel was the exact opposite of Jihoon. His exhalations were shaky and his heart was beating way too fast and the words were shooting out his mouth like it was a reverse blackhole. They were two different things yet same in every way possible. Looking at Daniel was like looking into a mirror; it made Jihoon see what he was exactly: a mess.

 

"--I'm not going to ask for another chance."

 

Moments like these, Jihoon wondered if there was anything Daniel could say or do that wouldn't break his heart.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oK. There's a reason as to why I haven't been updating despite my exams being over >.< There's another story with the same ending as mine an I have been FREAKING OUT over how similar it was to what i have been planning since a few months back. That's when my writer's block started. It really hurts. A lot of people have been asking me when I would update and trust me-- i really want to update fast but when I tried to write, only shit comes out. Seriously. I don't want to leave you guys hanging and yet I only want to provide quality content. Unfortunately, I'm a person who can't give both in a short time.
> 
> HOWEVER, I AM BACK PEOPLE. I've been getting back into my usual self (despite some rl problems with one of my friends) and I still find writing enjoyable, I do. I have written 3 drafts of different endings but none of them seem quite as good as the original one but, I'm not gonna stop brainstorming.
> 
> I really love you guys and I promise I'll be back really, really soon! :>>>
> 
> I'm also replying to comments now so please, please, please comment more! (I'm sorry for not replying last chapter, I still feel really guilty about it). As I have always said before, I love interacting with all of you and I love reading all your comments and I appreciate them a lot <333
> 
> Once again, I'm really sorry for being unable to update quicker but trust me, I'll really try.
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER IS REALLY FLUFF I'M SERIOUS I'M REALLY SERIOUS.
> 
> me twitter >> @nwspoiltmilk


	9. This night is sparkling, don't you let it go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon finds himself falling in love again.

It took a lot of courage for Daniel to say the next words that came out his mouth.

 

"I'm not going to ask for it, beg for it, or appeal to you using sympathy. I  _ don't _ want you to give me a second chance--"

 

"Then I think we're done here," Jihoon hissed as hurt slashed across his features. Daniel was tired of this. This expression. He'd seen it a thousand times and he was honestly really sick of it. He'd heard this sentence, "I think there's nothing for us to talk about, then," from Jihoon on at least a hundred occasions, just with different words each time. He hated being the reason why Jihoon couldn't live another day without being tortured by the decisions he had to make. Without thinking twice, his hand shot out and closed his fingers around Jihoon's wrist, pulling him firmly back.

 

"Why do you never listen until the end, Jihoon?" Daniel held onto their only physical contact at the moment, praying that Jihoon wouldn't pull away, but still giving the latter some time to do so. "I  _ like _ you."

 

Jihoon looked down.

 

Daniel tried hard to meet his gaze.

 

"Jihoon, I don't need us to be... whatever we were before. I'm not going to force you into being  _ anything _ . I'm just hoping that you would give me a chance to fix everything I destroyed before. I like you a lot, Jihoon. You still..." ( _ give me the butterflies every time you look at me)  _ "mean a lot. To me."

 

"Look, I just. _ I don't know what this means. _ "

"This means that I like you. A lot. I'm not asking you to like me back-- I'm just telling you that if I ask for a second chance now, there'd be nothing between us. No memories, no mistakes...  _ nothing _ . I don't want to start over, I want to continue where we left off." Jihoon was listening now. Daniel could tell. So he leaned forward unconsciously, his heart beating away faster and faster with every second that ticked by, Jihoon's hand still in his. "All I'm saying is...

 

" _ Achh, why is this so hard?" _  It wasn't supposed to go like this. Daniel had this scene all planned out. He had imagined himself planting a peck on Jihoon's head by the end of the day. The only thing that hadn't strayed from his plan was how right he knew this would feel, the love brimming inside him, and all of it for Jihoon. He took in a deep breath. " _ Jihoon _ ."

 

_ Please don't walk away, please don't walk away. _

 

He didn't move.

 

"I'm here," the younger boy said in a whisper that would've been blown away unnoticed if Daniel hadn't been standing so close to him.

 

_ He's here _ .

 

"I don't need you to like me back. I just need you to trust me one last time and let me fix everything."

 

Jihoon's tears were mostly dried now, and Daniel had to bite down on his lip to resist the temptation of reaching over to thumb them away the rest. "What for?" he asked hesitantly.

 

_ Tell him _ .

 

"Because you mean a lot to me. What we had before, that's easily one of the best things that have ever happened in my life-- having someone to care about genuinely. Because it feels  _ wrong _ , to leave it so open-ended. It feels wrong to leave something like that without an ending."

 

An ending. Maybe that was all he had been longing for this whole time. Maybe that was what all of them needed.

 

“Are you going to say yes?”

 

Jihoon shook his head slightly, but not in rejection. He just looked…  _ done _ . With Daniel. With all of this. He looked confused. Daniel would be lying if he said he wasn’t, too. “I-- this all just doesn’t make sense. You left me. And now you’re doing this… telling me things that make it seem as though I was the one who pushed you away. I  _ didn’t _ , Daniel.”

 

Those last three words sounded desperate, like Jihoon was begging for someone to believe him. Daniel swiped his thumb gently across the back of Jihoon’s hand, reminding the latter that he was still there, too. “I know. I was an asshole, Jihoon. I believe you. I left you and I’m telling you, it was a mistake. A huge fucking mistake that I would give anything up to undo or fix if I were given the chance. That’s what I’m asking for from you, Jihoon. I need to know that you’re just as willing as I am to make things right between us.”

 

“You need to know if I believe in you.”

 

Daniel nodded firmly, his lips settling into a small, vulnerable smile. Because that was the perfect word to describe him when Jihoon was concerned:  _ vulnerable _ .

 

“I need to know if you trust me enough to pull this off,” he whispered.

 

Being  _ this _ close to Park Jihoon (a place he thought he’d never have a chance to be ever again when he fucked it all up the last time), he knew that Jihoon would hear it.

 

But he didn’t expect what Jihoon said next: “Okay, Daniel-- I trust you.”

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel started to walk him back, and Jihoon just  _ let him _ . Caught under some sort of spell again. Jihoon tried to turn down Daniel's offer, but the latter wouldn't back down so in the end, he relented. Neither of them had spoken a single word after that, because how the fuck do you pick up from, "Hey, I know I really fucked up with you 3 years ago, but I swear I still like you a lot so will you please let me walk you back to your dorm like we're dating?" _. _

 

_ Dating _ ?

 

That was exactly why they couldn't-- shouldn't-- be together. Everything was different with Jihoon. He kept on trying to convince himself that he'd changed a lot since Daniel, but he recently discovered that he was just the same broken boy Daniel left behind. He knew that if Daniel put his hand on his back right now, he'd turn breathless in a second; he knew that if Daniel looked at him  _ one more time _ with his smouldering gaze (probably part unintentional, part Jihoon’s imagination), he might end up melting away all of Jihoon’s defences and walls successfully.

 

All of these little things and tiny actions could already send Jihoon flying away and teetering on the edge between the only choices he had: let Daniel invade his life again, or remain calm and  _ then _ let Daniel invade his life again.

 

Daniel was… different. He wasn’t anything like Jihoon, obviously, but he also stood out among all the other fuckboys he had come across like a big, screaming sore thumb. It was as though Daniel didn’t like doing what he did but still forced himself to take up the role anyway.

 

Jihoon was confused, to say the least. Daniel told him that he believed Jihoon. And Jihoon told Daniel that he trusted him.

 

“ _ I believe you”. “Okay Daniel-- I trust you.” _

 

The words rang and repeated in his head, still not quite making sense.

 

_ So what are we now? Friends? Boyfriends? Enemies operating on a truce? _

 

It was so maddening, Jihoon nearly lost it and whipped around to ask Daniel himself.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Daniel’s deep, awkward voice cut through the silence like a sharp blade. It made Jihoon jump, but the latter managed to cover it up by pretending he just almost tripped over a small, non-existent rock.

 

“ _ What _ .”

 

“You’re thinking really hard about something-- I can see it on your face that you’re worrying again. Stop.”

 

“Just because we aren’t arguing now doesn’t me you can tell me what to do, Kang Daniel,” he snapped and immediately felt guilty after. He didn’t mull over it for too long, though, because they were already nearing his building and for some stupid, inexplicable reason, he didn’t feel like saying goodbye to the stupid jerk behind him yet. 

 

He heard a frustrated sound escaping Daniel’s lips first before he felt a hand close around his wrist for the second time within the hour. It was really starting to get annoying--

 

“Look, Jihoon, can you please sit down for a while?” Daniel requested nervously, gesturing to a bench to the right of Jihoon with a trembling hand which appeared more apparent than ever under the bright glow of the streetlights. Jihoon pretended not to notice it, which Daniel appeared to be grateful for.

 

“What now.” He sat down and leveled his gaze to meet Daniel’s.

 

“I don’t want things to be weird between us.” Jihoon tried really hard to stop the snort from coming, he really did. He folded his arms across his chest and stared ahead. “Can I-- can I know when you go to the library normally? Especially if it’s at night? I want to walk you home whenever I can, just to make sure… nothing happens.”

 

Daniel’s mouth twisted like he was eating something really bad and sour when he said the last part.

 

“I don’t want things to be weird, either, but don’t you think that you knowing all that is… I don’t know,  _ weird _ ?”

 

“It’s dangerous to be walking back by yourself at night. It’s nearly twelve. The library shuts down at one on weekdays-- it’s really not safe,” the older guy insisted.

 

Jihoon laughed a little at how much Daniel was fretting over him like a frazzled hen. “Really, what makes you think they’ll come after me?” He wasn’t special. Not mind-blowingly attractive either. He alternated between dressing like he couldn’t care less (now: dirty, coffee-stained sweatpants and an oversized grey hoodie with sleeves at least five inches longer than his hands) and dressing like he cared  _ too  _ much (mismatched, bright neon colors burning the  _ fuck _ out of people’s retinas one cone at a time). Therefore: he was unattractive. Jihoon had concluded that himself when he was crawling through his break up with Daniel in high school. 

 

He still stood by that opinion now.

 

Daniel looked straight into Jihoon’s eyes, all serious and angry-- angry because Jihoon wasn’t as serious about this like he really should be-- and said, “You’re really pretty, you know that? You freaking look like Red Riding Hood. And there’s always a bunch of drunkards out hunting on campus every night. It’s dangerous, not funny. I’d feel better if I knew that you got home safely every night.”

 

The younger guy finally broke away from the intense stare Daniel was giving him. He also probably--  _ admittedly--  _ did it to hide the redness blooming in his cheeks. “You mean the  _ wolves _ .”

 

He couldn’t help it-- at the mention of wolves, his mind snapped to his conversation with Guanlin from when he met the guy for the second time. He felt his heart drop as it simultaneously reminded him of how long Guanlin had been ignoring his texts already.

 

“Yeah. Wolves.” Daniel raked a hand through his brown hair as his eyebrows furrowed, knitting together. “It’s not that I don’t think you can defend yourself, but these people are  _ drunk _ \-- who knows what they’re capable of.”

 

“How did a conversation about wanting to start over end up like this?” Jihoon muttered, more to himself, under his breath.

 

“Not starting over,” Daniel corrected gently, “it’s-- fixing things.”

 

_ Yeah, whatever _ . The two words were hanging on the edge of his lips, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually say them. He wanted this to work just as much as Daniel  _ appeared _ to care about the whole damned thing. He trusted Daniel-- for now.

 

Jihoon was rooting for him.

 

So he caved in. “Fine. Walk me home,” he grumbled. He almost gave away a smile at the wag Daniel’s shoulders finally sagged down with relief. Jihoon took out his phone, unlocked it and handed it over to Daniel, eyeing the latter warily. “Key in your number and I’ll text you whenever I’ll be walking home soon. If that’s okay with you.”

 

Daniel nodded vigorously, accepting the phone and punching in numbers quickly. Soon, the opening music to Britney Spears’ ‘...Baby One More Time’ could be heard, and the sound was obviously coming from Daniel’s bag. Turning red so quickly it was alarming, Daniel hastily cut off the call and shoved the phone back onto Jihoon’s lap.

 

“It was a dare. I forgot to change it back.”

 

A positively evil smirk curled around Jihoon’s lips as he pocketed his phone. “Sure it was.”

 

The older guy launched into a long explanation as to how and why it happened and Jihoon kept quiet the entire time, but honestly, he still remembered Daniel’s obsession with the singer back when they were still dating.

 

It started out as a sweet memory that brought a smile to Jihoon’s face, softening his features overall, but it was wiped off right away when it reminded him of another unanswered question he was dreading to ask:

 

_ What are we now? _

  
  


 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Samuel was once again too absorbed in his thoughts to hold a proper conversation with Jihoon so the latter gave up on trying to make it work. As soon as he was ready to go to bed for the night, his phone started ringing, forcing him into a sitting position to receive the call.  _ It can't be dad, right? _ The thought flashed across his mind and stayed there, freezing Jihoon for a moment. As far as he knew, his parents were still too disappointed and angry to bother calling him, but what with their short break coming up, he wasn't so sure anymore.

 

His fingers wrapped around the phone and pulled it closer. When he saw that it was an incoming video call from Jinyoung, he felt himself relax and ease into a slightly more relieved state. He accepted the call and immediately, his two friends' pixelated faces appeared on the screen. As he had expected, Daehwi was with Jinyoung.

 

"I knew you would forget to call us today, so we took the initiative instead," Jinyoung said. "You must be busy, what with Daniel trying to desperately woo you back these days. Tell him to fuck off-- we're never gonna welcome him again." Daehwi smacked Jinyoung at the back of his head and pulled the guy back so that his face would take up most of the screen instead.

 

"Ignore him, he's still as childish as ever. I think it's rather romantic, this whole Daniel thing. I mean, from what Samuel had already told us so far, he  _ does _ kinda seem sincere. He'd be stupid if he didn't try to get you back. But, you know, we're definitely rooting for you. I'll support whatever decision you choose to make in the end. If you ever need love advice, you know who to call!" Daehwi chirped, before all false cheerfulness crumbled and fell from his face. "Are you doing fine, Jihoon? We're really worried about you these days."

 

Jihoon smiled as widely as he could manage. Honestly? He was still left confused as to what he was to Daniel now that they’ve already had  _ the _ dread conversation over and done with.

 

He had expected this question, though, and already knew how to dodge it without sounding suspicious. "Other than the pile of assignments I still haven't done, I'm pretty sure everything else is fine."

 

_ Fuck _ .

 

It wasn’t supposed to come out like this-- he’d been practicing this line over and over in his head and it wasn’t supposed to be this fake-sounding.

 

His free hand traveled to the hem of his sweater and his fingers toyed with the material. A distraction from what was to come. Daehwi took in a deep breath and exhaled heavily, dragging it out as long as possible.

 

"Thing is, Jihoonie... I know we promised to meet up with everyone else this short break, but Jinyoung and I can't make it."

 

He saw Samuel stealing a worried glance at him from across the room. Jihoon ignored the way his heart sank to his stomach, the way his thoughts swayed so easily to his parents' faces again. The way he could already feel his stomach tying itself up into a knot. Anxiety bubbled beneath his skin and made him itchy all over. He resisted the urge to scratch himself. "Oh," he said, struggling to keep the frustration from bleeding into his voice. "Why, are you guys going somewhere?"

 

"Yeah, Jinyoung's parents are away on vacation to celebrate their anniversary and he’s not going back, so I’ve decided to…  _ stay _ ," Daehwi said softly, biting down on his lower lip as guilt colored his features. Jihoon watched with growing jealousy as Jinyoung's arms circled Daehwi's ant-like waist, suddenly recalling the day Jinyoung told him that he was going to confess to Daehwi. How Jihoon just shut up and nodded with a smile, encouraging Jinyoung to  _ go for it _ . He should've said something to stop it. He didn't. And now he was resenting Daehwi for something that wasn't even his fault-- Jihoon hated how  _ right _ they felt together. They were the two final pieces missing from your otherwise complete jigsaw puzzle from your childhood. Soulmates.

 

The person who would have a hold on your heart the moment you first set your eyes on them. The other half that everyone except for Jihoon had found.

 

Jihoon was always too late, too hesitant. Never selfish.

 

And now, he was going to spend an entire week at his house, holed up in his room with his parents patrolling on the other side of the door twenty-four seven.  _ Great _ .

 

"It's okay. It's fine-- I'm just. It's just that Samuel isn't going to be around either-- he has to go participate at some volunteering event his department is organizing." His voice was rampant, stubbornly unrestrained despite the effort he was putting in.

 

"Jihoon, we're really sorry... We'll definitely come back and spend time with you next time round." Daehwi turned to look behind for a moment as Jinyoung was leaning forward, almost like he was going to say something as well.

 

He couldn’t stand it; he didn’t want to hear them talking about all the plans they had for this upcoming break anymore.

 

"I'm going to go get some rest. Talk to you guys soon," Jihoon cut in abruptly, then ended the call. He threw his phone onto the bed and hoped it would land on the floor and break, but it didn't. A sigh rose up his throat but he contained it as best as he could to avoid sounding more depressed than he already was. When he looked up, unsurprisingly, Samuel was already watching him with his eyebrows knitted tightly together, the corners of his mouth downturned.

 

"I'll e-mail my professor right now if you want. I can say there's been an emergency at home and I have to go back," he offered without even blinking or the slightest hint of hesitation in his eyes.

 

“No, don’t,” Jihoon protested instead of voicing the “ _ Yes, please _ ” that he was originally gonna say. “This is important for you.”

 

“ _ You’re _ important to me.” If Samuel noticed how Jihoon froze up upon hearing that, he decided not to mention it to save them the awkwardness and drama he didn’t need in his life right now. His best friend walked over to him and sat down on the spot by his bed, head pressed against Jihoon’s thigh. 

 

Samuel cleared his throat before speaking again. “You’re my best friend-- your feelings mean much more to me than some stupid volunteering project my department is hosting. I can go back if you really want me to.  _ Really _ .”

 

It was tempting.

 

But he could tell how much Samuel wanted Jihoon to say yes to his offer:  _ way too much _ . He couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to lead Samuel on any further than he already had, unintentionally or not.

 

“You don’t mean that, Sam.” Jihoon’s fingers twitched. “You like what you’re doing.”

 

Samuel forced out a soft chuckle. “Well, I can’t say that I  _ love _ the children, but it’s bearable, I guess… But--”

 

“ _ Sam _ . I’m not going to force you to go back to your asshole of a father, when you could be doing so much more, just because your best friend is nervous about meeting his parents again. It’s a stupid reason to ditch your schedule for,” he reasoned.”

 

“It’s not like you hate your parents just for the sake of hating them-- they’re mean to you. They don’t appreciate you enough. They don’t deserve a son like you,” his friend spat.

 

Jihoon could hear the danger at the edge of the younger guy’s words so he decided to interfere before it got worse. “Sam,  _ stop _ . I know you care about me, and trust me, I care about you too. That’s why I’m asking you to stay back here and go do your own thing. Things that you should be caring about. It’s just a break that lasts a week, and I’ll probably be back by Wednesday. Maybe this is some blessing in disguise or some shit. I need time to think and write and sort out my shit and write some more.”

 

Samuel turned around to cast him a dubious look as if to ask if Jihoon was sure about his decision.

 

Truthfully he wasn’t but Jihoon assured him with a tiny, confident smile anyway.

 

“Now go to bed. I don’t want you worrying about me anymore, okay?” Jihoon rested both his hands on Samuel’s shoulders and squeezed them. “ _ Okay?” _

 

His efforts must have paid off, because not long after, the lights were already out in their room and he could hear Samuel snoring softly on the other side, probably passed out from how exhausted he had been these few days.

 

It wasn’t until Jihoon woke up for what must have been the third time that night when he realized that the thing that had been bugging him at the back of his mind was Samuel himself. Being the best friend ever, Jihoon had just forgotten to ask what was up with Samuel.  _ Again. _

 

 

 

 

  
  
\-----

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the day Jihoon was leaving Seoul on a bus bound for his hometown in Busan, he woke up to a panicking Samuel who was already more than halfway through his morning routine, rushing for a meeting he had scheduled with  _ someone _ . Every time Jihoon wanted to ask  _ who _ , Samuel only paused for just enough time to flash him a wide, mysterious smile.

 

“This is definitely a date,” Jihoon declared groggily even as he was still struggling to rub the sleep off his face.

 

Samuel only shrugged in response, the cheeky grin still present on his face.

 

When the guy was done with all his stuff, he walked over to his best friend, still half asleep on the bed, and flicked him right between the eyebrows.

 

“ _ Ow. _ That hurt like shit, you mother fucker,” Jihoon screamed. He opened his eyes fully and saw Samuel’s stupid face grinning back at him like fucking Chesire Cat from Alice in Wonderland.

 

“Listen closely here, Park Jihoon, you  _ have _ to call and text me as soon as you arrive so I don’t freak out over the possibility that you’ve been kidnapped, alright? Also, if your father tries to do anything to you… you do the same thing: call and text me  _ immediately _ . I’m fucking rushing back no matter how you try to brush it off as some ‘ _ minor thing’,  _ ‘kay?”

 

Jihoon nodded half-heartedly, his heart becoming heavier and much more of a burden when he was reminded of what was happening today.

 

“ _ Jihoon,  _ promise me. I’m already feeling as guilty as possible what with having to ditch you for this stupid thing… I’m gonna feel even worse if something happens to you.”

 

He could tell that Samuel was being serious, so he nodded again and returned his best friend’s hug when it came.

 

“I’ll miss you, Jihoon, take care of yourself, okay? Text me when you reach the bus station.”

 

Jihoon rolled his eyes. “I’m not a baby, Sam. I can take care of myself.”

 

Samuel laughed and glanced back at him one last time at the door, waving _goodbye_ to Jihoon-- when he backed up against a tall and lanky figure all dressed in black. He couldn’t see the stranger’s face clearly. Being half awake, it took Jihoon quite some time to register what just happened. Words were being exchanged between the guy and Samuel, but when his brain _finally agreed_ to allow Jihoon to recognize the voice, he regretted everything right away.

 

His best friend sounded exasperated as he tried to push Guanlin away, and the latter only appeared to be bored as he came into view. The guy smiled in a way that people would when watching cute puppy videos online (with the  _ awww  _ practically hanging off his lips) when his eyes met Jihoon’s.

 

“Hey, you okay if I come in for a bit?” he asked, the question obviously directed to Jihoon and Jihoon only. He ignored Samuel completely, and Jihoon could only cast a sorry look in Samuel’s direction when he nodded, shocking himself as well.

 

Guanlin lingered at the doorway for a bit before ultimately deciding to shut the door behind him because Jihoon was still…  _ not ready  _ to let people seem him this way.

 

“What an early riser,” the taller guy said sarcastically, cackling.

 

Jihoon didn’t respond-- he still hadn’t forgotten about how Guanlin had made a point of avoiding and ignoring both him and his texts for about a week now, and he was definitely the type to hold small grudges for a long time.

 

Guanlin definitely wasn’t unnerved by Jihoon’s reserved attitude. “You’re really pretty, you know?”

 

But, for some reason, Jihoon heard those words in Daniel’s voice, not Guanlin’s. He shook off the shudder that ran down his spine and looked away, growing uncomfortable with all the attention Guanlin was suddenly showering him with.

 

Truth was, Jihoon was weak around handsome guys. And Guanlin was definitely on top of that list. He felt like he’d give away all his secrets willingly to the Guanlin if he remained staring at Jihoon any longer. 

 

“What are you doing here, Guanlin?”

 

The smile fell from Guanlin’s lips and Jihoon couldn’t take it-- he felt like crying.

 

_ Fuck, he can’t see me like this. Fuck _ .

 

He can’t help but feel  _ it _ happening again. Ugly. He felt ugly. And he didn’t want-- he couldn’t  _ bear _ it-- to be seen as ugly in front of someone he liked.

 

_ Fuck, so I like Guanlin now? _

 

“Are you okay, Jihoon?” The younger boy shifted further away from Guanlin, backing up against the wall behind him. He was amazed by how Guanlin could do this… pretend he wasn’t disgusted by Jihoon.

 

“No.” He was shocked by his own honesty, but he really felt like he couldn’t hold all these lies in his body anymore. They were bursting to get out.

 

He was sick and tired of pretending he was okay. He was tired.

 

_ I’m sorry _ , he thought, but he couldn’t understand who he was apologizing to.

 

Guanlin didn’t say anything else, only inched forward little by little, advancing towards Jihoon wordlessly. It freaked the latter out a little, but he let it happen. He let it happen because there was no use saving this-- everything was already ruined, there was no way he could make Guanlin look at him the same again. He--

 

He felt fingers threading through his hair, patting it down in some places and combing through any knots last night’s tossing and turning might have left. He heard the soft chuckle escaping Guanlin’s lips as he bent over Jihoon’s body so that Jihoon’s forehead was pressed against his black, expensive looking shirt. 

 

_ He has large hands _ , Jihoon noticed immediately. He didn’t want to admit it, but whatever Guanlin was trying to do… it was working. His attention was diverted elsewhere and his heart was no longer beating violently from the fear racking his body, and instead-- instead it was beating rapidly for a boy. This boy.

 

His breathing slowed down as he felt himself relaxing, leaning into Guanlin’s embrace. The latter’s fingers were still playing with his hair, and he smelled so fucking good that--  _ God fuck it _ , Jihoon didn’t know what to think anymore.

 

“What are you doing?” he finally asked.

 

Because sure, while Guanlin was genuinely trying to help him out with what could’ve been a disastrous panic attack, no one could say that this wasn’t weird.

 

_ My. Face. Is pressed. Against his fucking stomach. Fuck.  _

 

Jihoon felt like sobbing and he didn’t know if it was because he didn’t deserve this when he had been second-guessing Guanlin’s intentions this whole time, or because Guanlin just  _ smelled so fucking good. _

 

“Making sure you don’t freak out. I’ve seen this somewhere, or read it once… I don’t know. I’m not sure, honestly.” And there was that laugh again, so light and bubbly and it pulled at Jihoon’s heartstrings. “But I think it’s working, don’t you?” he added playfully.

 

Jihoon didn’t know what to say.

 

_ I don’t know anything anymore _ .

 

But if this thing kept going on and never stopping (something Jihoon would very much like, thank you), he might just miss his bus back home. Which, to be honest, Jihoon didn’t think was  _ that _ bad of a consequence.

 

If this thing kept going on and never stopping, he thought he might fall and never forgive himself ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hI i'm literally back after disappearing act no.2! I can't talk much about it here, but if you guys want, i opened up a cc!!!!!!!!!!!!!! come talk to me there/ dm me on twitter @nwspoiltmilk to ask why i havent updated for like, 4 fucking months?? my cc is linked on my twt so yeah, you can find it there
> 
> as always i'm so sorry for the late update and making you guys wait. trust me when i say that i really feel bad for it i literally hate myself for being such an asshole. please leave comments and kudos cause i really appreciate it whenever people tell me how they feel about the chap, where you think i went wrong, etc etc. (i told you all there's fluff this chapter c:)
> 
> OOH WHAT'S GOING ON WITH NIELWINK AND PANWINK HAHAHAH JIHOON CHOOSE ALREADY
> 
> btw! I've been working on another project right now and it's my spring fic for nielwink starry nights, basically. here's the link if you're curious or whatnot: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14053926/chapters/32373324
> 
> if you don't have twt, feel free to chat with me here in the comments! hehe i always reply whenever i can
> 
> peace out! love you guys so so much and i'm sorry for the nth time


	10. Beautiful, broken boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon revisits the moment where he realized that he was really in love with Daniel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT I;M ACTUALLY WRITING FLUFF TOOTH ROTTING FLUFF AT THAT
> 
> Y'all, just sayin, i have nothing against people who have trees or quotes as tattoos, thanks!  
> also, check the new tags: eventual smut HOHOHOHOHO
> 
> STREAM LIGHT ON YT

"You came home pretty late last night," Seongwoo remarked with a smirk Daniel wanted to slap off his face. There was something wrong with him, but not necessarily in a bad way-- Seongwoo seemed to finally be himself again, and he'd done his hair in an I-just-had-a-good-fuck style in addition to putting on his fuckboy clothes. "Had fun with your  _baby?"_

 

"It's not always about the sex, you know," the younger guy murmured, angling his head downwards to hide the blush spreading across his cheeks.

 

Seongwoo threw his head back and laughed louder than he needed to. "For fuck's sake, Daniel, are you hearing yourself right now? You mean  _Jihoon's_ not just about the sex. It's clearly the same for everyone else but him." When Daniel didn't answer or react, he leaned forward to further interrogate the guy. "So. Tell me-- you really didn't do anything to him last night? What happened? You guys back together again?"

 

Daniel groaned and shoved Seongwoo's face away roughly with his hand. "I walked him back to his place, that's all." It wasn't telling the full truth, but he technically wasn't lying, either. His heart was racing his chest, the endless possibilities of what could entail their recent developments last night leaving his insides feeling like thousands of butterflies were fluttering in them. Not wanting the attention on him anymore, Daniel took in the way Seongwoo was all dressed up in his best in  _weeks_ and decided to point it out. "Going on a date?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

 

"Getting ass, I call it."

 

"Fucking liar, you never wake up early to do your hair in the morning just to get ass. Who's the unlucky guy you're trying to hit on?"

 

The older guy downed the rest of his coffee and touched his hair to make sure it was still looking fine. "I'm sure you're familiar with Jihoon's--  _really hot_ , I might add-- best friend--"

 

"What the fuck?" Daniel hissed ferociously, already lunging forward before he knew what he was doing, and balling his hands up into fist to resist chocking his friend right there and then. " _Seongwoo you can't,_ " he said, desperation lining the edge of his voice. It sounded like he was pleading Seongwoo and it pissed him off when he noticed how  _relaxed_ the other guy was, still.

 

Seongwoo only tilted his head to one side and poked the inside of his cheek with his tongue, a small smile playing on his lips as though the situation was remotely amusing. "Really? Watch me," he challenged. "I'll get into his pants by tonight,  _then_ hit his bed after. He's too cute for me to resist, Daniel, I don't know why you're so blinded with Jihoon when Sam is just--  _right there_."

 

"What the hell happened to the bros before hoes code? I literally  _barely_ got Jihoon to stop glaring at me every time he sees me and the first thing you're planning to do is hook up with his  _best friend?_   What if you end up breaking his heart? He's going to go nuts and castrate me, then  _you_."

 

"Don't talk to me about that bro code, Daniel," Seongwoo said as he wagged an accusatory finger at the guy, "not while I know you're really trying your best to get into Jihoon's pants again. Besides, I'm not going to do anything bad to the boy, I promise." Daniel narrowed his eyes at Seongwoo, hands returning to his sides. He didn't know how much he could trust Seongwoo's word on this, knowing how much self control the older guy had-- or lack thereof. But Seongwoo had that look on his face again-- that smirking, defiant look he'd always put on whenever someone challenged him. It was a look that told Daniel that no matter how much he could try, there was no convincing Seongwoo to do otherwise.  _Beyond slappable,_ he thought to himself. "Anyway, dickhead, I'm going to head out now-- your boy has a really cute date and I'm not going to miss this chance for anything in the world. Good luck with your sweetheart!"

 

Before Daniel could protest further or beg him not to do it, Seongwoo was already out the kitchen, humming to himself as he walked away. Truth to be told, if he really wanted to stop his best friend, he could still chase after him and dog his trails until the latter caved in ( _hopefully)_ , but it had been so long since Seongwoo had been Seongwoo and Daniel honestly just really missed having this side of him around.

 

Letting him go out and perform his fuckboy routine all over again was the worst thing he could do at the moment, what with the relationship between him and Jihoon being so fragile and delicate right now, but Daniel promised to himself  _just this once,_ for the sake of seeing his best friend happy, and hoped that it was a promise he could keep.

 

If not, well, he could kiss his only chance with Jihoon  _bye-bye_ again and this time, it would really be for good.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Guanlin was sitting next to him. On the floor of course, because Jihoon wasn’t just going to let him sit on the bed. They were sitting so closely, their shoulders were rubbing and Jihoon could feel Guanlin’s muscles shift every time the latter moved, hear the little breaths escape his mouth each time he exhaled aloud. Their hands were almost touching but not quite, still sitting on their laps all stiff and awkward.

 

He had to get going soon, but he didn’t know _how_ to detach himself from Guanlin’s side, where he was content and comfortable and confused, but it was the good kind of confused. The kind that left his heart fluttering and mouth dry, ready for more.

 

Guanlin had asked for a chance to talk to Jihoon-- so here they were.

 

Not talking.

 

The older guy seemed reluctant to get the ball rolling, so Jihoon gave it a try instead. “Guanlin, what is it?”

 

“Nothing.” The reply came quickly almost as though he’d been expecting it.

 

Jihoon wanted to steal another glance at the guy to see if the truth would show on his face, but Jihoon was still looking like a mess, the exact opposite of what Guanlin was, and to make matters worse, he still hadn’t brushed his teeth. He wondered if the other guy could smell his reeking morning breath whenever he opened his mouth to say something. He looked away self consciously.

 

“I’ve been going through a lot lately.”

 

Jihoon froze. Was this a confession? Was this Guanlin trying to open up to him? _What the fuck is happening,_ Jihoon thought to himself as he tried to make sense of the situation.

 

“It’s-- that’s the reason why I haven’t been replying to any of your messages. I’m sorry… I just kind of feel like an asshole and that I need to apologize.”

 

"Oh." He didn't know why he felt disappointed-- he just did. "Is that all?" he found himself saying curtly, and the hurt showed on Guanlin's face. He was sure this wasn't the kind of reaction the taller guy had been expecting. He lowered his gaze, thinking he went too far with that. "I just-- I have to go back today, to my hometown, and if I don't want to miss my transport, I'm gonna have to go soon."

 

Guanlin nibbled at his lower lip and sighed. "You'll text me when you reach?" he finally said after the pause.

 

 _Why do I have to?_ Jihoon's voice sounded at the back of his head.  _You're not my anything_ , he silently thought, though the words left a bitter taste on his tongue. He rolled his shoulders and shrugged it off.

 

"If I remember to, yeah. But right now..." He tugged at the hem of his sleepshirt, hoping the message translated the way he wanted it to in Guanlin's head.

 

"Have you eaten breakfast yet?" the taller guy blurted out before Jihoon could finish his sentence. The latter could only cock his head and try not to let his confusion show. Why was Guanlin suddenly switching gears? "Fuck-- I mean," Guanlin realized as he stuttered over his words, "I forgot you just woke up and... yeah, I'm an idiot. Sorry. Let me rephrase that question. Want to go out for breakfast with me? My treat."

 

Jihoon exhaled and bit down on his lips to prevent the beginnings of a smile from crawling up his face though this tactic of his wasn't quite working-- the corners of his mouth were still tilted upwards slightly and Guanlin had already caught sight of them. He really shouldn't be doing this. If it were anyone else right now, a strict, firm  _no_ would already be out his lips by now. He'd already be standing up and doing all sorts of stuff, saying all sorts of things to get his message across ( _get the fuck out of my room_ ) even if they made whoever it was asking him uncomfortable.

 

But this was different. This was Guanlin, whose eyelashes are turning golden from the glow of the sunlight, whose chest is rising up and down from--  _possibly_ \-- how nervous Jihoon was making him. Guanlin's eyes were flickering and embarrassment shone brightly in their beautiful, chestnut-colored brown irises, his lips pressed together in a thin line in anticipation for his answer. 

 

If it were anyone else in Jihoon's room right now, he would have already gone for it. Asked for a kiss from Jihoon, make a move on him,  _I don't fucking know_. But Guanlin was just staying there, shoulders tense and body still, in his designated spot on the floor. It made Jihoon wonder if this was really different. If  _Guanlin_ was really different. He ran his fingers up and down his thigh to avoid thinking about the answer to the question because it was a simple 'no'. Sam was right. He was probably just--  _confused_ , lonely. This was just memories of Daniel messing with his head, he didn't actually like Guanlin.

 

As though he had been in a trance earlier, Jihoon blinked himself out of it and stood up. Guanlin had on a hopeful smile and Jihoon didn't want to witness it falling off his face, so he turned around and said, "Sorry Guanlin, I really don't have the time right now." He didn't have to see the taller guy's face to know that he was disappointed. He kept going. "Can you... go out now? I have to change and everything."

 

He heard rustles behind him and assumed that it was the sound of Guanlin getting onto his feet as well.

 

"Yea-- yeah, I'll just... see you around?"

 

It was a question.

 

Jihoon ignored it and squeezed his eyes shut tightly, fussing around with his clothes even though he was really just moving them around, smoothing out the creases, and not actually  _doing anything_. He heard a reassuring  _click_ coming from behind him that could only mean Guanlin had headed out already but he waited for a few more minutes to make sure he'd really left.

 

He knew it was stupid but he felt like he was cheating. It was scary, this  _love_ thing. After he showered and finished re-checking the bag he'd packed last night for his trip, he was already halfway out the door with a bun in hand when he suddenly remembered something he had to take. More specifically, a book.

 

He tucked it carefully into the back of his bag, between the research he'd done for his final writing project and laptop, before pausing for a moment to deliberately let the seconds drag on.

 

It was time to return to the story of two beautiful, broken boys who fell in love even though they weren't supposed to.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm not late," Seongwoo announced into Samuel's ear, smiling as sweetly as he could manage when the latter sharply whipped around, eyes wide and mouth open, looking like he'd just had the fright of his life. He clasped his hands together behind him and rocked back and forth slightly on his feet like he couldn't bear to just stand still.

 

"No, you're not," the younger boy coughed into his hand as he recovered from the shock. "You're early. Maybe a little  _too_ early."

 

Seongwoo shrugged in response to that, trying to ignore how freaking  _anxious_ he felt.

 

"People from my department are going to stare at you weird, you know." He shrugged again in effort to look like he couldn't care less about  _those_   _people_. Less than his focus on Samuel, anyway. "I hope you don't mind-- just wanted to give you a heads up or something." And then he was leaning forward, and  _God fuck me no,_ Seongwoo thought, the words running through his brain so quickly, they were stuck together like they were one word.  _It's too early in the morning to die like this,_ he bemoaned and cursed under his breath as Samuel inched closer.

 

It wasn't like he didn't want this-- in fact, he had been thinking about kissing those lips for a while now-- but he just didn't expect it to happen  _now_ , and the fact that  _Samuel_ was the one initiating their first kiss was just plain mindblowing.  _But it's already happening anyway_ , his brain attempted to reason with him,  _so make the most out of it-- who knows when's the next time he'd give you a chance to do this?_

 

He drew in a deep breath and let his eyes flutter shut, waiting and waiting... for the kiss that never came.

 

"I know you, Ong Seongwoo," Samuel seethed into his ear furiously in that funny, high-pitched tone of his anger, "you better not try anything weird with any of the coordinators today, and  _stay away from the kids_ , understood? I don't want your dirty mind anywhere near them. I'll put you on cleaning duty and under my supervision. Any sign of you doing  _that thing_ again, and I'll send your ass straight back home." The younger guy pulled back with a self-satisfied grin on his face, acting all knowing and shit. If he wasn't so cute, Seongwoo would already be turning around to head back for some more well deserved sleep.

 

"First of all, sweetheart, you don't sound like you're trying to stop me from creating trouble-- you just sound like you're mildly jealous and want me to stay away from everyone else so you can have me all to yourself." Samuel opened his mouth to retort, but the older guy took a step forward before he could. "Second of all,  _Samuel_ ," he purposely drawled his name, rolled it on his tongue like it was a dirty word, familiarizing himself with it, before continuing, "if you don't want to see me going wild, I suggest you don't try anything like that in the near future. I only have so much self control and your pretty face isn't really helping me with it." Seongwoo restrained his predator-like smile from emerging and opted for a sweeter one instead. "Also, Arrendondo, I gotta know-- what exactly do you mean by  _that thing_? Because as far as I know, I haven't tried anything on you yet, so if you find me attractive, well, what can I say? I guess I really  _was_ born charming."

 

"You wish," Samuel spat, fire alight in his eyes.

 

"I really wanted to get you hot and bothered, but I didn't think it'd happen this way," he said only for the sole purpose of riling the younger guy up. (Though it wasn't untrue that he'd imagined feeling the smoothness of Samuel's golden brown skin beneath his fingertips way more times than he should before).

 

"Fu--"

 

"Sam!" They both whipped around uniformly to cast twin glares in the vague direction of the voice's owner, both pissed but evidently for different reasons; Seongwoo, because he'd enjoy bickering with Samuel, especially in such close proximity, and Samuel, because it was embarrassing to admit that Seongwoo's words were affecting him in a way he didn't  _not like_. Really, if he didn't know Seongwoo was such a fuckboy, he might've even assumed that the older guy was interested.

 

"Whoa, who pissed in your cereal this morning?" the girl who was approaching them asked. The question seemed to have been directed to Samuel, but her eyes were fixated on Seongwoo, lips already curling up into a smile. Seongwoo returned it easily, relieved to be looking at a face that wasn't twisted into a scowl. She was pretty.  _Very_ pretty, even as a subject to his high standards. Her eyes were big and doe-like, lined with long, curling lashes (that might be fake), a straight, relatively thin aquiline nose and full red lips. She flipped her hair to one side and brushed her bangs lightly with her long, slender fingers.

 

"Hani," Samuel greeted solemnly, then turned to look at Seongwoo stiffly, exasperation written all over his face. "This is Seongwoo. Seongwoo, Hani. She's one of the coordinators for today's event." Before he had finished the short introduction, Hani had already extended her hand towards Seongwoo for him to shake.

 

He did, and allowed himself hold her hand for longer than necessary before letting go, seemingly in reluctance. This appeared to have only made Samuel angrier but pleased Hani considerably.

 

"Didn't know you were acquainted with the famous Ong Seongwoo," she remarked, her words chosen carefully and spoken with a captivating lilt.

 

Samuel snorted and rolled his eyes so hard, Seongwoo was surprised they could still return to their original position in their sockets. "Famous for being a manslut," he muttered under his breath. "We're not exactly acquaintances, you see."

 

"More like fuckbuddies."

 

"That's it, I'm sending you back to whatever hole you crawled out from."

 

" _Future_ fuckbuddies," Seongwoo corrected himself quickly.

 

The girl raised an eyebrow prettily, almost in a challenge, and spoke to Seongwoo directly this time. "You sure you're here for the programme? Or are you here to look at some eye candies? I'm sure we're all aware of your reputation here, Seongwoo-ssi." If it were Samuel saying those words, they would've come out in a mocking, condescending way, but because this was Hani, it was obvious she meant it in a lighter manner and Seongwoo immediately knew he'd take a liking to her in time.

 

" _Some_ eye candies, Hani? Pretty sure there's only one that I've seen so far."

 

"Look, if you guys want to flirt, do it when we're not about to go on a trip to a fucking kindergarten, for fuck's sake. This thing is supposed to be strictly professional."

 

Hani aimed a meaningful look in Seongwoo's direction, clearly asking for the latter to defend her.

 

He would. Under any other circumstances, he would've just gone for it. Besides, what was the harm behind a friendly hook up seeded from a mutual agreement that it wouldn't be romantic? What was wrong with this? Nothing.  _Nothing was wrong_ , except for one huge fucking flaw in the entire plan: Seongwoo was gay.

 

So he only returned her look with a small shrug and smile, slung an arm around Samuel's shoulders, and lied through his teeth, "Maybe another time, Hani. I'm all his today."

 

Despite how much Samuel's face was flooded red and his skin was turning hot where Seongwoo's fingers were placed as though they left fire in their trails, he didn't shove Seongwoo away, nor did he show signs of wanting to turn around to ask the older guy just  _what the fuck was he doing_ , other than the subtle side-eye Seongwoo was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of.

 

 _Progress,_ Seongwoo cheered to himself inwardly, trying to hide his triumphant smile.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon was finding it really hard to sleep, what with the bus rocking slightly from side to side. The lurches were subtle, would barely be noticeable if the music he had been listening to for the past hour would just  _work_ , but the problem was that everything was keeping him awake. It was like sitting on the edge of a cliff, watching the world ending from the front row VIP seats. Frustrated, he ripped the earphones out from his ears in two swift motions and shoved the thing into his smaller bag, the one situated-- uncomfortably hot-- on his lap. The bigger duffel was somewhat tucked into the space below his seat.

 

He gave looking out the window like some emo protagonist of a melodrama a try, but gave up not a few minutes into his attempt.

 

Digging around in his bag for something--  _anything_ \-- that could possibly keep him occupied until they finally stopped for a break, his fingers naturally found the shape of his phone easily. He considered calling Samuel, or at least text the guy, to ask about how his day had been so far but decided against it last minute. Better to talk to him when they both had time on their hands for an hour-long call. Plus, he knew that Samuel would greatly appreciate the juicy details of his shitty, dysfunctional family now that he was well on his way back. For a moment-- a  _brief, really short one--_ he wondered about what could have happened if he actually accepted Guanlin's offer to buy him breakfast earlier that day.

 

Answer was easy: he wouldn't be here, rotting his youth away, right now.

 

He heaved a sigh and fished around some more.

 

He found what he had been thinking about since this journey started easily enough. Just feeling the material of the book's cover had sent a fresh wave of jitters his way, making him go still immediately to suppress a shudder instinctively. But he'd avoided this for long enough.

 

He pulled the book onto his lap and unclipped the pen from its side.

 

With the tip of it pressed hard against a new page, ink seeping into the paper at a surprisingly fast rate, creating a medium-sized blob on it, Jihoon found it notably easier to summon this particular memory to the surface of his thoughts.

 

It was when he first knew that he'd fallen from Daniel, too hard and way too fast.

 

 

 

 

 

_**Kang Dan, received: 7:49 p.m.** _

Jihooooon

Wanna come over?

I really miss you, I want to see you

 

_**Kang Dan, received: 7:51 p.m.** _

Don't leave me on seen

Please?

 

Jihoon stared at the screen of his phone for a moment, smiling stupidly to himself in the middle of the dark. He'd already turned off the lights since he lied to his parents right after dinner that he'd be heading up to get some sleep. That he'd wake up around midnight to study. It was a simple, admittedly shortsighted excuse that he'd come up with on the spot but his parents spared no more than an inquisitive look his way before saying, " _Okay_."

 

Just to be sure though, Jihoon crept carefully to the door and unlocked it to peer outside to see if the coast was clear before he retreated back into his man-cave, locking himself in again.

 

Another chime sounded from his phone.

 

**_Kang Dan, received: 7:55 p.m._ **

Is this how your planning on playing this game, Jihoonie?

You're cruel... didn't expect such brutality from someone like you

 

Jihoon read the texts and snorted, rolling his eyes dramatically even though no one was around to see him. He even ignored the grammar mistake his boyfriend (at this word, his brain melted into a pool of mush and he felt his soul  _fucking leaving_ ) had made, which of course, he'd correct if it were anyone else. He put his phone on vibration mode and hugged it to his chest as he flopped onto his bed, cheek pressed against the smooth surface of his pillow.

 

Finally, after a few breathing exercises and more messages from Daniel, he'd conjured up enough courage to just  _go for it._

 

He did it. He pressed call.

 

He held in a deep breath and waited for Daniel to pick up. Unsurprisingly, the latter accepted the video call almost as soon as his fingers pressed the button.

 

"Baby," Daniel breathed out. Jihoon gulped and tried not think about how much better that'd sound if it was whispered into his neck, up close and with Daniel being there  _physically, for real_. He figured that  _no one_ had the right to sound that hot even through a video call with a quality this bad. "Why didn't you reply my texts?"

 

Jihoon tried to muffle his giggling but to no avail. Daniel had sounded like a wounded puppy and  _god,_ it was so fucking adorable.

 

"Turn on the lights. I want to see you."

 

"What exactly were you hoping for when you accepted the call, Kang Daniel?"

 

"God, you really want to know?"

 

Jihoon nodded vigorously but then realized that the older couldn't see him clearly. "Yes, I do," he said softly. His eyes raked over the Daniel who appeared on the screen of his phone, head resting on his hand, hair undone and messy like he'd just been rolling around in bed before Jihoon called. He was donning a red sweater that showed off just the right amount of the beautiful, sharp angles of his neck and  _Jesus_ , Jihoon really wanted to nuzzle into the crook of it and breathe the guy in. He also really,  _really_ wanted for Daniel to curl up beside him and tell Jihoon all the things he'd fantasized doing to him before.

 

"Tell you what," Daniel said, licking his bottom lip with a flash of pink that barely peeked out past his lips, "I'll let you in on my thoughts if you come here right now."

 

"Sorry I haven't perfected my teleporting abilities yet, hyung," he groaned.

 

"You don't have to, kitten. I'll drive."

 

"I don't know if you've realized yet, but my parents aren't really big fans of you and your entire gang. Says it's bad luck to hang out with you lot. Your reputation would tarnish me and ruin my entire future, all that crap they've been feeding me since I was a baby. So, you know, you can't just park in my driveway, walk up to the door with a bunch of roses and ask for my hand in marriage." He'd meant it as a joke but the way Daniel's face turned serious made his heart skip a beat. In fear. He opened his mouth to spit out an apology for being _that bitch_ , but Daniel beat him to it.

 

"Yeah, I know, sweetheart. As much as I want to," he responded gently in an adoring tone.

 

What.  _What_.

 

"Can you climb?"

 

It took him a while to process, with Daniel's last words still reverberating in his head, what Daniel was proposing he do behind his parents' backs. "No."

 

"No? You can't climb?"

 

"No-- I mean I  _can_. But I'm saying no to this stupid plan of yours-- it's way too risky. A risk I'm really not willing to take. What if my neighbors see me scaling the walls and call for my 'rents? They're going to kill me, and you're not going to be able to kiss me anymore, and it's all going to be your fault," he said in one go, one hot whisper. He watched as Daniel repositioned himself on the bed, fluffing his pillows to rest against.

 

"They won't see you," Daniel assured him as soon as he'd settled down in his new spot. "Even if they do, they won't turn you in. You know they hate your parents just as much as you do yourself, probably much more."

 

"What if I fall down and break a leg? It's in the middle of the night-- I could take one wrong step and fall to my death."

 

"I'd catch you if you fall,  _duh_."

 

"What, and ride away with me into the forest on your white horse?"

 

Daniel made a humming sound from the base of his throat. Jihoon felt like recording the conversation just to replay it over and over again on nights where he couldn't talk to his boyfriend, just to ease his brain into believing that Daniel was right next to him, holding his hand to his chest, letting Jihoon feel his heart beat. "I don't know if they'd let me rent a horse this late at night without raising some suspicions, but I'll try for you, I guess."

 

"Shut the fuck up  _thisisnotfunny_ ," Jihoon hissed into the phone. Daniel only smirked in response.

 

"You know you want to."

 

"Fine, climbing down is easy, but I might die trying to climb back up later." He watched, confused, as Daniel set his phone down and propped it up against a stack of books to keep it standing. He walked off the camera and when he came back, he was shrugging a jacket on, looking smug. " _Kang Daniel_."

 

"Here," he responded as if it was some kind of freaking attendance check. "I'll park my car further away from your house, I swear. I just want to see you."

 

Jihoon sat up straighter and ignored the fluttering in his chest when Daniel said those words. It wasn't even the butterflies anymore, it was more like a hive of bees was swarming in him after their nest broke open. He cleared his throat. "You're literally looking at me right now."

 

"The phone doesn't do you justice, Jihoon, I wanna see the real deal." He was already opening the window and heading out.

 

"What if I don't want to come down when you arrive?" This seemed to bring Daniel's steps to a halt, considering the possibility of that with a hilariously serious look.

 

"Then I guess I'll just have to throw rocks at your window till you at least poke your pretty face out."

 

"You suck," he said, but with a huge smile on his lips.

 

"I could if you wanted me to."

 

"Fuck off, stop being so crude."

 

Daniel winked and waved at the screen, the smile on his face stretching from ear to ear. "I'll see you at your window in twenty, tops, Rapunzel. And when you climb down I'm going to weasel you away and lock you up in my house so you'll be mine forever." He got into his car, starting it up immediately. He inched his face closer to the screen and pretended to kiss Jihoon in an over-exaggerated way. "Bye sweetheart, I love you."

 

He hung up before Jihoon could turn him down again.

 

 

 

 

 

_**Kang Dan, received: 8:21 p.m.** _

Am on my way

Wait for me, my princess, I'll save you from the clutches of evil

Ten minutes, get ready to see your handsome prince

 

_**Kang Dan, sent: 8:22 p.m.** _

You're not that handsome, stop flattering yourself.

Also, stop texting and driving it's dangerous.

 

_**Kang Dan, received: 8:25 p.m.** _

Aw, is my baby worried for my safety? I should screenshot this

I was at the traffic light, don't worry

I can't wait to see youuuu

 

_**Kang Dan, sent: 8:26 p.m.** _

You're not going to.

 

_**Kang Dan, received: 8:26 p.m.** _

You're mean

 

_**Kang Dan, sent: 8:26 p.m.** _

And you're annoying. Get over it.

 

_**Kang Dan, received: 8:33 p.m.** _

I'm here sweetheart, open your window

You're about to be blessed with a clear view of THIS face

Hey, stop ignoring me

Istg I will start throwing rocks

But not at your window, your mum's

 

_**Kang Dan, sent: 8:35 p.m.** _

Coming.

 

He turned the latch on his window and slid it upwards, then locked it in place. Sure enough, Daniel hadn't been kidding when he said he'd come. He was standing just right beneath his window, a story away from him, but he was  _there_ all the same. Something about the whole  _going out my way and making all this effort just to see you in the middle of the night_ was making Jihoon giddy with love clouding his mind, refusing him the ability to think clearly. His boyfriend was staring up at him, not making a single sound, not saying a word, for reasons unknown to Jihoon.

 

He just looked--  _dazed_ somehow.

 

"Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you look in the moonlight before? You look like some kind of moon fairy from where I'm standing right now."

 

"Hmm, several, I guess."

 

"Come down, I wanna hug you."

 

"I can't."

 

"Bear hugs, Jihoon. You know you like 'em."

 

"Daniel--"

 

"Really big, really comfortable bear hugs between my huge biceps, how does that sound?"

 

Jihoon paused. It sounded  _really good_  if he was being honest with himself. "If I go down right now, you'll drive me to your place and do what? We have rules, you know. And what about your parents?"

 

He tried not to take note of the way Daniel's face fell when he mentioned their set of rules. "I  _solemnly swear_ that I will not break the rules, alright? I would never--  _I would never do something to you if you don't like it_." The words were slow and he pronounced every one of them so that Jihoon could tell he meant it. "And my parents are away tonight for a...  _function_ , I think they called it? But I don't know what for-- all I know is that they said they'd be back quite late, past midnight, and that means more time I can spend with my boyfriend."

 

"Don't say that," Jihoon said sternly, face blushing and hot from how Daniel had called him his boyfriend, too.

 

The older guy caught on immediately. The infamous fuckboy smirk had returned. "What, call you my boyfriend?"

 

"Shut up, just-- I'll go get my jacket. Wait for me down there."

 

As he turned to get everything he thought he'd need, Daniel called out to him again. Perhaps a little too loudly. " _What? Shut up_ , you're going to wake my parents and trust me, they're not going to be happy with this."

 

"Get your sleepwear, toothbrush and your keys. And whatever you'd need for a sleepover of some sort."

 

" _Daniel,"_ he warned throat gritted teeth, "this was  _not_ part of the plan."

 

"Don't worry, just trust me. It's not going to happen if things go well but if they don't, well, we need a backup plan, don't we?" He eyed the suspicious look in Jihoon's eyes before bursting into laughter. "Come on, just do it! I'll explain on the way there."

 

Jihoon didn't know what possessed him to listen and trust Daniel's ' _backup plan'_ , but he did.

 

The regret didn't sink in right after what happened later that night-- the regret only settled onto Jihoon's skin like an uncomfortable second layer he couldn't scrub off a few months later, after his heart was broken for the first time.

 

 

 

 

 

"So what's the plan, where are we hanging out?"

 

"Would you choke me if I said my room?" Daniel asked tentatively, flashing a quick look at the shorter guy.

 

" _Yes,"_ Jihoon said, opening his the door on his side without waiting for Daniel's help, who was already rushing out the driver's seat. "We have rules, Daniel."  _Rules that we have to follow_ , he thought. He put both his hands on Daniel's broad, steady chest and playfully gave him a push.

 

"I won't do anything you ask me not to do," Daniel promised.

 

"I'm not sure if I could be trusted to tell apart things I want to do with you and things I should  _not_ do with you if I'm up in your room."

 

"Is it because I'm too hot?"

 

He was probably expecting Jihoon to respond with his usual no but instead, the latter just leveled him a solid stare and said, very seriously, "Yes." He must've thrown Daniel off balance with that one word because not long after, Daniel could no longer reply coherently-- he was a stuttering mess who tripped on air and blushed every time they held eye contact. Jihoon took pride in that-- for once, he wasn't the one appearing like a love fool. He looked away, closed the door quietly and locked eyes with Daniel again, trying to look innocent while hiding away the smirk that was threatening to break out. "House tour. Give me a house tour. This place looks like it's a fucking maze inside."

 

It was true. Though the Kangs  _did_ move away right after Daniel's graduation, most probably due to his parent's divorce. Jihoon didn't know the full story but he'd heard enough from his friends after their split to deduce that the rumors were true enough, and that Daniel followed his father since his mother couldn't be bothered to even say goodbye to either of her children. Everyone in school had been shocked, of course-- they were always so envied, that family. The perfect hardworking, responsible and rich father, the" _humble_ ", pretty trophy wife and two boys-- well-known to be young heartbreakers-- who have always excelled in school on top of being star players in their respective sports teams. Only Jihoon had seen it coming. Daniel had always confided in Jihoon about his family issues despite the short time they've known each other for. Back then, Jihoon had always thought he was special since the older guy only ever opened up to him about his problems. In truth, it was probably because Daniel knew that Jihoon wasn't popular enough to talk.

 

The house they used to live in, which, for all Jihoon knew, could be occupied by some other family now, had always been way too big for just four people to live in-- huge and sprawling with an elaborate garden decorated with large trees and potted plants leading up to its front steps. It was the whole good-neighbor-white-picket fence thing but taken to a whole new level and way more up to times. It was a two-story building with thin white-framed windows and a sizable front door painted a navy blue.

 

 _Everything_ about that house was blown out of proportion.

 

"Maybe next time," Daniel quietly assured, insinuating that there might be another day where Jihoon would visit again. Not visit. More like kidnapped.

 

The younger boy pouted, bottom lip slightly jutting out, before shrugging it off simply with disappointment weighing down on his frame. "'Kay."

 

 "That pout is lethal. It's a weapon."

 

"What did you bring me here for, then? Just to stand by your car and admire the enormous palace that's your home?"

 

Daniel smiled softly and leaned forward. Without asking for permission, he rested his lips against the soft cushion of Jihoon's and kissed him. They didn't make out, but it wasn't exactly a peck either. When Daniel pulled away to admire Jihoon's face and the shock that forced his lips open into an 'o', he took adavantage of Jihoon's stillness and intertwined their fingers. "Sorry, sweetheart, I actually just looked at how clear the sky was today and thought about you. It was really agonizing, just lying in bed and not having you beside me. Wanted to see you," he murmured.

 

" _That's_ why you wanted me here?"

 

"If you want me to tell you about the other fantasies I have of you, you'd have to promise me that you wouldn't run away first."

 

"You're so fucking crude."

 

The older guy looked smug, eyes piercing Jihoon's the way a wolf would. He pulled Jihoon along, following the winding stone pathway guiding them through the front yard and towards the front door of his house.

 

"Don't look at me like that, I'm warning you. I'm about to press you against the door and eat your face."

 

Jihoon shuddered. "A kinky creep."

 

Daniel chuckled as he unlocked the door and led his boyfriend in. "You like this kinky creep."

 

"I don't know why I do," Jihoon admitted. "Where are we going?" They were walking down a long hallway with grey and white, subtly patterned, walls and polished wood flooring after just passing by the staircase that led to the second floor. When they reached the end of the hallway, Daniel turned right and the younger boy realized that they were in the kitchen, with its pristine white flooring and silvery wallpaper. "Is your entire house painted with a color palette consisting of three shades or what?"

 

"Let me just give you a gentle reminder that this is the house you so badly wanted to tour."

 

"I didn't expect it to be this boring! All this space and so few personal touches."

 

Daniel only kept quiet, continuing to drag Jihoon in his steps, all the way till they reached the back door of the house.

 

"The back door? Really? Way to be subtle."

 

"What do you mean--" Then blood rushed to his face as he coughed and looked away. " _Oh_. And you keep calling me crude, Jesus Christ." Jihoon laughed that tinkling laugh of his and turned the knob, pushing the door ajar. It looked like a normal backyard, except for the picnic blanket set in the middle of the green space that was obviously not supposed to be there.

 

Jihoon was silent.

 

"I, uh, wanted to watch the stars with you. You mentioned that before, so I thought I should, you know--  _ah fuck_ ," he cursed. "I hope you like it. Do you like it?" he settled for asking nervously.

 

He said nothing, only turned around to hug Daniel. When the latter tried to speak up again, he hushed the tall giant as he nuzzled his cheek against Daniel's chest. Daniel tried to ask him what he was doing, clearly embarrassed, but Jihoon only shut him up again and enjoyed the warmth Daniel was emanating. "Bear hugs, remember? They're why I agreed to be kidnapped by you in the first place."

 

"Technically isn't kidnapping if you  _agreed_ to it..." Daniel laughed anxiously.

 

"Shut up, let's just do what we came to do, okay?"

 

Jihoon plopped down onto the blanket, the material soft against his skin and very comfortable. Reluctantly, like a fucking panicked gay, Daniel rested next to him after just standing stupidly by the blanket for a good few minutes. They were pressing up against each other's sides, shoulder to shoulder, arm to arm, thigh to thigh and everything. It was so intimate, it took Jihoon's breath away and replaced his heart with an angry cage of butterflies fluttering against his ribs.

 

The stars-- they looked like fireflies burning brightly against a background of black satin behind layers and layers of serene clouds above them.

 

"In the ancient times, men used the magical symbols in the night sky for navigation. The constellations saved a lot of lives. Some stars fade and some shine like a glowing light bulb. Each of them has their own unique shape, brightness, and sizes. Some stars are bigger than the others, but I like the small ones better. Cause they tend to stick together in a cluster, and when they do, it's more beautiful a sight than anything you've ever seen." After Daniel had said that, they settled into a comfortable rhythm in the silence like it was a song they were dancing to, a secret tango that only they knew the steps to. Daniel turned to his side to look at Jihoon. The latter followed suit wordlessly. "They're really like your eyes." He reached out to brush away Jihoon's bangs to get a clearer look of his eyes.

 

Jihoon breathed out a contented sigh as he closed his eyes and leaned into Daniel's touch, allowing the latter to pat and play with his silky hair.

 

"I feel like time runs out too fast," the younger boy suddenly whispered. And they were lying so close to each other, Daniel could feel Jihoon's breath caressing his skin like the fleeting brushes of wind, except it was warm.

 

"Especially when I'm with you," Daniel completed his sentence as though he could hear all of Jihoon's thoughts.

 

He was getting sleep, close to drifting to sleep. This was undoubtedly the easiest it had been for Jihoon to fall asleep in a few weeks now. Just another testament as to how safe Daniel made him feel.

 

"Hey, don't fall asleep," Daniel whined, nudging Jihoon awake with his shoulder. The latter shifted closer and rested his head in the warm crook of Daniel's neck, his lips just barely grazing a sensitive spot there. "That tickles," he grumbled but didn't push Jihoon away.

 

 

"Then talk to me about something."

 

"Like what?" Daniel swallowed.

 

He felt Jihoon's lips curl up into a smile against his skin. "Like, what you're going to do after you graduate."

 

"I'm going to get a tattoo, for sure," Daniel listed down, "and then I'm going to marry you."

 

The younger boy emitted an amused hum but let Daniel continue.

 

"Then 'm going to buy a house somewhere far away and bring you with me so we can get away from our parents forever." Jihoon wrapped a protective hand round Daniel's waist and tightened his hold on the boy. "I'll be a dancer. Open my own dance studio and teach kids and watch them grow up into teenagers and then young adults... 'M gonna grow old and grey and wrinkly with you by my side."

 

Jihoon wrinkled his nose at the last part. "Doesn't sound that appealing, to be honest."

 

They both burst into laughter, letting themselves be deluded, believe that a future like that could even be possible in the slightest. Daniel was the son of a rich businessman, for god's sake. He had his responsibilities, things that he was entitled to, work that he had to do. And Jihoon... well, he had his parents. And his parents didn't agree with much.

 

"The tattoos. What are you going to get?"

 

"Maybe a tree."

 

"Too hipster."

 

"A quote?"

 

"Lame."

 

"A star?"

 

"Cheesy."

 

"But stars remind me of you." As if on cue, they both looked up at the sky. Jihoon's head was still carefully tucked in Daniel's neck, so he managed to match the rhythm of their breathing together. Up, down, up, down.

 

Jihoon considered this for a moment. "What would the star look like?"

 

"Hold on a sec," Daniel said, then gently detached himself from Jihoon's side so he could stand up. Before Jihoon could complain, he saw the look of glee on Daniel's face and it was akin to a child's smile on Christmas morning, so he shut his mouth and returned Daniel's grin. "I'll be back. Don't move. I swear to god, Park Jihoon, if you suddenly wander off..."

 

"I won't."

 

And then he was gone, zipping up the steps and hurrying into his house like a bolt of lightning. He came back when Jihoon was just a breath away from falling asleep again. Holding two sticks of eyeliner.  _Eye fucking liner_. He had to prop himself up on one elbow and rub his eyes to make sure he wasn't seeing things.

 

"What the fuck?"

 

"They're not mine, I swear!" Daniel quickly insisted. "I took them off my mum's makeup shelf. She has so many of these, she wouldn't notice if one or two went missing. I figured I could practice drawing tattoos on you. Plus, they're waterproof so you don't have to worry about them wearing off after."

 

"What if I'm worried about them not wearing off?"

 

"I'll draw the tattoo at a place your parents won't see." Jihoon raised an eyebrow and Daniel sputtered. " _Stop_."

 

He sat down next to Jihoon again and helped the latter reposition himself on the blanket as well. "I'll draw on your shoulder blade, that okay?"

 

"Why don't you practice on paper instead of my skin?"

 

Jihoon gasped as he felt Daniel tugging off his jacket and pulling up his shirt. He hoped that his entire body wasn't blushing now, because that happened sometimes. When he was really abashed or... when he was really,  _painfully,_ aroused _. "Because_ ," Daniel started to say, voice muffled-- he probably had the eyeliner clasped between his lips, "I want you to see how beautiful it'd look on you."

 

The first press of the tip of the makeup against his back, however light or subtle, was cold and it made Jihoon jump.

 

"Told you not to move suddenly. Unless you want your star turning out looking like a half-eaten dick?"

 

For the rest of the time it took for his tattoo to be completely drafted, Jihoon just closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the brushes, the soft and careful strokes Daniel made on his skin, the hums and random noises daniel would make when he was satisfied with the result. "I love you," he suddenly confessed.

 

Jihoon laughed at the suddenness of it all, but stopped when he remembered Daniel's half-eaten dick threat. "I love you, too."

 

"A lot, a lot."

 

"To the moon and back."

 

He felt the wet tip of the eyeliner lift off from his back and shivered when Daniel blew on his art softly, trying to make it dry faster when in fact he was just giving Jihoon a semi. The latter whispered a prayer under his breath and tried to think about old grandmas doing less than appropriate things. He needed a cold shower.

 

"I'm done," Daniel announced and Jihoon smiled when he heard the happiness in Daniel's tone.

 

"You like drawing, huh?"

 

"I like drawing you. And I'm not kidding, there's a whole sketchbook full of your pretty face up in my room."

 

"You like drawing on me, too."

 

"Yes, I do."

 

Jihoon slowly turned around when Daniel tugged his shirt down and helped him put on the jacket properly again. "Up in my room, up in my room... stop trying to tempt me into walking straight into the devil's den." He fisted a ball of the hem of Daniel's top and pulled at the bit of fabric. "I wanna see my tat."

 

Smirking, Daniel closed the distance between them and pecked him on his forehead, his eyelids, the tip of his nose, and then finally his mouth. "Wait till you get home first. Right now, I don't want you thinking about anything except for me."

 

They rested on the blanket and their hands found each other's, the tips of their fingers just barely touching, but it was still there, and it was definitely more than enough evidence for Jihoon to conclude that Daniel didn't start dating him as another boy to toy around with.

 

That night, they watched the stars together. It was so surreal, the whole situation, and the stars were so pretty that they made Jihoon want to reach up to grasp one of them, steal them from the night sky, just to keep it in his hands for warmth, then pocket it to bring home and keep in a jar. A jar of hope. But he didn't need to. He turned around to look at Daniel, who was transfixed by the entire view. A smile crept up his face as he leaned heavily against his boyfriend again, breathing the latter in, filling his lungs full with  _Daniel, Daniel, Daniel_.

 

He didn't need to steal a star from its rightful spot in the sky, because he found his own one right here, right next to him, on earth.

 

Some people are just meant to exist in the same stories, just like how the both of them keep breathing to keep the other alive.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i disappeared again. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii have no excuse for myself, except for the fact that i had a two week long exam that took me literal months to prepare for + my debate shit. (that's why this chapter is crap and unbeta-ed)
> 
> but writing nielwink is what i love doing, and i'm going to keep on doing it!
> 
> this chapter was supposed to be way longer (8-9k), but i decided to split it into half since it's more focused on sam + seongwoo and y'all whoever ships them i apologize!!
> 
> we're getting closer to the end of the chamseob arc and it;s just 4-5 chapters before i pull the curtains on this story!! yay!
> 
> as usual, PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS AND LOVE FOR ME, they're the reason why i write for you all still <3
> 
> talk to me on twitter! @nwspoiltmilk and dm me if you want the link to my nsfw twt acc (albeit it's from bts lol)
> 
> REMEMBER TO WISH ME ON MY BIRTHDAY 12 JUNE YOU LITTLE SHITS
> 
> chapter summary for next chp: in which seongwoo unintentionally tortures some poor kids at the kindergarten and sam is confused and doesn't know what to do.


	11. You're everywhere but not where I want you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon remembers the weight of Daniel's hands grazing over his skin, and he was everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sliiiiightly explicit content up ahead!!
> 
> a lil bit of sam x ong in the middle, you can skip that if you want hahahah (but they'll talk abt something important soon so hang on), then it's dan again

 

 

 

 

 

There were no tears, no screaming, no "I don't want you as my son" when Jihoon returned.

 

There was a hug, a huge, beaming smile he'd never seen his mother put on for him, and no father to greet him with insults or slaps. Jihoon didn't miss him at all, but he found that he didn't care enough to ask where he was.

 

He put his hand on the railing, ready to run up the flight of stairs and lock himself in his nest again, but his mother's call for him stopped him short.

 

"Jihoon-ah."

 

As he turned around to face her, he felt all sorts of emotions pulling at him when he finally let himself  _look_ at his mum. Her unkempt hair was shot through with grey, her eyes circled by wrinkles and her hands dotted with white spots, the skin there all shriveled up like dried fruit. She looked so  _tired_. But she was happier, and he could tell. For once, her eyes weren't darting about the room self-consciously anymore, which was a habit she'd adopted out of fear for her husband. And she was smiling more. At Jihoon. And she didn't have her eyes trained on him with disgust or sadness or disappointment weighing down on her shoulders-- she looked at him as if she couldn't have enough of her son.  _Son_.

 

"I'll be coming down for dinner, I swear I'm not trying to avoid--"

 

" _Jihoon_. I'm glad you're back."

 

Jihoon's eyes fluttered shut as he turned the words over and over again in his mind. This was as close to " _I love you"_ that she had said to him since the whole Daniel mess, and while it didn't fix everything, take back all the venom she'd spit at him, all the times she'd just stood by and watched as his dad beat him up, Jihoon could feel something-- some sort of weight-- lift off his heart. It was as though after all these years being convinced he didn't necessarily need his parents' permission to live on, there was still some part in him that had longed for approval.

 

He surprised himself when he realized that the next few words that came out of his mouth weren't lies.

 

"I'm glad I'm back, too."

 

A small, shy smile tugged at the corners of his lips. Then he ran upstairs, eager to be surrounded by a sense of familiarity again.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

There were still some of Daniel's shirts in his drawer, some of their secret notes exchanged in classes pinned up on the dashboard propped up on his desk, a collection of all the little trinkets and gifts Daniel had given him before in the same box Jihoon had thrown them into before he left for college. He turned around and locked the door to make sure his mother wouldn't just suddenly barge in and demand to know if he was seeing Daniel again (which had happened multiple times before). He shrugged off his jacket and took off his clothes, throwing on something significantly comfier instead.

 

The shirt he'd seemingly chosen by chance was one of Daniel's, a deep greyish-blue in color with a snug, 'worn' quality to touch. It had been too big for Jihoon to wear before, so he'd always preferred hugging it to sleep, and apparently, nothing had changed because as Jihoon put it on, the shirt immediately slid down his shoulder. He righted its position on his frame but after minimal movements, a big expanse of his collarbone was exposed once again.

 

He didn't change it, only sat down reluctantly in front of the discarded box beside his dresser and began to go through its contents.

 

There were many souvenirs from various islands and countries, all of which Jihoon had never been to, some he had never even heard of. There was a tube of the eyeliner Daniel had given to him after their night-time tattoo rendezvous at his house, which had already dried out a long time ago but kept all the same. As he took out the items from their prison and set them on the floor carefully, one by one, he found that the emptier the box became, the emptier he himself felt.

 

He remembered each and every one of the stories behind them, every smile Daniel had sent his way, disarming him and breaking down the walls he'd built, every single fucking tear he'd shed over this guy.

 

Yet whenever a chance had arisen for Jihoon to throw out the box along with all of the memories he had of the older guy, he denied himself the possibility of starting over.

 

It was as though he had been waiting for the same thing then and now since Daniel broke up with him. Something that Jihoon was so close to achieving right now.

 

Was it revenge? No, that wasn't it.  _I'm not angry anymore_ , he thought to himself, fingers closing gently around an action figure of Spiderman he'd dug out from the bottom of the dusty box,  _at least I don't think so._

 

People who have always given too much in relationships don't want to stop giving-- they just want to stop being the only ones losing something.

 

And Jihoon was  _so tired of losing_. Losing a battle he wasn't even sure who had started and who was currently winning. An exasperated sigh escaped his lips as he leaned back against the foot of his bed, confused and frustrated. He still had Spiderman clutched in one hand, the other all balled up in a fist. He didn't know how or when, but he fell into the arms of sleep and this time-- 

 

 _This time_ , he dreamt of the right boy.

 

 

 

 

 

"Looks like I finally have you up in my room after telling you for months I would," Daniel mused, smirking sinisterly as he locked his bedroom's door. He moved his fingers in a creepy way, which earned him a shove from Jihoon, who told him to " _fucking cut it out."_

 

 "Make yourself home. Preferably in my bed."

 

Jihoon flashed his own smirk at Daniel's shocked expression when he did as he was told and made himself comfortable on the inviting bed (or made himself inviting on the comfortable bed, it was hard to decide which it was). The younger guy closed his eyes and let out a contented sigh, burrowing his head deeper into the pillows. A heavy mix of Daniel and peppermint clung to them, invading Jihoon's nose and making him melt even more into the bed.

 

He felt the bed dip beside him and tried to restrain the smile threatening to split his face in half. Without even peeking, he knew that Daniel was staring at him. Possibly grinning like an idiot.  _No, scratch that_ , he thought.  _Definitely grinning like an idiot._

 

A hand weaved itself through his hair, rubbing his scalp gently. Releasing a throaty sound that was akin to a cat's purr, Jihoon pressed into Daniel's hand and lifted his head a little so that it was on his cheek instead. When a gust of hot air hit his face, his eyes fluttered open and he pulled back, startled by how close Daniel was lying to him. It didn't last for long anyway-- Daniel's other hand circled his waist and drew him nearer like he couldn't bear to have those few extra inches between them. The sun was already setting, and the golden rays filtering in through the glass windows were landing on Daniel's face perfectly, highlighting features that were so exquisitely sculpted Jihoon thought it was unfair of god to have made this boy so perfect.

 

 _And he was so happy;_ his eyes disappeared into crescents, lips pulled into a wide smile. And there was that mole below his eye. Jihoon felt a sudden urge to lean forward and kiss it. And kiss it he did.

 

"Someone's being sweet today," Daniel remarked, amused, his fingers brushing aside Jihoon's bangs.

 

"I can stop if you want."

 

"Please don't. I love it."

 

"Then shut up."

 

"I will," Daniel promised with a small, shy smile, his finger tracing the outline of Jihoon's nose, his touch feather-light like he was afraid of handling something as fragile as Jihoon. (Not that Jihoon was fragile, it just so happened that Jihoon turned  _extremely_ frail whenever Daniel was concerned.) It was as though Daniel could melt him into a puddle with a single look, make him collapse into a pile of dust with a single sigh. Jihoon sucked in a breath and allowed himself to close his eyes for a few seconds, minutes, hours. It was hard to tell how much time had passed when he was with Daniel-- it was like they never had enough of it.

 

Slowly, gingerly, Daniel's finger traveled down the slope of his nose, lingered at his cupid's bow and finally reached his lips. He felt a hand curling under his chin delicately, a thumb pressing against his mouth. Without even thinking of what his actions might suggest, Jihoon opened his mouth willingly.

 

 _Heat_.

 

It took him seconds to figure out that the soft pillow resting against his lips was Daniel's and that they were, yet again, kissing. But this time,  _on a bed_. And something about that prospect excited Jihoon and made him want to give their boundaries a little push and see where it would lead. They were kissing with their mouths open, bodies pressed together, limbs melting into one another: they were the picture of intimacy, the painting you'd see in a museum that made you want to look away. They were two boys kissing. Kissing and kissing and kissing. And it drove Jihoon crazy to think that there weren't more passionate forms of kissing than  _this_. Daniel's tongue burned like the sun in his mouth, and though it hurt him and made his heart squeeze and do all that crazy shit, he craved more.

 

He rested both his hands on Daniel's shoulders and pushed so that they'd roll into a position where he was on top, legs trapping Daniel in place like he was in control. His hands were wedged between the back of Daniel's head and the bed and there was this shared sense of  _urgency_ that urged them into a state of breathlessness, panting all over each other but still unwilling to stop.

 

The hem of Jihoon's shirt was all balled up in Daniel's fist, but it stayed that way for too long, prompting Jihoon to pull away from their kiss, earning himself a needy whine from Daniel. He pulled his fingers away from beneath Daniel's head and curled them over the older guy's, giving him permission to lift his shirt up without a single word said.

 

"Jihoon, I--"

 

"What did I tell you, hyung?  _Shut up and do it_ ," he hissed. He bent down and closed his mouth over Daniel's adam's apple, feeling it bob as his boyfriend gulped. "No marks?"

 

"No marks," Daniel confirmed, drawing in a deep breath as Jihoon pulled away to let him take his shirt off and discard it onto the floor. "You know more about this than I expected you to."

 

"You're not the only one who watches porn, hyung."

 

" _Shit,_ that's  _hot_ ," he drawled, thumb digging slightly into Jihoon's bottom lip again. "Do you think about me? When you get off?"

 

The younger boy simpered and wet his lips, the muscle trailing over the tip of Daniel's thumb in the process. "Why do you need to know if I do,  _hyung?"_ He'd picked up on the way Daniel flinched or twitched ever so slightly whenever he called him that, and Jihoon had figured the older boy probably had a kink or something like that. "Is it something you've always wondered while you're alone?"

 

He relished in the way Daniel groaned impatiently and though his own cock was hardening beneath the fabric of his jeans, he thought he might as well drag this out for as long as he could-- it wasn't an everyday thing to see Daniel this pliant for him. Or for  _anyone_ in general. "I think about you every time," Daniel admitted slowly, fingers moving up the expanse of Jihoon's stomach, pointedly ignoring the younger boy's question.

 

"What would I be doing?"

 

"Things," he'd simply summarized, insistent on remaining close-lipped about his late night fantasies. " _Many_ things." Jihoon only bit down on his lip and hummed, grinding down on Daniel's erection with purpose, eyes half-lidded and looking positively  _fucked_. His entire frame was alight with the fire of the sunset, casting shadows over his body and dying his hair a honey brown. His lips were red and swollen from how much he'd been sucking on them and _oh god--_

 

Daniel's hands suddenly stopped their ministrations, planting a look of confusion on Jihoon's face. "We can't do this," he suddenly said. "We can't."

 

"Why?" Jihoon demanded without missing a beat, eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he tugged on Daniel's own top.

 

"Because you're too--"

 

"Fuck off, Daniel, stop acting as if you haven't been trying to get me up to your room for this exact reason since we started dating. I've been pushing you away every time you initiated it and now I that I want it, you suddenly don't?"

 

"That isn't the point-- I was just  _joking_."

 

Jihoon halted then pulled back from Daniel, disgust and hurt slashing across his features. "You'd joke about something like that?"

 

"No, I mean," Daniel rushed to reason, sitting up properly to grab Jihoon by his wrists to make him stay, "Jihoon, it's not that I don't take you seriously. I do, but doesn't this thing feel to you like I'm taking advantage of you? That's not... that's definitely not my intention, and I don't want you regretting this afterwards. I don't want your first time to be a spur of a moment thing."

 

The younger boy pouted and looked away. "It isn't taking advantage of me if we both want it this badly. Unless you're feeling guilty for lying about liking me in the first place, this wouldn't be an issue at all."

 

"I  _like you, Jihoon_. But I don't want to rush into this like we don't have other chances in the future to slowly ease into this part of our relationship. I can tell something's been on your mind lately, Jihoon. You can talk to me about it if you want to."

 

Jihoon raised an eyebrow, staring at his boyfriend, amused. "You want me to talk to you about my fucked-up brain while we're both hard as fuck?"

 

"Well technically  _you're_ hard as fuck and I'm not." That earned him a punch in the arm. Daniel only laughed and circled his arms around Jihoon's waist, pulling him down into his embrace with Jihoon's head tucked into his neck.

 

Reluctantly, Jihoon felt himself loosening up on the inside, eager to spill all his insecurities and secrets into Daniel's open palm. But if he did, would Daniel tire of him? Would he find Jihoon overly self-conscious and a pain to be around? He burrowed his head deeper and took in a whiff of the older guy's scent as he always did when he felt a panic attack on the edge of breaking out. Daniel smelled the way he usually did, except with a heavier dose of sweat and something else. He could feel Daniel's fingers running up and down his back in a soothing, gentle rhythm, relaxing his taut muscles and strained mind. He remembered why he always felt so safe around Daniel.

 

 _Daniel's home_ , he told himself _, you can do this_.

 

And so he spoke.

 

"It's Yena." He sensed Daniel freezing beneath him and almost immediately, regret trickled into his veins and he felt like a balloon being blown to a point where he was close to bursting. It didn't make any sense, but he continued speaking. "Yena was telling everyone at school today about how-- about how she was your first."

 

"She's not, though. There were a few others before her." Daniel's tone was light the way it always was when he was joking, but there was no missing how strained he sounded. "Jihoon-ah," he called softly, carding his fingers through the younger boy's hair and unknotting all the tangles, "Jihoon, is that why you wanted to do this so much?"

 

He didn't need a mirror to know that his cheeks were reddening, as were every other part of his body. "Forget it, I knew it'd be stupid to bring up." Jihoon sighed and sat up, beginning to disentangle himself from his boyfriend and all the while avoiding eye contact.

 

Daniel pursed his lips and slipped Jihoon's hands into his. "No, you're definitely not stupid for bringing this up. This is something we're supposed to talk through, not put at the back of our minds and leave it there forever. I don't want any secrets like this between you and me, things that could potentially make misunderstandings arise or worse." He held Jihoon's chin with two fingers and gently tilted the boy's head upwards to meet his eyes. "Jihoon, there's no use denying that I've had partners before, and I have no interest in lying to you. But I want you to know that when I'm here with you now, it means I'm  _here. With you_ and only you, if that makes any sense. Even when we're apart, all the way down the halls at school, or sleeping in two different rooms at night in our own houses, you're always going to be the only person on my mind. There's no competition when it comes to my favorite person because you've already won and I need you to remember that for me, okay?"

 

Jihoon nodded slowly. Unsatisfied, Daniel leaned in to steal a peck and repeated the question: "Okay?". A smile tugged at the corners of Jihoon's lips as he nodded again. "Better."

 

"You're still charged with the responsibility of helping me get rid of my erection though, you know that right?"

 

Daniel rolled his eyes and let out a breathy laugh that, for some weird reason, sounded hot in Jihoon's ears. "C'mere." He pulled Jihoon into his lap and then they were kissing again, but this time lacking the urgency from earlier. Outside, the sky was darkening. In here, they seemed to have completely lost track of time and were barely glancing at the greying clouds that chased the sun away. Why would Jihoon have to search for beauty elsewhere when it was just lying in front of him, under his touches and kisses?

 

A gasp shaped his mouth into an 'o' when he felt a hand palming him through his jeans. He could actually feel Daniel smirking against his lips, the fucker, before taking the opportunity to press his tongue deeper inside.

 

They'd never done this before, though it felt like they had. Jihoon knew when to lift his hips and roll them teasingly into his boyfriend's hand, when to moan into Daniel's mouth to rile him up.

 

When they were done, Jihoon lay in bed and wondered why he couldn't stop feeling Daniel's hands gliding over the parts of his body he never thought he'd show someone else before. And he wondered if that was a good thing or not.

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon woke up with a start.

 

Grabbing a jacket and shoving the book into his bag, he left the house again.

 

Daniel seemed to be everywhere but not where Jihoon wanted him the most, and it was starting to get unbearable.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

"What do you think I should draw?" the girl Seongwoo was assigned to, Jieun, asked him sweetly with her lips pursed in what he assumed was supposed to be a thoughtful kind of pout. Seongwoo smiled and tugged playfully at her pigtails.

 

"Why don't you draw something you think is the most beautiful thing in the world?" he suggested. A chuckle rose in his throat when she scowled after he gave her hair another light tug, looking away indignantly. She sort of made him wish he had younger siblings. It had always been boring to be the only child. His parents were not as bad as Daniel's, but still... he'd always thought that his life began only after he moved into his own home.

 

"But I can't choose!" she whined. Then she looked around and teared up at the sight of the kids around them already starting on their drawings. Seongwoo immediately felt grateful he was an only child.

 

He cupped her small face between his hands and pushed her cheeks together. "There, there, Jieun. Why don't you draw your family?" If he wasn't disgruntled about his less than ideal situation, he'd be marveling at how Jieun had already perfected an impressive eye-roll at her age.

 

" _Everyone_ is drawing their family, I want to do something different." Her voice rose from a trembly squeak to a loud, wavering shout and  _that_ was the moment Seongwoo realized he would be fucked if he didn't solve this now. He could almost feel two holes burning right through his back because Samuel would undoubtedly be glaring at him across the room by now.

 

"How about your favorite person? Jieun ah, if you promise me you'll stop crying, I'll tell you who  _my_ favorite person is, okay? And that's top secret information, you'll be the only person on earth who knows who it is besides me," he lied smoothly, desperately trying to intertwine their pinky fingers together before people started coming over to check up o them. 

 

Sucking on her thumb and gnawing on it, she mumbled, "Favorite person? Chaeyeon told me that having a favorite person means having a crush."

 

_Christ, kids these days are fast._

 

"That's right!" Seongwoo exclaimed, trying to fake as much enthusiasm as he could. "Crushes are people you want to give your whole heart to, and it's a very sweet move to draw them out."

 

After a long moment of deliberation and more persuasion on Seongwoo's side, she finally agreed. "Who is your  _crush_ , Seongwoo oppa? You promised to tell!"

 

A wide grin spread across his face as he put his hands on her shoulders and pivoted her around so that Samuel would be directly in her field of vision. "Him. That pretty teacher standing right there."

 

"Pretty?" she asked, confusion written all over her face. "I thought you could only call girls pretty, and that teacher over there is a  _boy!_ "

 

"A lot of things in this world are pretty, Jieun ah. And they don't have to be girls or feminine in the slightest-- they just have to be something that pleases you to see, something you want to write about, paint canvas after canvas of, or just stare at the whole day. But pretty doesn't just apply to things physically either, they can mean that you have a great personality, and that teacher right there? To me, he's pretty both in and out. He's one of the kindest, most patient people I've ever come across," he told her, almost bursting into laughter at the look Samuel was shooting the both of them like he was sure Seongwoo had somehow convinced Jieun to scheme evil plans together with him.

 

"I don't like him," she whispered, leaning back into his chest, "he looks scary."

 

Plucking a single, bright yellow carnation from the vase sitting in the middle of their craft table, he pushed it into her small hands. "Jieun ah, I'm been meaning to do this for quite some time now, but I'm scared of getting rejected. Would you please do me a favor and give it to him?"

 

She giggled shyly behind her hand as she nodded vigorously. "You  _love_ him, don't you?"

 

Seongwoo didn't reply, only gave her a small push in Samuel's direction. As he watched her waddle down the path towards Sam, he actually  _felt_ a heavy thumping in his chest. It was as though he was nervous.  _Ong Seongwoo, nervous about something like this_ , he laughed internally at himself,  _as if_.

 

He couldn't keep the amusement from playing on his lips as he spotted a  _very provoked_ Samuel striding his way.

 

"Alright, Ong Seongwoo, what do you want exactly?" he hissed.

 

"Alright, Samuel, how about we get a drink tonight?"

 

A few curious people were tuned in to their conversation, but Seongwoo honestly couldn't care less.

 

He was almost shocked when Samuel said nothing, pursed his lips, gave him a tight nod, then returned to his station without another word uttered in hushed anger. No, he was more elated than surprised. For the rest of his shift, Seongwoo behaved and had fun with Jieun, helping her with her art and going along with whatever she said or wanted to do. All the while, he'd been stealing looks at Samuel, who'd been caught a few times for looking his way, too. The latter had tried to play it off as "making sure Seongwoo didn't step out of line or do anything weird", but Seongwoo knew better.

 

He had finally hooked this boy.

 

As soon as the volunteers were done with assisting in the cleaning up of the classroom, Seongwoo made sure to give Jieun an extra-large hug (as she had requested) and an over-exaggerated wink before they climbed up the bus transporting them back to the uni.

 

Hani had made multiple attempts to flirt with him or even get him to notice her at the very least, but that'd be impossible.

 

After all, it was hard to see other people when you started seeing  _past_ them to single out someone specifically.

 

It wasn't until they were halfway back when Seongwoo considered Daniel's words for the first time from earlier that day. He was starting to doubt Samuel was the one who was hooked.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel was feeling jittery standing in front of Jisung's door. He didn't think it was necessary to tell the older guy  _everything_ going on in his life (he was sure he'd receive harsh advice and judgemental looks from this visit only) but Jisung deserved as much for taking care of Daniel for all these years. He'd already knocked three times and was told to shut the fuck up twice. He was anticipating the third shout when suddenly the door flew open and almost caught Daniel in the fucking nose.

 

" _Oh,_ it's you." Jisung appeared tired, eye bags weighing down the bottom of his eyes and he drawled when he spoke. "Come in, Woojin's here."

 

An excuse was already being formed on the tip of his tongue. Daniel was often oblivious, but he wasn't a complete idiot-- he knew it was a bad idea to bring up Jihoon in Woojin's presence. Especially when the memory of Hyungseob was still fresh in Woojin's mind. But Jisung was holding the door open, and he was staring at Daniel like he  _was_ an idiot.

 

"Hey, are you coming in or not? Do you need me to carry you or would you prefer a stroller?"

 

"Wow, you seem to be in an amazing mood today," Daniel remarked as he stepped into the dorm, immediately taking in a whiff of the air inside. He didn't know how Jisung did it, but his apartment  _always_ smelled good even after rare (not really) occasions when Daniel would crash here, passed out drunk after puking up alcohol and his dinner all over the furniture. 

 

Jisung sported an impressive scowl. "Don't mention it. And step out the fucking way before I stub your toe closing the door." Eager to keep Jisung in a good mood today-- though they were obviously off to a pretty bad start-- he obeyed.

 

"Any warnings?" Daniel asked cautiously, eyes unconsciously wandering to the dining room, where Woojin would be seated, still and looking like he hadn't showered for days. They weren't strangers to this side of Woojin, but it seemed like the situation worsened each year and Daniel couldn't help but feel bad he wasn't more concerned about his friend's wellbeing.

 

"Just-- let's talk here," the older guy muttered. "I don't think he can even tell that someone came." Wordlessly, Daniel gravitated towards his favorite couch and collapsed onto it.

 

"His classes?"

 

A grave nod. "He's still attending them. Outside, he's pretty normal, but he demands to stay in whenever he doesn't have anything important scheduled. I'm not even sure if he  _listens_ in lectures. For all I know, he could be zoning out in all of them. But what are you here for, Dan? I can tell you're not here to discuss Woojin's condition." Daniel hated himself for not feeling ashamed when Jisung said those words.

 

"You remember Jihoon, right?" he said quietly, carefully avoiding Jisung's dagger-like glare.

 

"Jihoon? You're here to talk about  _Jihoon?"_   Jisung rose quickly to anger and if he was thinking logically, Daniel couldn't blame him. There wasn't a worse time to bring this up and yet he still did it.

 

"Look, I just wanted to let you know that--"

 

"I already heard about it from Seongwoo. I don't fucking care if you've started fucking around with this Park Jihoon again, but you  _know_ what will happen if Woojin hears you talk about Jihoon. You knew and you still came here to sit down and talk like everything's normal and one of your best friends isn't suffering and grieving over something he blames himself for."

 

"Okay, so Woojin shouldn't be blamed but Jihoon should?"

 

Jisung rolled his eyes and crossed his arms to keep them from flailing all about the place. "This isn't just about Jihoon!" he nearly shouted, the sheer volume of his voice making Daniel flinch. "This isn't just about your boyfriend or whatever the fuck he is and you know it," he accused, this time in a quieter tone. "This is about how Hyungseob died, and how we all played a part in that, and yet Woojin is the only one who ends up shouldering the guilt by himself and you're doing  _nothing_ to help."

 

"I've tried helping! We all have, but  _nothing is working_ and you know it too," he said, body heating up with all the pent-up frustration boiling beneath his skin. He hated how desperate he sounded, how scared he was to lose Jisung's approval, how afraid he was to lose  _Jisung_ himself. The older guy had been the only person he could turn to for validation when he was at his worst, and basically just his entire life. He wanted to leave things broken and just walk out the door and drink till all his problems blurred and he couldn't tell one from the other, but he knew he couldn't. They were treading on thin ice right now, a danger zone at the back of Daniel's brain with yellow tape strung up all over it, but there was no other way out than to face it.

 

"Maybe if we'd chosen to do something different back then, it wouldn't have lead to this now."

 

Daniel could feel his heart stop, the drops of blood smearing over his palm and the tiny crescent-shaped marks where his nails had broken skin.

 

He could see Hyungseob's face, he remembered what they'd all said to the boy that night.

 

The night that had fucked them all over hard.

 

" _Do what?"_

Both Jisung and Daniel turned in the direction of the low, raspy voice that joined them.

 

 _Woojin_.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aiiiiii love you all! please comment and give kudos ai lub you


	12. These are the moments I cherish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from honne's feels so good! (asdhkdf if you're an og nielwink fan, you most probably already know how I got into honne's music)
> 
> i ended this chapter the way I did because the sexual tension between nielwink these days is... suffocating to say the least
> 
> this is unbeta-ed so please point out any mistakes you see!

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Do what?"

 

Woojin's voice wasn't loud, but it made Daniel's heart skip a beat. When he looked over to check, Jisung was staring at him, wide-eyed and panicked, just as Daniel had expected-- because his own face was a mirror to the older boy's.

 

Truthfully, he was tired of keeping this a secret from Woojin, but he couldn't bring himself to put the events of that night into words.  _Call me a fucking pussy, a coward_ , he thought,  _but anything's better than saying it aloud._ He gulped and wiped his hand on his shirt, clenching his teeth when the pain set in. The wounds must be deeper than he initially thought they were.

 

"Woojin, why don't we sit down--"

 

" _No,"_ the younger boy growled, cutting Jisung off abruptly, "I'm sick of you trying to hide this from me. Whatever you guys know about that night that I don't, I deserve to know too."

 

"Woojin, it's really nothing," Daniel stepped in, trying to make Woojin's anger recede. "It's pointless and I--  _we-_ - don't want you worrying over something so small."

 

"Small?" the boy laughed, his eyes red and welling up with tears, " _Small?_ You just hinted that we could've saved Hyungseob and you're calling it a small matter?"

 

Daniel inhaled and wished he had a can of beer clasped in his hands right now. It was early, but something like this required him in a condition where he wasn't sober. Woojin was actually calmer than Daniel would've expected if this had been a planned move. His eyes were still bloodshot and his breaths came in short, angry bursts but still...

 

 _Stop_.

 

Disgust clenched his stomach as he realized how bad of a friend he was being.

 

Jisung covered his face with his hands then dragged them through his hair to grab fistfuls of black locks. "Woojin, we were just trying to protect you."

 

"But I don't  _need your protection!"_ Woojin yelled suddenly, drawing forward and taking a step closer to where the both of them were standing, startling Daniel and making him jump. "I don't  _fucking need_ your constant caring and worrying like I'm a sick child. I'm not..." he let his voice trail away as he scoffed, tears leaving salty trails down his blotchy cheeks, "I'm not lacking  _care_. And no one seems to understand that the only thing I need and that I don't have-- and can never have ever again-- is Hyungseob."

 

His face fell, almost as though even the mask of anger had been shattered and swept away to reveal the only emotion Woojin was capable of feeling.

 

"And I'm so lost," he confessed, voice breaking halfway through. Jisung rushed forward, arms extended to wrap around the boy's trembling frame, but the latter only flinched and avoided Jisung's gaze. "I don't know what went wrong, I'm unsure if it's something I did or said, or... it just happened so suddenly. I'm lost and grieving his death every single day and I keep trying to find ways to love him back to life but I know I  _can't_. I just love him and I don't know how to stop. I don't know if I want to. It's driving me insane that the only thing I know for sure is that no one is telling me the full truth of what happened. I can't just let him go like that. It's not fair for him if you're not telling his story right."

 

"Do you still have it?" Daniel asked softly, turning his attention on the older guy's hunched back. Even as the words left his mouth, he felt his heart drop and he wondered if this was the right decision.

 

Jisung's mouth opened and closed like he was considering lying.

 

Instead, he spilled all the secrets, unwound the lies they'd spun and broke down like a dam overflowing with water.

 

"Woojin, do you remember the book you found in Hyungseob's bedroom?"

 

Already, Woojin's face fell as he gave a terse nod. Uncovering the book beneath layers of dirty laundry in his boyfriend's book wasn't exactly the best moment of Woojin's life. Not when as he flipped through it, he realized that it held ten reasons why Hyungseob should break up with Woojin. The final page was left blank but it was clear what Hyungseob's feelings were like. He was conflicted. Confused. He wondered if Woojin was right for him,  _enough_ for him. And all these things, Woojin had never really considered because for him, Hyungseob had always been the answer to all his questions. There was never really a "what if" or a different ending, there was just a "where" and "when".

 

"We pretended to brush it off in front of you only because we didn't want to stress you out more than you already were but," Jisung stopped himself to inhale sharply before continuing, "we sort of came up with a plan to settle it for you."

 

Woojin swallowed thickly as anger pushed his eyebrows together. "You mean-- make decisions for me?"

 

"Look, we were just  _trying_ to be good friends. We didn't think Hyungseob was right for you. We knew that you would never have the heart to break things off with him so we decided to step in and intervene. You have to understand that it was torturous watching you hurt, Woojin. It wasn't a fun time for you, but it wasn't for us, either. We were  _looking out for you_ ," Daniel explained quickly.

 

"Whatever you guys did, it probably made things worse, huh?" the younger boy scoffed, staring at both his friends whose eyes were quick to avoid his accusatory stare. "Looking out for me? Saying that it was torturous watching me hurt? Pretty ironic considering our situation now."

 

"We had no idea of knowing how it'd turn out! All we wanted was--"

 

"Daniel, just. Stop," breathed Jisung. "He's right."

 

Woojin hurriedly turned his gaze skywards. "So?" he croaked, "what happened?"

 

"We were going to make it unbearable for Hyungseob to date you. Sure, we knew it would be painful for you at the start, but... we'd just assumed that you'd get over it in time. All throughout the night, we ignored him, made fun of him-- just really awful things that we regret doing."

 

"I made it worse, didn't I?" Woojin asked in a shaky whisper.

 

Daniel shook his head, but he still remembered the whole night clearly as though things happened just yesterday. He could feel the buzz of alcohol in his veins, hear the words he'd uttered into Hyungseob's ears as the younger boy cried and tried to explain his reasons behind having the book in his possession, tugging desperately on Daniel's jacket and screaming over the music that he loved Woojin. And his words fell on deaf ears. None of whatever came out of his mouth could change the boys' minds. They surrounded the boy like vultures pecking at their prey, parroting the same phrase over and over again in different ways but implying the same thing-- that wasn't good enough for Woojin, and that he'll  _never_ be.

 

He gripped the edge of a table now, grinding his teeth tightly as he tried to distract himself from the memory but to no avail. He could only stand still as he watched the next scene unfold before his eyes. He saw Hyungseob timidly walking up to Woojin, who'd been seated in the center, sandwiched by two girls cooing into his ears. Woojin was beyond drunk maybe even close to passing out, and he was angry. So much so that when Hyungseob was crying and begging to have some time alone to explain everything, Woojin rejected his request and acted like Hyungseob wasn't there.

 

"This is what you wanted, right? This is the person you painted me to be," Woojin had said.

 

After that, everything was a bit of a blur, like Daniel was forced to sit through the rest of the night in fast-forward mode. But one thing that stood out to him was the memory of his arm wrapped around Jihoon's waist, the weight of Jihoon on his lap, the warmth and wetness of Jihoon's mouth.

 

And then he was pushing Jihoon away. He could tell he'd hurt Jihoon, but he wanted to take things slow. He wanted to be different for this boy whom his heart had fallen so hard for.

 

Then there was Hyungseob, pleading for help, clearly a little drunk and hysterical. There was Daniel ignoring him, driving away as quickly as he possibly could. Later on, in a group meeting turned confession moment, the rest of the boys admitted that Hyungseob had crawled to all of them asking for a ride back home, for any sort of relief, but one by one they turned him away and unknowingly built a clear path to--

 

The car accident that took Hyungseob's life.

 

It was unfair how Daniel had managed to get Jihoon involved in his own shit as well. When Daniel pushed Hyungseob away when the latter needed help the most, Jihoon had listened to him, played along with it. And although Jihoon never had the chance to talk to Daniel about it, he knew that the younger boy blamed himself for Hyungseob's death too.

 

Jisung told him the rest in short outbursts in between sobs.

 

Woojin, surprisingly, remained pretty calm and composed through the pain and agony twisting in his eyes were obvious. Afterwards, he nodded a few times, resigned and weary like he'd given up, before he claimed that he needed some alone time.

 

Unable to stomach it anymore, Daniel did what he did best-- he left.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

His problems never really seemed to end and he was tired of being sick of just living. The day before Jihoon came back, everything had been just fine. Not good, but normal. 

 

His world now was  _far_ from normal.

 

When his phone started ringing, he jumped and quickly pulled it out from his back pocket, expecting to see Jisung or Woojin's name flashing on the screen. Instead, the name 'Jihoon' was burning into his eyeballs with how intensely he was staring at it. For a moment, he considered ignoring the call but his finger was already sliding across the screen on its own accord. He lifted it to his ear and waited with bated breath.

 

 _Nothing_ , he thought with a disappointed sigh. He should've known. It was probably just a mistake.

 

He was about to end it when--

 

" _Daniel?"_

 

 _Fuckfuckfuckfuck I am_ not _prepared for this_.

 

"Yes, this is Daniel. Me. I'm Daniel. Hi. Hey, how are you doing?"

 

" _Did I catch you at a bad time or?"_

" _No_ ," he answered speedily, "Not at all. I'm free to talk right now." He got into his car and shut the door as gently as he could, the other hand resting against the steering wheel. Jihoon didn't respond yet, as though he was trying to fish for the right words, so Daniel just went for it before his balls could retract. "Is everything okay?" He could almost picture Jihoon regretting his decision to call.

 

A sigh sounded on the other end of the line. " _I'm back in Busan right now_."

 

"Oh. Wow, interesting."

 

" _Shut up. I just dropped by the old place we used to visit and I... I just wanted to talk."_ Jihoon cleared his throat like he was embarrassed and the sound was so adorable Daniel had a sudden, fleeting urge to hug the boy breathless. " _You know, about that thing you said to me. That night."_ That stumped Daniel. He racked his brain for anything he might have said to Jihoon that would've prompted a phone call like this, but he got nothing. The younger boy groaned. " _Are you doing this just to make me say it? Because I'm not amused."_

 

"I really don't know what you're talking about."

 

" _You know, when you walked me home," --_ Daniel listened carefully as he heard Jihoon take in a breath-- " _you said you liked me. And that I mean a lot to you still. I know we've agreed to_ not argue _anymore, but I'd like to think that I still deserve to know why you pushed me away."_

 

His fingers tightened their hold on the wheel.  _Why is everyone demanding the truth today_?

 

"Jihoon. I told you. I was scared, stupid and in self denial. I'm sorry, again."

 

_"Stop apologizing every time I talk to you about this."_

 

"It's honestly all I can do."

 

" _No, not really."_ This raised Daniel's eyebrows. " _You said you wanted to remain friends, right?"_

 

A smile was threatening to split his face in half, and as gross as it sounded, it was really the happiest thing that had happened to Daniel this whole week. He nodded vigorously before realizing that Jihoon couldn't see him. " _Yes_ , yeah. Definitely."

 

" _I'm coming back in a day or tw_ o. _Do you want to meet up or something?"_ Daniel voiced his affirmation multiple times and to his surprise, it actually pulled a small laugh right out of reserved, quiet Jihoon.  _Will wonders ever cease? "Alright then, tell me when you're free and we'll arrange something."_ There was silence on the line for a few beats but they both knew that the call wasn't over yet. Jihoon was hesitating and they both felt it. " _Thank you for picking up, Daniel, I really needed this."_

 

"I remember that you told me that you trusted me on that same night, Jihoon. Just so you know that I haven't forgotten about it."

 

_"It better not be this awkward when we actually meet later on."_

 

"It's not Daniel and Jihoon if it isn't awkward or angsty."

 

Jihoon laughed his soft, tinkling laugh. " _Bye_ ," he said gently.

 

Daniel's heart clenched and did a weird little dip when the time came for him to end the call.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon wasn't exactly sure why he called, or why he was even asking Daniel out on a...  _date?_ Meeting? Friendly outing? All he knew was that it put his heart to ease to know that things weren't exactly  _weird_ between them. Sure, it was strange talking to his ex on the phone, but not being enemies with Daniel seemed so natural. It was like things were finally moving into place. The world was never going to be the same as it had been back then, but sometimes new changes that take place in your world can feel familiar, too. Like this one.

 

Being friends with Daniel. Or whatever they were now.

 

His hand moved along the banister as he made his way down the staircase soundlessly. The way he'd learned how to when his father was in the house. The smell of his mother's cooking permeated the air and drew him closer to the kitchen. His mother wasn't the best cook, but lately Jihoon had been wanting to savor every bite to appease his mum, maybe even make her happy.

 

"Hey, mum," he called quietly.

 

"Jihoon," she smiled, turning around to look at her son. The joy in her eyes turned into sadness and longing in just a second. "I can't believe you're going back tomorrow."

 

"It's not like I'm never coming back or something," he assured her. "I will."

 

"But you don't have to. I know it must be...  _painful_ to live under this roof again," she said, returning her attention to her cooking. Placing her hands on the edge of the countertop to stabilize herself, she exhaled and shook her head. "I've been wanting to talk to you about this for a long time now, but I just didn't know how. Sit down, Jihoon, please." She turned off the stove and settled into her favorite chair, hands folded on the table.

 

Jihoon's teeth were already sinking into the soft flesh of his bottom lip. "Sitting makes me anxious."

 

His mother offered him a small smile. "Please? I don't think this is the kind of conversation that's going to last five minutes only." Jihoon contemplated for a moment before complying grudgingly. "Thank you." Her face was lined, tired and pure nervousness was curving her lips into a deep frown. "I need to apologize. For everything that has happened these past few years. And I just wanted to tell you that-- you don't have to force yourself to come back here just because I asked. You're an adult now, you have the right to make your own decisions. And I'm  _so_ sorry that we took that away from you when you were younger.

 

"I'm aware of all the difficulties you went through alone when you were a teen, trapped here in your own home and I want you to know that I'm so sorry for all of them. And for not being there when you needed support the most."

 

"Is this about me being gay?" Her lips thinned and she drummed her fingers against the wood of the table before nodding slowly.

 

"Yes, that and many other things. Are you still...?" Her question was left hanging in the air but Jihoon knew what she meant.

 

"It wasn't just a phase, if that's what you're asking. I'm gay and yeah... that hasn't changed since I came out to you guys." He braced himself for an onslaught of insults, a lecture for not abiding to the 'laws of nature' or whatever bullshit his father had fed him before, but nothing like that came. There was only understanding in the way his mother nodded to herself again. It was slow, hesitant, but it was there.

 

"And do you have a someone special yet, Jihoon?"

 

 _Oh my fuck_. Jihoon knew that his mother only bore good intentions and was trying to built her presence in his life now, but  _lord_ the last thing he wanted to do now was talk to his mum about his love life. Or lack thereof. Because he knew what this would lead to and he was  _not_ going to sit through another birds and the bees talk (birds and the birds/ bees and the bees). 

 

"No, I don't," he lied through his teeth even though Guanlin instantly came up in his mind. "And, uh, about not coming back," he started to say just to change the subject from awful to a little better but not good, "I'm okay. With it. You're right, things were hard for me here but I need to learn how to face my problems instead of running away. I can't guarantee that I'll make visits every other week but I'll... I'll come back. I want to see you. After all, I grew up here and it'll be too big a part of my life to just stash away like nothing happened."

 

She closed her eyes tightly and drew in a strained breath. "You grew up so much by yourself. You're an amazing person, Jihoon, and eventhough I had no part in shaping you into the fine man you are today, I'm still proud to call you my son. If I even reserve the right to call you that still."

 

Jihoon cringed when she called him a ' _fine man_ ', but his heart warmed at how hard she was  _trying_. "Of course you do. Mum." He reached forward, hands hovering above hers for a few seconds because he wasn't completely sure of how to comfort someone. This was the kind of thing they don't have a manual for.

 

"Jihoon, I'm not done yet. Your father and I-- we're going to get a divorce."

 

"Good," he said, shocking himself with how quickly he's replied, and how resolute he sounded.

 

"He's been cheating on me. On our family."

 

"That bitch deserves to die."

 

"I'm not going to lie. I think he deserves as much, too. For making me bend to his laws all these years, for making me do all these disgusting actions to you. For turning you away, raising you in the worst condition possible. But I let him, Jihoon. I let him manipulate me. And for that, I deserve the same, too."

 

"Stop blaming yourself," Jihoon told her, though he was starting to feel resentment rising in him from hearing her words.  _Just ghosts from my past,_ he thought. "He was violent. And he had power over the both of us. You only wanted to protect yourself."

 

"But I should have protected  _you_ ," she fought back, hands shaking in his. "I'm not a good mother."

 

His eyes fluttered shut.  _I'm not a good mother_. The words resounded in his head like they were said in an empty cave. For a brief second, they almost unleashed all the anger that they'd planted in him growing up from all the times he had to watch while his father beat his mum up, from all the times they should've been there for him but weren't. For all the leftover bitterness and grudges he thought he could leave behind when he finally got onto the car heading for university. He was  _robbed_ of his childhood. He should've been gifted a happy, normal life. He didn't have to be rich-- all he ever wished for for every birthday up until he was fourteen was to have loving family to embrace him and accept him and give him the life everyone else seemed to have.

 

His dad was supposed to teach him his favorite sport and watch the games together. His mother was supposed to bake a cake with him every birthday so that they could celebrate at night. They were supposed to get him a car when he was finally of age to drive, and he was supposed to learn how with either one of his parents. Instead, his entire life could be summarized into a never-ending cycle of pain and disappointment and yearning for things he never had.

 

But he made mistakes, too. He had a lot of baggage from his past, but one by one, he'd lose them. He'd lose them so naturally, one day he'd wake up and he wouldn't even notice the emptiness on his shoulders where all the extra weight had been centered on before.

 

"It's not too late to try," he whispered. "It's never too late to fix things."

 

He said that for her as much as he needed to hear it himself.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

"How was the train back from Busan?" Samuel grinned, pulling Jihoon into a (strictly) bro hug as soon as he saw the boy entering their room.

 

"It was a bus," Jihoon replied with as much annoyance as he could muster but he returned his best friend's embrace anyway. "It was surprisingly okay a trip. Too bad you couldn't come with me. I have  _so many_ things to tell you. It was so weird being back there, but it was-- the nice kind of weird. Like, an episode of revelation. If my life was a tv show, this episode would be called fucking ' _Epiphany_ '." Jihoon kicked his duffel into the room and closed the door behind him, automatically shrugging off his jacket. He picked up an apple off Samuel's desk and bit into it on the way to his bed.

 

"First of all,  _ew_. That is so pretentious sounding." Jihoon snorted. "Secondly, you're not going to sleep tonight until you spill. Everything." When Jihoon looked at Samuel, he could tell that the latter was nervous beneath the happy pretense. He suspected it had something to do with his father.

 

If Jihoon was being honest with himself, he was still a little mad at his best friend for allowing himself to tackle his problems alone despite the better-than-expected outcome of the visit. He sat back against the bed frame and smirked at Samuel.

 

"You look happy," Samuel remarked timidly.

 

Wordlessly, Jihoon shrugged and filled the silence with another loud, wet crunch as he bit into the mutilated apple again.

 

The younger boy rolled his eyes and marched towards Jihoon, poking the latter's leg with his own toe. "Come on, I said I was  _sorry,"_ he whined.

 

"I never said I forgive you," he countered smugly, watching Samuel pout and try to earn some pity points by acting like an injured puppy pawing at his human's leg for attention.

 

"But you kinda did. You said it was  _okay_ , that it was fine. Jihoon, did everything go well? Did he try to do anything to you again?" Samuel prodded persistently. Unbothered, Jihoon smiled sweetly and presented Samuel with the apple core, eyes traveling to the trash can across the room. The younger boy accepted the 'gift', careful when handling it so that he wouldn't touch the spots where Jihoon had chewed on, and threw it away but not without complaining the whole time. "This is bullying."

 

"This is called making amends," Jihoon corrected. "Let's talk after dinner. It's almost six anyway."

 

"Why not during dinner?"

 

" _Because_ , it's rude to talk while eating. Also, I won't be having dinner with you tonight, so you can go weep in a corner while you wait for my return." When Samuel pressed on and demanded to know why they weren't eating together later, Jihoon sighed and said, "I'm going out with someone else."

 

Samuel threw his hands up into the air in disbelief. "I'm you're  _only_ friend."

 

"No sweetheart, you're not. You're my  _best_ friend, but I have more than one person I hang out with, thank you very much. I'm hungry, I'm gonna go get changed right now."

 

"Hold on, hold on." Samuel pulled Jihoon closer and pinned the latter down with his stare. "Are you...  _going on a date?"_ He whispered the last few words like they were a secret.

 

Really, Jihoon almost gagged.

 

"I'm more likely to go to a club for the first time in a few years than I am to go on a date with this guy. No, I am  _not_ going on a date. It's just a friendly meet up with... an old friend."  _An old friend_. That was technically all that Daniel was to him now, but it still felt wrong to label the older boy that simply. How about crush turned boyfriend turned back-stabbing ex turned apologetic jerk who confessed that he still had feelings for Jihoon?

 

"Do I know him?"

 

He hesitated, wondering if he should lie his way out of this but ultimately decided against it. Samuel could normally tell when he was lying and whenever he got suspicious, he'd be hellbent on getting to the bottom of it. "Yes, you do."

 

"So, can I get a name or something?" he asked. "There's literally no reason for you to act like you're on a secret mission unless you know I'm not going to approve."

 

"Think of this as part of your punishment," Jihoon replied with a sly smile, slipping under Samuel's hold to escape easily enough. He made for his closet, throwing the doors open and rummaging through the already messy piles of clothes inside. Pulling out a simple T-shirt with a cat on it, he whipped around to show Samuel. "Cute, right?"

 

"That looks like something I wore as a eight year old that my niece puked on because it was hideous."

 

"I'm wearing it anyway," Jihoon declared, followed by a hum. He paired it with a simple pair of jeans and threw in a cardigan just because. "It's not like I'm trying to impress him. It's not like I ever try to impress anyone."

 

"That sounded fake, rehearsed and exactly like what a panicking gay would say."

 

"Don't make me regret calling you my best friend."

 

"You're telling me  _everything_ when you come back, alright?" Samuel called after him when the door clicked open. "Remember to use protection!" he shouted loudly, drawing the attention of the guy who happened to be passing by at the right time.

 

"Samuel when I come back I will  _fucking cut your balls out_ ," he hissed viciously before slamming the door shut.

 

Well, at least things were normal again.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

"You told me I didn't look like I was trying too hard," Daniel seethed into the phone, trying to keep his voice as low as possible in case anyone could overhear their conversation. "You  _promised_."

 

" _You sound like a fucking kid this is actually comedic gold. I said you didn't look like a try hard_ before _you walked out the door but right after you shut it I suddenly decided otherwise,"_ Seongwoo laughed hysterically, so loud that Daniel had to pull the phone away from his ear before something popped.

 

"Stop that _,"_ he chided, "you sound like a fucking hyena and now people are watching me. So do I look bad or not?"

 

" _Uh, you don't look bad necessarily. Just... like a fuckboy. Which is definitely what you are, so that's good-- you're not changing yourself to appear nice and decent. At least you're not pretentious, right?"_

 

Daniel grimaced. "You're really not helping  _at all_."

 

" _I'm glad you just figured that out."_

 

Daniel looked down at his own outfit, face crestfallen and the corners of his lips pulled down. If he were a hybrid in some cartoon, his dog-ears would be pointing downwards right now. He had on a  _leather jacket_ , for fuck's sake. He quickly shrugged it off in attempt to make himself look more Sunday church day like. The long-sleeved white shirt he had underneath was okay but unfortunately too  _fucking thin_. He even considered asking the barista to crank up the heat even more before spotting the couple that had been occupying the seats crowded around the fireplace leave. Pressing his phone between his cheek and shoulder, he hurriedly moved towards the armchairs and plopped down onto the still-warm cushions.

 

" _Are you okay there? Did you die?"_

 

"No _,_ " he growled, moving closer to the fire until it was mere inches away from licking his face.

 

" _Oh_ ," Seongwoo replied, sounding disappointed even. When his hands were finally warm enough, he tried to fold the leather jacket on his lap with only one hand, which obviously wasn't about to work any time soon but he still persisted.

 

"Fucking _fold_ you asshole," he gritted.

 

" _That's pretty kinky, Daniel, not sure if I'm into it."_

 

Sighing in exasperation, he grunted a half-assed reply to Seongwoo, "I wasn't talking to you."

 

"Here, hand that over," instructed a new voice behind him.

 

"It's fine," he breathed impatiently, "I got this."

 

" _Who're you talking to_ now _?"_ Seongwoo asked the same time the stranger behind him reached over his shoulder to grab at the jacket with a disgruntled groan. Quick to react, Daniel's hand shot out just in time to hold on to the other end of it, pulling down to snatch it back.

 

When he turned around sharply, annoyance pushing his brows together, to reprimand whoever thought it'd be a good idea to  _steal_ a jacket in public like this, he realized that once again, he'd managed to land himself in a situation like this--

 

Eyes locked, hearts beating in tandem, breaths away from none other than Park Jihoon's face which mirrored the shock on his own.

 

His first thought was to lean in for a kiss.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm back from the dead!!! I just finished with my exams, hope this wasn't too late (are there still people reading this lolll)
> 
> don't worry people, I'm really hellbent on finishing this before everything wraps up this year. three more chapters to go! I'll be speed writing in my free time since FUCK YES NO MORE EXAMS FOR THE REST OF THIS YEAR so look forward to that
> 
> for new reader, old ones who're still around, I love you all so so much you guys don't even know. writing iwlhtc has been one epic journey for me lemme tell you that
> 
> leave your love down in the comments below please <333 I love you all, I hope the ending doesn't disappoint anyone!


	13. Déjà vu

 

 

 

 

 

Before anything else could happen, Jihoon pulled away, releasing his grasp on the jacket like it burned his hand. He looked away, abashed and flustered, unsure of what to say next. He cleared his throat and made himself comfortable in the seat opposite Daniel's and started to speak, but with his eyes still fixed on the floor. "Do you always get dinners at cafes or something?"

 

"They sell good food and amazing coffee, so... yes?" Daniel answered awkwardly, completely giving up on folding the fucking jacket. He dropped it onto the ground next to his seat and clicked on the button to end the call with Seongwoo.

 

To his surprise, Jihoon rolled his eyes and offered a good-natured smile, leaning forward to fish the thing up into his lap, silently folding it neatly. He didn't hand it back to the older guy, choosing to hold on to it instead. Daniel wasn't sure if Jihoon was doing that on purpose or it was just something he didn't pay much mind to, but it made his heart stutter just the same.

 

"How do you order food around here?" Jihoon asked.

 

Daniel pulled out two menus from the stand sitting on the table, handing one over to Jihoon. To fit in with the rustic theme the cafe had going on, the menus were basically just old, yellowed papers tied together with a single white ribbon. "We have to write our own orders down on a piece of paper and then pass it to the waiters." There was a silent moment when both of them studied the menus together. Daniel came here so often that all the workers here recognized him as a regular and knew his order but he still let his eyes rove over the writings to have something to do. So that he wouldn't get caught staring at how beautiful Jihoon looked just sitting there.

 

And forget how much he wished he could kiss Jihoon right now.

 

"Do you... do you notice people staring at us?" Their eyes met, the nervousness alive in Jihoon's pretty eyes. Daniel had to get used to this somehow. Talking  _casually_ with the younger boy. "It just feels like they're kinda angry. At me."

 

"I think it's because they're not used to seeing me come here with a friend. I'm always coming here by myself."

 

"Ah," the younger boy nodded. "Not even with Seongwoo?" he added with an averted gaze. like he was embarrassed.

 

Daniel didn't know how to react to this. Was it a test? Just a simple question? He let his hands flail around in the air for a second before they returned to his side. " _No_. Like, no, not really. Cafes aren't really his scene."

 

"I'll have to be honest, I didn't think they were yours either," remarked Jihoon with what could only be described as a knowing smirk.

 

The cafe's doors burst open, a new group of college kids pouring in while laughing, their entrance heralded by a strong gust of cold wind. Jihoon turned around to look and Daniel watched as the boy's face fell when a member of the bunch let her eyes linger on Daniel for a second too long. As much as he didn't want to admit it, Daniel  _did_ recognize her as one of his no-strings-attached hook ups. Before Jihoon. Before  _everything_.

 

"I come here for my assignments and... when I need to take a break," he said, rushing through his reply in hopes of diverting Jihoon's attention. "I like your shirt," he blurted.

 

Jihoon's eyebrow arched as he peered down at his own shirt like he just noticed it. "Thanks. Better than leather jackets, right?" He laughed as Daniel spluttered before setting down his menu carefully to write his order down on the piece of white paper provided. "I'm just kidding, Daniel," he said softly. When he was done, he slid the paper across the table for Daniel.

 

"No, seriously. I love cats."

 

"I know." The clipped reply came quickly and it made Daniel curl back into his chair. It felt like he'd just been reprimanded. Jihoon waved at a waiter nearby and smiled sweetly at the part timer who was obviously taken by the boy right away. The waiter-- his nametag told Daniel that his name was Jaehwan-- did a very  _unnecessary_ action of repeating the order but Jihoon played along and soon, Daniel slumped in his seat and folded his hands across his chest, bottom lip jutting out slightly to punctuate his annoyance at the interaction.

 

When Jaehwan had gone away to place their order, Jihoon looked at Daniel curiously. "What's up with that face? You look like someone just took a dump on your face."

 

"Nothing. I'm hungry."

 

"Hungry?"

 

"Yes."

 

"You sound more like you're angry," the younger boy pointed out.

 

"I'm angry because I'm hungry."

 

Jihoon didn't question his statement but it was obvious he found it weird. He collected both menus and dumped them back into their place. "Is their coffee as good as the one back in Busan? I just went back recently and it still tastes the same." Daniel knew which place the boy was talking about but he was just taken aback by how casually Jihoon dropped the mention of the corner cafe they used to frequent as a couple.

 

"It's good. But everything in Busan tastes like home."  _You_ , Daniel wanted to say,  _you feel like home_ _, too._ "Jihoon, is there a reason behind this?"

 

"What?" Jihoon was buying time thumbing the worn edges of the menu, keeping his gaze off Daniel.

 

"You wanting to meet me. Is something wrong?"

 

"No. Nothing," the younger boy shrugged. "It's just... being back in our hometown made me feel  _something_. A bunch of crazy things happened while I was there. I met my mum and we had a talk about stuff we've left untouched for way too long. The whole experience just made me realize how we never see things from others' perspective and I wanted to know yours. About that. Us-- about us. You brought up a good point the other day that I always demand reasons and explanations behind things I don't understand and when people try to talk to me, I turn away and choose not to believe them. It kinda feels like I've been an asshole myself too."

 

"That's a valid reaction. I hurt you. People around you hurt you. You're not wrong to second-guess people."

 

"But it's wrong to not give them a second chance if they've been asking and pleading for it. I told you that I trust you, Daniel. This is me trusting you."

 

 _A second chance?_ Daniel sat on the edge of his seat, wondering if they were on the same page. Was Jihoon really considering--

 

"I really want to be friends." Jihoon smiled the same time Daniel's hope was dampened and stepped on. But he maintained his grin because-- he tried to convince himself-- being friends was better than nothing. Better than the constant hating and fighting and the misunderstandings they let grow and fester for years.  _This is okay_ , he told himself. But he wasn't sure if he believed it was.

 

"Yeah," he agreed with as much excitement as he could muster, "friends."

 

"I hope you're not disappointed," Jihoon started to say.  _Oh if you only knew._ "That I dragged you all the way out here to talk about this.  _Again_."

 

"No, it's fine." Daniel let his lips curve into a smile. "So, we're going to ask each other questions?"

 

"I guess. As you can probably tell, I've never really been that good at confrontations."

 

Jaehwan stopped by at their table and unloaded their food and drinks onto the table carefully, taking more time than needed. "Enjoy your meal," he said, looking  _only_ at Jihoon. He lingered for just a few more seconds before moving on to the next group requesting their bill.

 

"Interested?" Daniel couldn't help it. He  _had_ to know.

 

Jihoon only shook his head slowly, hesitantly, as he warmed the pads of his fingers by pressing them to his cup of hot latte. "Not in him," he answered in a small voice that carried a barely-there trace of anticipation that Daniel dreaded. "Someone else."

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon hoped that he'd done the right thing by telling someone-- even if it was Daniel-- about his tiny crush on a certain gentlemanly giant. He knew that Guanlin and Daniel weren't on good terms, but Samuel would probably overreact and Minki hadn't exactly reached out to him these past few days. He had to tell someone. And Daniel was just--  _here_.

 

 _It's not a big deal_ , he told himself. But it was. He wanted to call Samuel and tell him that he was wrong with his theory that Jihoon was just projecting his feelings for Daniel on someone newer but still similar.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

"Someone else?" Daniel echoed, feeling hollow.

 

Jihoon gave a simple nod as though it wasn't that big of a deal. "You know him."

 

"I see," the older boy said, pushing his plate of corned beef hash away, all appetite lost. Jihoon looked at him weirdly, then proceeded to delve into his meal happily like he'd been starving for days. Once he'd had a bite, he made a loud noise of exclamation to emphasize how good it was. He swallowed the huge bite then stared at Daniel with wide eyes.

 

"This is  _so_ good," he stressed. "But it's so weird that they sell things like this."

 

"Only at night after seven."

 

"You aren't eating yours?" Jihoon licked his lips, eyeing Daniel's food with a hungry gaze that rivaled a wolf's. The serving was huge and although the older boy could usually devour his without a problem, he wasn't sure if today was one of those days. Daniel pulled the extra plate closer to scoop a heaping, steaming pile of the hash for Jihoon to enjoy. "Are you sure?"

 

"I don't want you starving to death just right after we became friends," he said with a smile. "Is it  _that_ good _?"_

 

Jihoon tried a bit of his hash and covered his mouth, letting out a moan as he pointed at it. "You didn't tell me this was better than what I ordered!"

 

"Do you want to switch?" the older boy offered with a sheepish shrug.

 

" _No_ , I can finish this myself just fine."

 

"I forgot what a glutton you are." Daniel drummed his fingers against the table and rested his head on his palm, propped upright by his elbow. "Gluttony is one of the seven sins, you know."

 

Jihoon waved a fork dangerously close to his eyes and frowned disapprovingly at Daniel. "So is lust, but here you are, sitting in a cafe full of people you've probably slept or flirted with. Hypocrisy at it's best," the younger boy said, triumphant when Daniel provided no reply. He shoved another spoonful into his mouth and hummed, content and satisfied. "Did something happen? Why are you so quiet today?"

 

"What do you mean today? I'm quiet and well-behaved all the time."

 

"You're loud, totally into yourself, you're the campus' life of the party. It's not in character to sit in a dark corner of a cafe and mope," Jihoon pointed out, taking a break from eating to take a sip of his drink. Daniel could tell that Jihoon had loosened up considerably in his presence.  _Christ_ , was this what he had to do this whole time? Just offer the boy some food and he'll take it willingly in exchange for his trust? He reminded Daniel of a puppy, the one he found in his backyard when he was six. The memory was a joyous one that put a fond smile on his face as he watched Jihoon vacuum in his food urgently like someone was about to come by and pry it from his cold dead hands.

 

"I'm living up to a myth, stories people built around me," Daniel explained, spearing his food with a fork.

 

"Well," Jihoon started to say, cheeks packed round and tight with food, "you don't have to. No one's gonna kill you if you aren't  _Kang Daniel_ for one day."

 

He put down the cutlery and sighed. "I do. People will start talking if I don't."

 

"Proof?"

 

Daniel tilted his head slightly to one side.

 

"See? You don't  _have_ proof of what will happen after. You're exhausting yourself worrying about your next step more than you should." Jihoon set down his fork and spoon as well, folding his arms on the table to lean forward. "I've been in your shoes before. Things almost never go as we plan. Did you think that when I enrolled in this university, I'd meet my only ex? I came here thinking that I'll be able to start a new life, that it'd be my stepping stone to a future with all ties to my background cut and thrown away. The universe likes to fuck around with us sometimes. In my case, it had me doing the exact opposite of what I planned out. I solved things with my mum, revisited my past and stopped avoiding you. Sometimes, all you have to do is live in the present and take out the trash."

 

"Philospher Park Jihoon," Daniel marveled.

 

Jihoon was about to retrieve his arms, ready to go back to eating, but Daniel's hand shot out to keep them where they were before he could think twice. "Thank you, Jihoon. I mean it. You didn't have to... help me, but you did and I appreciate that. It's more than anyone has ever done for me."

 

"I tell you to stop apologizing and now you start thanking me?" mumbled the boy in response, acting like he was disgruntled. His face was flushed, the pink coloring in his full cheeks planting a strong itch in Daniel to kiss him there. His fingers moved beneath Daniel's. "People are starting to stare."

 

"Really, Park Jihoon, you literally told me to stop thinking about what other people are saying. Hypocrisy at its best."

 

"You can't use my own advice against me," Jihoon grumbled, breaking free from Daniel's hands. He went back to eating like nothing had just happened.

 

"It's for your own good," Daniel countered. Jihoon only shrugged in response. He wasn't sure if the younger boy was upset because of the hand-holding thing or if it was something else. Across him, the boy was sporting a frown (a thoughtful frown? Daniel was going to have to start coming up with other words to replace the word 'frown'-- Jihoon just had too many kinds). When his eyes lifted from his plate of food, he noticed how the older boy was staring off listlessly into space.

 

"Why aren't you eating?" he asked.

 

Daniel shook his head then flashed Jihoon a smile (Daniel almost had enough kinds of smiles to counter Jihoon's frowns). He pushed his bowl towards Jihoon. "You eat."

 

He thought he'd never seen Jihoon happier.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

"What do we do now?" Daniel asked. They were now standing outside after Daniel paid for their meal. Jihoon wanted to split, but the older guy insisted. He'd already apologized and thanked Jihoon countless times, but it still felt like he owed the boy a few more.

 

They were standing next to each other in silence and it was raining heavily. For a moment, Daniel had a crazy déjà vu moment back to legendary magic condom night. If someone had told Daniel on that day that Jihoon and he would be friends once again, he wouldn't have believed it. It just seemed impossible. And yet, here they were, standing next to each other, watching the rain fall and collect at their feet in puddles. Except, it felt different this time.

 

When Daniel spied at Jihoon out of his peripheral vision, he could make out the trace of a smile beginning to form. He wondered if the younger boy was recalling the same memory in his head. He couldn't risk turning fully to look at the boy-- he knew that Jihoon would only put on a scowl out of habit.

 

But he was happy.

 

 

 

 

He also wondered--

 

He wondered if he could ask Jihoon if he wanted his hand held again. He knew that Jihoon was scared of storms and as much as he hated to admit it, he was starting to forget how it felt like to have the younger boy's hands  _properly_ held in his. But Jihoon had someone else in his heart right now. Daniel wasn't going to ruin that for the younger boy. He'd already destructed enough things in the boy's life. Even if he wanted more than anything in this moment to hold Jihoon to his chest and run his fingers through the boy's hair, he couldn't.

 

_I hope I'm doing something right._

 

 

 

 

 

_\-----_

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon shivered, silently cursing the bite of the chill in the air.

 

He wished that there was a hand holding him right now.

 

Daniel wasn't even looking his way.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel unzipped his bag and took out the jacket that Jihoon had helped him fold. He handed it over to the boy. "Here. I know it's not exactly the nicest jacket but I don't want you getting cold. I'm sorry you have to look like an asshole, I guess."

 

Jihoon stared at it then burst out laughing. He accepted the jacket and slipped it on, immediately feeling better. He said as much. "Thank you."

 

"We should probably head somewhere warm. We shouldn't even have left the cafe," Daniel lamented. "I have two places in mind. But I'm going to sound like a total fuckboy when I tell you the second option."

 

"What's the first?"

 

"There's a bookshop nearby and the owner's familiar with me so he lets me sit and read in a corner all the time. Well, _I_ don't read but Jisung does. He'll be cool with us waiting the storm out.  _But_ it closes up at nine and... it's minutes away from nine."

 

Jihoon blew out a breath, the air lifting his bangs from his forehead. "The second option?"

 

"I always come here because it's near my apartment..." he started to say, then burst out laughing at Jihoon's expression. "I told you I was going to sound like a total fuckboy! Seongwoo's home too, so you don't have to worry but I understand if you're uncomfortable. Or we could just stay inside my car for the time being. I'll crank up the heat and we can sit and wait till the rain stops. I have chips and oreos if you want them."

 

"I do. I really want them."

 

The older guy shook his head but he dug out his keys without a word of protest. They walked to Daniel's car together but there was a distance of a few inches between them maintained as if they'd silently agreed on it. Daniel made sure that the younger boy was seated comfortably in the passenger seat before he walked over to the driver's.

 

"You're dripping all over the place," Jihoon mentioned like it wasn't obvious enough.

 

"Good. Maybe my car will be cleaner now," Daniel replied, to which Jihoon responded by emitting a disgusted noise at the back of his throat. He reached over to the back seat to fish out his snacks, throwing them over his shoulder until he was sure there was nothing left out.

 

"I'm gonna eat the oreos first," the younger declared, holding up the thing like it was a trophy. "Then I'm going to eat the chips."

 

Daniel stared at the other in amazement. "You're a bottomless pit I swear. You're literally devouring every bit of food offered to you."

 

"Why would you reject something good?" Jihoon said, tearing open the packaging carefully. "Here, I'll give you  _one_."

 

He thought the situation was somewhat ridiculous but he accepted the oreo anyway, cradling it in his palm like it was his firstborn. "So... are we going to talk?"

 

"That's the plan, yeah. You start." It wasn't hard to see why Jihoon wanted Daniel to go first-- his mouth was preoccupied with licking the cream, face full of determination. Daniel had to tear his eyes away from the sight because  _god he was a fucking depraved freak._ He cleared his throat and tried counting the raindrops pit-pattering on his windscreen to calm himself down. He was just so scared of saying one wrong thing-- it felt like he was walking on thin ice. Like he was going to literally  _die_ if he took the wrong step.

 

What was Jihoon looking for? No one wrote manuals on how to apologize or give an explanation for being a jerk. Because there was  _no_ fucking excuse for it.

 

The real reason behind him pushing Jihoon away publicly at school? He was guilty. He saw Jihoon and the only thing that appeared before him was the memory of Hyungseob pleading them for help. He was selfish, he admitted that-- he wanted to avoid the problem for as long as he could. And to him, at that time, was pushing away everything that could possibly trigger an unwanted memory. For days, weeks, months after he slammed Jihoon against that locker, he'd look at his hands and feel  _disconnected,_ hating himself more than he'd ever despised living with the knowledge that he could only be himself for the rest of this lifetime. He wished that he was in another body, living another life where he didn't have to care so much about his image and he could be openly kissing and holding hands with boys. With  _a_ boy.

 

He wanted to stick with his old story, tell Jihoon the usual.

 

But he did it for Hyungseob. He was a boy who deserved to have his story told truthfully.

 

And he did it for Woojin, too. 

 

It was funny, in a way, how people lied to make their lives better, give themselves a little comfort, but in the end, they'd tangle. They'd tangle and trip you over and before you know it, you'd be witnessing people you love leaving your story. Daniel had once lied to put up a false image for people to marvel at so he could hide how ugly he truly was. How ugly he  _felt._ He was done with that.

 

He just hoped that Jihoon wouldn't leave him.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon's face was stone-like, his eyes austere. His hand was on the dashboard like he was finding something to grip on for support. He'd wanted the truth but he didn't expect Daniel to reopen an old wound like this. And so, he didn't know how to react. He wanted to be furious with the older boy on behalf of his friend but if he looked at things from Daniel's point of view too...

 

He just didn't know what to say. Jihoon was characteristically quiet but it was a rare occurrence for him to have nothing to say.

 

"You didn't kill him," Jihoon supplied because it was the only thing he could say truthfully. He knew as much. What happened with Hyungseob might have stemmed from Daniel and his friends' actions but no one could have seen that coming. Maybe it was a dark twist of fate. Or something else. But even as Jihoon said those words, he felt a knife plunging into his stomach and twisting in his flesh.

 

"I feel like I did," Daniel sighed, voice weary. He was slumped over in his seat, head pressed against the steering wheel.

 

Jihoon bit his lip and shook his head, willing himself not to do something he'll regret. But the problem was that he didn't know  _what_ that would be. This was just... a lot to handle at once.

 

"You couldn't have predicted that." His voice was hollow even to his own ears. "No, really," he said, looking over at Daniel. "I just-- I don't know what to say."

 

"Me neither. Every time I laugh with my friends I'll suddenly think about him sometimes. About how he deserves to be the one standing in my place."

 

"I deserve to be blamed as much as you accuse yourself. I was in the car with you that night--"

 

" _No,"_ Daniel interjected, " _stop_. This is why I was hesitant about telling you. I know it's the right thing to do-- letting you know-- but I knew you'd say it's your fault too. It's not. Please just...  _stop_." Jihoon could hear the strain in the older boy's voice. "I already hate myself so much, I don't need this right now, okay? I'm tired of people taking the shit for me. It seems like whatever I do, I'll mess it up and someone will step in saying they share the blame and it-- it  _hurt_ _s._ It fucking sucks that I'm dragging people into my mess and no matter how hard I try, I never seem to make things better."

 

Jihoon sucked in a breath. "People can make their own decisions, it's not something you can control. And I think you're making things better now."

 

"It doesn't feel like it." Jihoon wanted to talk more about Hyungseob but as of now, it was clear it wouldn't do either of them any good. Hyungseob was a sweet guy, more than nice. And they were  _friends_. Jihoon had harbored his guilt and kept it a tightly sealed secret for a long time now, too. The fact that first thing on Monday morning, he was worrying about Daniel's relationship with him rather than his best friend whose request for help he denied the night before. It was a shitty thing to do especially because he  _knew_ that Daniel would've helped Hyungseob if he asked. He didn't. That night, there was some selfish part in him that wanted it to be just them.

 

He pressed his temple to the cool glass of the window.

 

"Daniel, do you really... hate yourself?"

 

"Jihoon, I'm not  _who I am._ Or, who people see me as. I feel like a living, walking lie most of the time and every day, when people praise me for downing seven bottles the night before, or when I've just spent the night with another person, or just about  _anything_ _i do_ , I'm just reminded of how I'll never live up to the perfect standards people hold me to if I were really myself. I  _can't_ be myself without disappointing others. It's just so tiring to keep up this facade twenty four seven but it's become so natural for me to just fall into this whole other Daniel I've created. So natural that by the end of the day, when I'm lying in bed, really myself again, I find myself wanting to slip back into that persona because it's hard to stay...  _me_. And that's completely fucked up."

 

"Hey," Jihoon called softly, tapping on Daniel's shoulders, "hey, look at me." When their eyes were finally locked again, Jihoon took in a deep breath before he started speaking. "Daniel, I think I'm one of the few people who've seen both sides of you. I know you were expecting me to give you a whole fucking speech but I'm gonna get straight to the point: I like you better like this. When you're being real with me, when you've taken your mask off and it feels like you just let go of something heavy. I've even felt it back then, Daniel. When you were being cool, school superstar jerk Daniel, sometimes I could feel you bleeding through. Do you remember that time you gave me a tattoo? Or the time when you texted me about your snowman melting and you were crying about it? Times like those, I like you so much better."

 

"When I'm stupid and lame."

 

"Yes, undeniably dumb but not lame--  _real_. You've shown me your real self today and I'm not hating you. Maybe start from here. I'm not asking you to go out there the next day and make a PSA stating that you'll officially retire as the campus' legendary fuckboy. I'm asking you to start small and just... find out how comfortable it is to be in your own skin. I've been there before. I recall looking at confident people and feeling this  _burning_ jealousy at how they look like they were born to be themselves. I still find myself confused and lost from time to time, but there are people around me who remind me I'm worth loving."

 

Daniel squeezed his eyes tighter and shook his head. "It's not that easy."

 

"Never said it was. Just said it'd be worth it." Jihoon gave Daniel a (sort of) gentle slap on the cheek. "As I said, start with me. Real Daniel's a hit with me, and I'm a really choosy person so I think you have nothing to worry about."

 

"You don't think it's terrifying to live so...  _naked?"_ Jihoon couldn't help but let a giggle escape upon hearing Daniel's choice of words.

 

"I wouldn't want people to be fake with me, so I'm not going to turn around and be a hypocrite."

 

The older guy nodded once. "Can I ask you something?"

 

"Ask away," Jihoon agreed.

 

"Why do you believe in me? How do you just...  _forget?_ And forgive?"

 

"I haven't forgotten. Maybe this is my own way of coping, making myself feel better. I think we should all go back in the past not to change our decisions but instead relive moments twice. That book Hyungseob wrote in-- I have one, too. I started it because of you. But no matter how I look at it, I don't think that if I were really given the chance, I'd go back and change everything and not fall for you the way I did. My decisions in the past are what got me here. I think I would be very different now if I'd chosen to keep you out of my story then." He offered Daniel a warm smile.

 

Jihoon's mind was still reeling from the truth behind Hyungseob's death but he'll do one thing at a time. And for now, no matter how small, there was a sense of achievement that bloomed in him. Not many people were there for him after the breakup and that thing with Hyungseob, but he'd grown from that. The least he could do was be there for someone who needed it. Like Daniel.

 

Even if Daniel was someone who'd broken his heart before.

 

Jihoon had developed a constant fear of being thrown away and torn apart because of Daniel, but for some nagging, inscrutable reason that was so frequently coursing his whole body it had almost become instinct, he thought that Daniel was worth a thousand heartbreaks.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel had lived his whole life chasing after validation from everyone around him, he could never imagine settling down for just one person's "yes". So he couldn't understand how Jihoon's approval could be equivalent to the whole world's acceptance.

 

Maybe it was just proof that Jihoon had, at some point, become his entire universe.

 

 

 

 

 


	14. A love that feels just like it should

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back again! all these fast updates are to make up for my frequent disappearances. :>>>
> 
> enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

"Thanks for walking me back."

 

Daniel nodded, then leaned forward for a second. He gave Jihoon's cardigan a friendly tug and smiled as he took a step back, waving goodbye to the boy.

 

Jihoon couldn't understand why he'd expected a kiss.

 

He didn't know if he would have minded.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Sam was waiting for him with a laptop on his bed when he got back, as he'd expected. His best friend rolled his eyes and stopped typing, immediately slamming the device shut and stared at Jihoon like he had some explaining to do. Which he did.

 

"Can you at least let me get changed first?" Jihoon complained, "Honestly, you're going to be so disappointed you've been pestering me non-stop for this because the trip wasn't even  _that_ interesting."

 

"Not about Busan.  _Today_ ," Samuel said.

 

"Yeah, today was... weird."

 

"I'll say-- it's all over the school's forum.  _You_ meeting up with Kang Daniel, which was what I told you repeatedly not to do." Jihoon froze up, letting Sam's words sink in before he broke out into a mad frenzy to search for his phone. "Don't bother, I have it here," Sam said, groaning as he handed his phone over to Jihoon. The latter punched in the pin number and the post about him pulled up right away-- Samuel had been busy reading and he was already halfway through. He scrolled all the way to the top.

 

" _Who_ posted this?" Jihoon demanded, hand gripping the phone tightly.

 

His best friend looked away and sighed, "I don't know. All I know is that word has gotten out that you're his ex from Busan. Look, I know this is probably the last thing you'll want to hear now, but I read a whole chunk of it and the situation's not that bad. It's just that you'll be the center of attention on the campus for some time. The replies talk mostly about Daniel, not you, claiming that the fuckboy has finally decided to settle down and have a relationship. Some people even think you're cute-- too cute for him."

 

"But I--  _we're not together_." Jihoon gnawed on his bottom him and pushed the phone back to Samuel.

 

" _I_ know that. People don't. They're going to talk about this for a week tops, then they're going to find some other sad thing to gossip about because they don't have anything else to do with their lives. Jihoon, it's okay," Samuel said softly then climbed into Jihoon's bed to wrap his arm around the boy's shoulders. "If Daniel did something to you today, I swear--"

 

"He didn't do anything, Sam." Jihoon had managed to shock not only his best friend but also himself. He'd just come to Daniel's defense, cutting off Samuel in a stone-cold tone. The silence built up between both of them like like was a tangible, solid wall.

 

Samuel clenched his jaw but he bowed his head and conceded. "Fine. So why is this freaking you out?"

 

"Because everyone's going to know about this! And they're going to think that I like Daniel."

 

"So?" Sam asked with an annoying quirk of his brow. "I don't see the problem with that."

 

Jihoon pulled back from Samuel's embrace like it burned him. He fixed his best friend with an incredulous look. "Sam, you  _know_ why. I don't like him. We're friends now, and I don't want this to ruin everything I just fixed. And someone might see this and have the wrong idea about me and I don't want that. I'm not used to being the center of attention and I'm not going to start  _now_."

 

"You mean  _Guanlin_ might come across this," Samuel supplied in a matter-of-fact way. "Jihoon, there's no problem with people thinking you like Daniel because it's true. You like him. And for the record, you  _never_ stopped liking him."

 

"That's bullshit."

 

"Well, you know the reason why I haven't reported this forum to the admins for them to take down? Because I wanted to show you this." Samuel unlocked his phone again and clicked on something before throwing it to Jihoon, his face serious. "They uploaded pictures of you two, too, and it's completely wrong of them but I just wanted to see."

 

In the photo-- which Jihoon could barely see at first thanks to his trembling fingers-- they were sitting across each other, fingers locked in the middle of the table. Jihoon clearly remembered this moment but he didn't know what it'd look like from someone else's perspective. If people didn't know the context of their conversation, they'd easily misunderstand and misinterpret the whole thing. Before he launched into a whole rant about how  _ridiculous_ this whole situation was, he found that he was unable to take his eyes off the phone screen. They looked happy. Daniel was smiling,  _he_ was smiling and-- he didn't recall letting himself smile. It was just something that came naturally to him whenever Daniel was around.

 

"It doesn't prove anything," he insisted stubbornly, turning off the phone and placing it down next to him.

 

"God, Jihoon, how long are you going to make yourself sad because you're denying yourself of happiness? I don't necessarily approve of Daniel but he makes you  _so damn fucking_ happy and that's all that matters to me. You smile around me, you laugh at my jokes but I've never seen you as  _present_ as you are when Daniel's around."

 

"I don't like him! Guanlin's the one I--" Jihoon cut himself off before anyone could. He couldn't make himself say the word.

 

"Guanlin's the poor boy you've chosen as your stand-in for Daniel."

 

Jihoon shook his head.  _Could I possibly still be in love with him?_

 

He pulled his bag into his lap and felt around for the cool metal surface of his phone. He fished it out and unlocked it, heading straight to the school forum to report the post. When he was done, he looked at Samuel for help, pleading the boy silently with his eyes.

 

"Done," Samuel informed him. He hugged Jihoon and snuggled into the crook of his best friend's neck. "We don't have to talk about it if you're not ready but I think you should figure out what you want next and just... make a decision. Waiting isn't going to do you any good and it doesn't make me happy to see you so conflicted either but this is a decision I can't make for you."

 

"I know," Jihoon replied softly, returning the hug gratefully.

 

When Samuel had exited their room to use the bathroom, Jihoon unlocked his phone and went through his notifications. There weren't a lot considering he wasn't a social person in general, but he clicked on the screen the moment he saw Daniel's name.

 

**_Kang Daniel, received: 10:03 p.m._ **

Hey Jihoon, are you going to the library tmr night?

I wanna walk you home

Just to talk and do normal friend things

Haha

 

_**Kang Daniel, received: 10:09 p.m.** _

If you're okay with it

:)

Let me know, okay?

 

_**Kang Daniel, sent: 10:17 p.m.** _

Yeah, I'll be going there tomorrow night.

I'll be out by 9.30?

 

_**Kang Daniel, received: 10:18 p.m.** _

I'll be there definitely

See you :)))

 

_**Kang Daniel, sent: 10:18 p.m.** _

Yeah.

 

 _I'll sort my shit out by tomorrow night_ , Jihoon promised himself. He'd forgiven Daniel, he'd accepted him back into his world but being together with him again was maybe an experience he didn't need to relive in this lifetime.

 

He didn't need it but that didn't stop him from wanting it badly.

 

He fell asleep to dreams of Daniel kissing his temple goodnight.

 

 

 

When he woke up the next morning, he almost felt like he was back in his house at Busan. He'd reached out to the spot next to him on his bed but only to find it empty. 

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

 _I'm going to write today_. As Jihoon went through his mental checklist of all the things he had to do, he almost felt regretful for waking up. Maybe he should just sleep through all of it and make it an excuse to escape his chores.

 

But he didn't. That was how he ended up in class, next to Minki, wishing time would pass faster.

 

"What's wrong with you?" Minkin whispered-hissed at him.

 

"What?"

 

"You literally can't stop moving today. I thought this was your favorite class."

 

"I have to go somewhere tonight but I haven't finished the final assignment yet. Have you? I didn't even study last weekend." Jihoon bit his lip, leg shaking so hard the entire row of seats followed. The person sitting next to him looked him up and down before flashing Jihoon a dirty look. Jihoon mumbled a soft "sorry" under his breath before he turned is attention back to Minki, who was now staring at him with his mouth curled into a smirk.

 

Jihoon squeezed his eyes shut. He shouldn't have said it.

 

"Oh, I know who you're meeting  _tonight_ ," his friend said, putting extra emphasis on the last word with a suggestive raise of his eyebrows. "Kang Daniel, am I right?"

 

It was technically true but Jihoon shook his head to deny the claim anyway.

 

" _Everyone_ knows what's up with you guys. I can't believe you never told me he was your  _ex_. Like, really? Kang Daniel is a legend around here. He's also pretty choosy and he never fucks around with freshmen. So, tell me," he started to say, scooting uncomfortably close to Jihoon, "did you guys do it in high school? What's he like?"

 

Jihoon groaned and slapped a hand over his face. "No, we never did  _it_. And also, please, I'd rather not talk about him."

 

"You guys looked pretty close in that picture. Rekindling old fires?" Jihoon refused to answer the question but it seemed to have only motivated Minki even more. "Dongho's really close with Daniel... he tells me that your  _ex_ hasn't slept around in a long time. Coincidentally since you started school here."

 

Jihoon shrugged and fingered his stationery, arranging them neatly around his open but blank notebook. "Like you said, it's a coincidence. We're just friends."

 

"With benefits?"

 

"No, Minki,  _stop_. I'm really not in the mood to talk about him right now."

 

"Oooh, lovers' quarrel? The school would love to hear about this," Minki drew back with a teasing smile. "You're a celebrity on campus now, too."

 

"What do you mean the school would love to--  _is the forum still up?_ " Jihoon gripped his friend's wrist and jerked the boy closer.

 

"The original one was taken down but someone started a new one right away," Minki explained. Then he inspected Jihoon's expression and appeared confused for a moment. "Why are you so mad? It's not like this is a bad thing. You're famous now, for god's sake. At least having Daniel chasing you around is making you  _wanted_. Almost all the boys have their eyes set on you right now-- Daniel's helping you build an image of being desirable.  _This_ is way more interesting than the life you had before you guys blew up."

 

"But I don't want this!"

 

Their professor stopped talking and almost everyone in the lecture hall turned in their seats to face him. Some were apprehensive, others were amused. A few even watched him like they were sharks and he was the food, peering at him with vengeance in their eyes (definitely the trail of broken-hearted people Daniel left in his wake). Somehow Jihoon had just become half the campus' enemy overnight.

 

He gathered up his things and shoved them into his bag, hurrying down the aisle and thanking his professor before racing out the hall.

 

He couldn't shake off the feeling of being watched as he made his way back to his dorm. With his eyes on the floor, he somehow managed to reach his nest alive. He only had one gameplan now: go back to his room, change, go to the library, write and have a talk with Daniel about his feelings. It seemed like  _talking_ was all they ever did now. Jihoon liked that they were opening up to each other but he'd much rather if they could do something else...

 

"Jihoon," called a familiar voice.

 

He stopped in his tracks as he looked up to meet the boy's eyes almost guiltily. "Hey, Guanlin."

 

"It's been a while since we talked." The taller boy licked his lips. He was looking disheveled today, which was previously a word Jihoon thought he'd never use on Guanlin. He was still dressed impeccably but he looked impossibly tired, this time leaning against the wall like he needed the extra support, the action not as natural as it had been the last few times.

 

"Are you okay?" Jihoon asked, the key dangling from his fingers.

 

"Can we not talk outside here?" The words came out harsh and Guanlin's shoulders hunched forward as he said them, almost like he was embarrassed to ask.

 

Jihoon's instincts screamed at him to say no.

 

For once, he followed.

 

"I think we should just talk out here-- my roommate asked me not to... have a repeat of last time." He pressed his books closer to his chest, almost like they were a barrier he'd put up between the both of them. "Sorry," he added after some thought.

 

Guanlin's eyes narrowed as his eyebrows creased, face twisting into an expression of anger. Jihoon took a step back right away. There was an emergency button at the end of the hall, maybe he could reach it if he made a run for it now. He didn't care what Guanlin had to say-- this was making him uncomfortable and he wasn't going to stand around and wait for things to happen first. Before he could move, Guanlin looked down and sighed.

 

"Your roommate? Are you sure it isn't your boyfriend telling you that?" Jihoon kept his lips pursed shut-- things could go  _very, very_ wrong if he uttered a single wrong thing now. Guanlin blinked a few times, then appeared to catch himself before taking a few steps back and hiding his face behind his hands. "I'm sorry, Jihoon... I'm just tired. Look, I just need to talk to you. It won't take long." He looked longingly at Jihoon's door, which only made the boy clutch his keys tighter. He slipped them into his pocket quickly, where he felt like they would be safe there.

 

"So talk."

 

Guanlin swallowed.

 

"Can I ask you where I went wrong?"

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"You liked me, I knew it. You knew it too."  _Jesus fucking Christ, how inflated can this guy's ego be?_

 

"If that's what you came here to talk about, I don't think I'm up for conversation. Bye, Guanlin, I'd appreciate it if you could get out of my sight now," Jihoon said coldly, turning away the guy. But Guanlin didn't budge.  _Why does everyone tell me they're more sure of_ my _emotions than I am?_

 

"Really, Jihoon, tell me: what does Daniel have that I don't?"

 

"is that what this is about?" Jihoon gaped at Guanlin. "So you were just using me this whole thing to exact your petty revenge on Daniel?"

 

Guanlin inhaled deeply and looked around frantically, confused and hassled. "I didn't mean to come off that way. Sure, that was how I started noticing you at first but things...  _changed_."

 

"I don't need to hear the rest of the story," Jihoon assured him as sweetly as he could before Guanlin could continue his shit story. He felt all used up again. Great.

 

"No, you do," the taller boy insisted, stepping forward to block Jihoon's way to his room. "Please," he begged, looking pained, "you have to listen to me."

 

"I don't have to do anything."

 

"Jihoon I-- I was frustrated with Daniel at first, I admit that. And yes, I was planning to use you as a tool to get back at him. But I genuinely fell for you in the middle of the whole mess and I'm just fucking tired of people choosing that asshole over me. I  _like_ you, Jihoon. I've seen people getting hurt over his mindless actions and you've been there yourself before."

 

Jihoon waited for something in him to move, but nothing did. Not even a drop of his heart or a single drop of pity for this boy.  "And you know what, Guanlin? I'm tired of people using me as a pawn in their own games. Now please,  _leave."_

 

"I'm sorry," Guanlin apologized, "that was my fault entirely. But I know you felt something for me." Jihoon fixed the boy an emotionless stare, watching as Guanlin deflated. "No? not even once?"

 

"I apologize too, Guanlin. What I felt wasn't for you-- it was for Daniel. I'd write a whole apology speech for you but you fucked me up in your own way too so let's just say we're even and leave each other alone." They weren't even-- what Jihoon did wasn't on purpose but Guanlin knew what he'd been doing this whole time. It made him sick in the gut to think that he almost fell for it. But he didn't want to drag this out longer than it needed to be-- best case scenario was for Guanlin to get the fuck out so that they didn't have to meet in this lifetime ever again.

 

Guanlin moved forward, arm stretching out to hold Jihoon, maybe pull him closer. The other boy had seen it coming and stepped out of the way easily. Guanlin didn't give up-- he pressed his dark brown eyes into him and said, "Give me another chance. Let me explain myself."

 

"I think I know your problem, Guanlin. Stop trying to compare yourself to Daniel and maybe you'd finally be content with yourself." The first time he'd met Guanlin, he'd compared the boy to a painting and now he knew why. Guanlin was constantly trying to change himself, conceal himself within layers and layers of heavy paint to make himself another person entirely. It must be lonely. But what he was doing to Jihoon right now was just plain wrong. "And for fuck's sake, please stop saying you like me because if you really did, you'd have left me alone the first time I asked."

 

"Jihoon--"

 

There was a soft click that sounded abruptly behind Jihoon and the boy whipped around following Guanlin's gaze. A boy-- a dorm-mate he'd never spoken to before-- looked out to observe the pair.

 

"Is he bothering you?" he asked Jihoon. The latter nodded. His dorm-mate leveled his gaze at Guanlin and said, "Look, you need to get out." Before Guanlin could interject with his protest, the boy continued, "You need to get out  _now_ or I'll inform the authorities and you can  _explain yourself_ at the office. You're harassing Jihoon."

 

For a beat, Jihoon almost expected Guanlin to put up a fight. Instead, he let his head hang low between his shoulders and walked out of sight without another word.

 

"Thank you."

 

"No sweat. He's an asshole and I don't feel sorry for it. I would've done worse but I don't think you'd have appreciated that. Is he your ex?"

 

Jihoon shook his head slowly. He suddenly didn't want to talk anymore. He let his keys dangle and the boy soon caught on, smiling and waving goodbye at Jihoon before ducking back into his room. He was exhausted both mentally and physically. He didn't know why he'd let Guanlin into his life enough to make him  _care_  in the first place. Wasn't one heartbreak enough for a lifelong lesson?

 

He didn't like  _like_  Guanlin but he'd still enjoyed hanging out with him.

 

He was tired. He never seemed to be able to do anything right. Every time he tried giving in to his own wants to treat himself, he ended up discovering one more way to give away a little piece of his heart. All that was left in his chest now was a few sad pieces of what used to be the beating signal that reminded him he was alive.

 

 _No, I’m not going to let myself cry today,_ he told himself. But his lip trembled anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

He’d fallen asleep without knowing and was jolted awake by the ringing of his phone. Mind still muddled with sleep, he groped around the bed for his phone while the only thought that registered was how dark it’d gotten in the room.

 

The caller ID told him that Samuel was the one calling. Which also meant he didn’t have a choice but to answer.

 

“ _Hey, what have you been doing? This is the third time I’ve tried reaching you.”_

Jihoon let a sigh escape his lips as he stared at the ceiling idly. “I slept.”

 

_“Really, Jihoon? It’s like almost ten right now… don’t blame anyone if you can’t sleep tonight.”_

_Fuck, it’s_ that _late?_

 

“I guess I needed to pull an all-nighter anyway,” he breathed, feeling all his energy drain out just thinking about it. “I haven’t even started on my final assignments yet. _Assignments_. Multiple. I’m going to fucking drown and die in my own tears before this weekend rolls around.”

 

“ _Yeah, hey_ ,” Samuel started to say, his voice distant like he was barely listening _, “I have to go now. I was just calling to tell you that I won’t be around tonight. I mean, I_ will _be back but it’ll probably be super late and I just wanted to give you a heads up.”_

“Code for you’re getting laid, I get it.”

 

“ _I am not_ ,” Samuel seethed. “ _I have to go now. If anything comes up text me.”_

Jihoon hummed his agreement and the call ended abruptly like Samuel couldn’t wait to get off the phone. His head lolled to the side and his pillow felt… _wet_. And cold. Like he’d been crying in his sleep. He laid down his phone next to him and slipped his hand under his head to keep warm.

 

At the beginning of the semester, he and Samuel were connected at the hip—basically inseparable. But over time, calls got shorter and conversations at night were scarce. It was weird to think about how they’d just grown apart suddenly. It wasn’t as though their friendship had ended on a bad note (it hadn’t even ended) but it just planted a bitter taste at the back of Jihoon’s tongue when he thought about it.

 

“Almost ten, huh,” he said to the empty room. Just as he was about to turn over and attempt to fall back to sleep again, something clicked at the back of his mind. _Almost ten_.

 

“ _Fuckfuckfuck_ ,” he chanted, grabbing his phone and checking his messages. As he’d dreaded, Daniel had left a bunch of messages and a few voicemails expressing his concern.

 

**_Kang Daniel, received: 9:01 p.m._ **

Hey, I just arrived

Don’t rush though

Finish your work first before coming out

I can wait

**_Kang Daniel, received: 9:19 p.m._ **

Tell me if you need to stay for a bit longer okay?

Am I allowed to go inside to look for you

I wont pester you I swear

I’m going in

**_Kang Daniel, received: 9:25 p.m._ **

This place is huge how am I supposed to find you

Jihoon?

Are you mad at me?

**_Kang Daniel, received: 9:31 p.m._ **

Right, I forgot you’re not the type to check your phone in libraries

I’m an idiot ignore these messages

I’m going back outside to wait for you

You probably aren’t even going to see these

I’m still gonna text you

Heheh

**_Kang Daniel, received: 9:36 p.m._ **

I don’t want to rush you but

Are you okay?

Let me know if you need help

Jihoon, are you alright?

**_Kang Daniel, received: 9:38 p.m._ **

I’m worried

Text me

Please

Jihoon quickly typed in a message and clicked send. He shot up from his bed and broke out into a run.

**_Kang Daniel, sent: 9:55 p.m._ **

Something happened. I am so sorry.

I’m going to run there right now.

If you’re still there, stay there.

If you’re not, I’m sorry.

**\-----**

 

 

 

 

 

Not for the first time since he arrived, Daniel wondered if he should show up at Jihoon's dorm like a madman and ask around for the boy. He wasn't responding to texts, he hadn't picked up any of his calls, and he wasn't at the library (not as far as he could tell anyway) and Daniel was starting to get jittery. As soon as his phone started buzzing, he whipped it out and immediately let out a sigh of relief when he saw that it was Jihoon texting.

 

He opened the messages.  _Punctuation is perfect_.  _Definitely him_.

 

His eyes zeroed in on the third message, his heart skipping a beat as he wished Jihoon could see him right now.

 

_If you're still there, stay there._

 

Daniel wanted to fucking  _dance_. He bounced on the balls of his feet as he held the phone tightly to his chest, pretending it was Jihoon he was hugging. The cold feel of the phone in his hands was nothing compared to what he could recall about hugging Jihoon, but since this was as close as he could ever get to the real thing, he allowed himself a few moments to relish in the pretense anyway.

 

"Kang  _Daniel_ ," he heard the familiar shrill tone of Jihoon's angry voice behind him. "You're a fucking idiot."

 

The first punch to his back was cute-- it even felt like a  _tickle_ \-- but the second was suddenly a lot harder and Daniel turned around, wincing at the pain as he fixed Jihoon with his puppy eyes. "That hurt," he complained.

 

"You should've just left! Why did you even wait for me?" Jihoon cried out. "Now you made me feel so  _fucking bad_. As if I wasn't already having a bad day."

 

"Grumpy Jihoon has made a comeback with his death-stare. You were gone for so long I wondered if you were still alive--"

 

Jihoon was a sloppy fighter (he didn't even know how to make proper fists) and Daniel spied the movement before the younger boy could land a few more of his punches. He caught Jihoon's wrists just in time before they hit home.

 

"You're going to break your own wrists if you continue like that," he joked. Jihoon didn't find it funny. He held his ground and stared at Daniel and  _ohmygod_ he was the spitting image of a not-so-pink version of an angry Jigglypuff. He refused to let go of Jihoon's hands-- he liked having them in his. He didn't even want to  _think_ about letting go. For now. He racked his brains for ideas of how to prolong this moment.

 

But apparently, he didn't have to.

 

The unthinkable happened:

 

Jihoon wavered on his feet for a few seconds like he was uncertain, then without a warning, he fell forward into Daniel. The older boy was caught off guard. He'd spent so much time bracing himself for all the things that could go wrong, he didn't think about what would happen if things went  _right_. The boy felt awkward just leaning into him at first but then Daniel released his grip on Jihoon's wrists so they were free to cage Jihoon in a tight lock. He didn't care if this was a mistake on Jihoon's part or if Jihoon was, too, pretending Daniel was someone else-- he was going to enjoy this for as long as he could and no one could tell him otherwise. He pressed his cheek against Jihoon's hair and exhaled, content.

 

His heart was swelling so fast he worried it might burst.

 

Jihoon was just hanging onto him with his hands fisting the fabric of Daniel's jacket.  _Speaking of which_... he noted how Jihoon was considerably dwarfed in size wearing the leather jacket Daniel asked him to keep just yesterday.

 

 _This feels so good_. He squeezed his eyes shut and lowered his head so that it fit right into the curve of Jihoon's neck. He breathed out.  _This feels better than it should_.

 

It felt like returning home at long last.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon wasn't sure why hugging would leave him this breathless. He wasn't sure why Daniel's breaths hitting his neck felt like a trail of hot fire lingering over his skin. He didn't know why he wanted to drink this in and lead himself deeper into a drug so good. He wasn't sure of anything but he knew that this was a fact:

 

Hugging Daniel was like the aftermath of a feeling so great it was ineffable-- because all he wanted to do, no matter how close Daniel pulled him or how Jihoon grabbed onto Daniel and refused to let go, he felt like he could only want more.

 

Being with Daniel-- like this-- had just re-opened this yawning, gaping black hole in him that wanted to take  _more, more, more_.

 

And Daniel just let him.

 

Maybe this was why he felt liek all the air had been knocked out his lungs: because being with Daniel had just become a need that was far stronger and pulled all thoughts of breathing out his mind. He didn't care about anything else he had to do.

 

He couldn't believe that this was what he'd been missing out on for the past three years.

 

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

 

"Hey," Daniel laughed softly, threading his fingers through Jihoon's hair, "are you crying?"

 

"I don't know," mumbled Jihoon, "am I?"

 

Daniel let his finger trail down the side of Jihoon's face to lift his chin up so that they could look at each other. "Yeah, you definitely are tearing up a little." He laughed, but he didn't blame Jihoon for it-- he understood the younger boy's sentiments perfectly. "People are watching."

 

"People can go fuck themselves."

 

"Can we go sit down somewhere to talk?"

 

Jihoon sounded his disapproval at the notion of detaching themselves from each other but Daniel only tucked a loose piece of Jihoon's hair behind his ear, smiling widely, more so than Jihoon had ever seen before. "We'll find some place to sit and talk and hug some more if that's what you want." Reluctantly, Jihoon agreed. Daniel beamed and pointed at an empty bench not far away. A lamppost shone its light over it. It wasn't as private as Jihoon would have preferred but all the other benches were either already occupied or sat too far away.

 

"I'll go... get some drinks. Soda?" he asked the younger boy, who graciously accepted the offer. He was trying to act breezy and nonchalant about what just happened but Jihoon could  _definitely_ tell that he was blushing.

 

He quickly trudged away in the direction of the vending machine, pulling out a few crisp bills from his pocket. He inserted them into the machine and clicked on the button for coke twice. Walking back to where Jihoon waited for him with his back bowed and feet toeing a line on the dirt floor, he almost questioned the  _realness_ of the situation.

 

He handed one of the cans over to Jihoon after opening it beforehand.  _Hah. Chivalry still exists._

 

Taking a sip from his own soda, he sat next to the younger boy, not even trying to be subtle about wanting to press himself up against the boy's side.

 

"Do we talk now?"

 

"I don't know where to start," Jihoon choked out, his voice thick.

 

"Start with why you weren't at the library tonight. Did something happen?"

 

The younger boy gulped down his drink and crushed the can. His lips were shiny and  _god_ \-- Daniel just needed to know if they were on kissing terms. Jihoon was okay with hugging but kisses were... quite the jump. _Would Jihoon be okay with that?_

 

"Something happened." Jihoon's voice was empty. He laughed and shook his head. "Remember that guy I said I liked? I mean, I didn't phrase it like that-- I just said I was interested."

 

Daniel's chest constricted but he uttered a small, "yes".

 

"He just. You know him."

 

"Guanlin?" He pressed his fingerpads against the can of his drink just to keep his hands busy. He was trying to pretend this didn't hurt. But it did.

 

Jihoon sniffed, "Yeah, him. After our meeting at the cafe the other day people took photos and put up a post about us. Guanlin must've seen that or something because when he confronted me this afternoon and just  _implied_ that he started showing interest in me because of you." Daniel remembered what happened between the both of them vividly. His fists were clenched but the anger he felt brewing in him was more for himself than Guanlin. He'd just hurt Jihoon  _again._ "He said he actually  _liked_ me eventually but I just feel so fucking  _used_. I turned him away but he kept on insisting that I liked him back, that he felt it. He tried forcing me into giving him another chance and I can't help but feel shitty because I  _know_ I fucking led him on too."

 

The older guy could feel Jihoon's body shaking next to him so he leaned in closer to pry Jihoon's fingers that were still wrapped around the can. Instead, he slipped his own fingers between the boy's, squeezing Jihoon's hand in hopes that it would help.

 

He hadn't even realized how  _tangled_ they were. Until he noticed that he could hear the barely audible sounds of Jihoon breathing, feel the rise and fall of his chest when he did so. If he looked up now, he might ruin everything. So he kept his eyes cast downwards as he listened.

 

"You told me that you liked him too, right? I don't think that's leading him on, Jihoon."

 

"You don't understand," Jihoon bit out, almost sounding like he was angry. "What I was feeling wasn't even for him."

 

There were a few seconds of silence where all Daniel could hear was the rapid beating of his own heart and the stuttering of Jihoon's breath like he was hesitating.

 

"I think that this whole time... I've liked you instead."

 

Daniel wasn't sure if this was dream or reality with all things considered. Jihoon let go of their hands to shove Daniel away, only to grab the hem of his shirt to pull the older boy forward again. Jihoon's chest was pressed against his and with his eyes shut tightly, he gently nudged his nose against Daniel's, shaky breath released and his fingers tightening their clutch on Daniel's shirt.

 

Then the explosion happened. The fucking  _Big Bang Theory_ was nothing compared to this--

 

Mouths falling together, slotting perfectly against each other, warm and open and soft. In some way, Daniel found comfort in the fact that Jihoon wasn't a better kisser than he had been three years ago. There wasn't a word he could use to describe a feeling like this. 

 

He completely melted into the kiss.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YIKEEEEEEEEEES IT FINALLY HAPPENED
> 
> YALL WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT A NO NIELWINK ENDING HAHAHAHAH
> 
> Tell me what yall think about this development. is it too fast? too idk?? the next update may take a longer time because i hate writing smut but it was promised so :>
> 
> comment comment comment and leave your love for me!!
> 
> in the meantime i'll also be writing for my other multi-chapter story here with gumiho/prostitute jihoon and hunter daniel. yes it is also enemies to lovers and a ton of angst because i love hurting myself
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/16557068/chapters/38792681
> 
> talk to me on twt! @nwspoiltmilk

**Author's Note:**

> hi peeps?? I hope y'all liked it  
> see you guys next chapter asgkald


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